Flame Rising
Number of new forums created dedicated to whining about Flame Rising since you opened this page:
| File:CounterZero.gifFile:CounterZero.gifFile:CounterZero.gifFile:Counter5.gifFile:Counter4.gifFile:Counter3.gifFile:Counter2.gif |
The Man, the Myth, the Legend
Emperor Flame Rising (also known as F/R, F/R-oppa, Leading Sire in Japan, Mein Führer, Comrade General Secretary, Повелитель, and El Jefe) is a famous and much beloved member of the scholarly Fanfiction.net community (his account was created on February 19th, 2007), and commander-in-chief of the Fireplacian Empire.
His origins are unknown. Some say he was created from the flames of Mount Doom, while others say the Eighth Level of Hell, and some guess he emerged from the Krakatoa eruption. Still others hypothesize that he crash-landed to Earth in the Tunguska event. However, since so little has been revealed about him, his true origins may never be known.
He is most known for harshly criticizing stories on the site in an attempt to clear out stories based around a self-insert Mary-Sue, horrible sex scenes, and have terrible spelling and/or grammar. Carrying the burden of such an important responsibility is not easy, yet Flame Rising fearlessly presses on to make the fanfiction community a better place. It is a common misconception that he does it to help aspiring authors improve, though he has stated multiple times that he does it for sheer amusement. Despite the fact that his cause is a noble and valiant one, Flame Rising has made a number of enemies, such as cult members, n00bs, and Malaysians, all of whom create numerous forums and puppet accounts in an attempt to prove F/R has no life and ban him from the Internet.
Why Flame Rising Harshly Criticizes
1. You can't fucking spell and/or you know less grammar than a six year old.
2. You try to blind your readers by bolding or italicizing EVERY FUCKING WORD.
3. You are too fucking retarded to use the enter key.
4. Your story isn't fan fiction (usually instead about some fucked up wetdream involving a boy band then posted in the "Musicals" category or poet wannabes who've never heard of FICTIONPRESS).
5. You whore for reviews.
6. You enjoy letting your fucked-up OCs/Inserts rape canon on a regular basis.
7. You have A/Ns longer than the story, and they include conversations with your other fucked up personalities that no one gives two shits about.
8. Your A/Ns include some fucktastic seizure you had over someone trying to leave you criticism.
9. Your penname lOoKsLiKeThIsXxxXxxXxX and/or includes "Mrs" Canon Character name.
10. Someone associated with you caught him on a bad, bad day (This reason has been retired for some time now. If you've been harshly criticized, it's due to one or more of reasons one through nine).
True Identity and Battles for the Fireplace
Flame Rising's true identity is unknown to all but his most trusted officers. He rarely, if ever, makes an appearance outside of The Fireplace, though alleged sightings are frequently claimed by trolls attempting to frame him. Although hunters routinely appear at The Fireplace to call him out, they are quickly shot by members of his guard before they catch a glimpse of him. After repeated attempts to break into his domain, security measures were taken to ensure The Fireplace's safety. A defensive trench was dug to encircle The Fireplace, and iron gates were constructed to prevent access to trolls. In some instances, cult members will launch an enormous assault against The Fireplace, which quickly turns into a one-sided slaughter as the numerous defenders tear them apart.
Other attempts are sometimes tried, with deliberate plans laid out to infiltrate The Fireplace from within and destroy it. They fail without variable and the saboteurs are expelled (they usually return again under a new identity, but are quickly caught).
Forums
Flame Rising owns two forums. The Fireplace, the largest forum in the "General Forums" category and headquarters of F/R and his empire, is the most prominent. It hosts the WoW threads, Douchebag of the Week, contests, and chat threads. Here, enemies of Flame Rising and counter-revolutionaries spam the threads with extensive essays as to why F/R should be banned from the internet, unwittingly raising his post count tremendously.
The Furnace (considered a colony of the Fireplacian Empire), which was created to help those n00bish with their writing skills by having members of The Fireplace give out their opinions and advice, also exists and serves as a gulag for shitty authors. The Furnace isn't nearly as expansive and is under constant surveillance for rebellious activity, and production levels have taken a downturn in recent years. Though there were talks of formally annexing it as part of the Empire, Flame Rising was discouraged from doing so.
Following a military expansion program, The Fireplace has elevated its status as a political power in the fanfiction world, becoming a veritable juggernaut and crushing smaller forums in its path to the top. The Fireplacian Empire has engaged in several separate wars with rival forums attempting to leech off Flame Rising's success, which ended with one forum of cult members changing their name out of sheer embarassment and the Empire acquiring The Longest Forum Ever as a protectorate.
Worst of Worst
Worst of Worst (Abbreviated as "WoW") consists of the several threads in his forum that aim to have Flame Rising and all of the other welcomed members to give samples of shitty stories for everyone to spork and laugh at. Over the months, Flame Rising has had to warn his members not to post links of stories or profiles, as many members have clicked on any given link in order to flame them, to which Flame Rising has reminded them that WoW's main purpose was "to showcase the worst shit out there so we can laugh at it". Stories or profiles are quoted followed by the poster's reponse, most commonly a retort of some sort or a note to themself or the reader (the latter being before or after the sample) to douse their eyes with bleach.
A typical sporking at The Fireplace:
Douchebag of the Week
Douchebag of the Week is an occasion brought up by Flame Rising himself and is celebrated by the numerous members in his forum. The goal of "DoucheBag of the Week" is to pick out a douchebag and exploit said douchebag for everyone to laugh at. Douchebags are usually nominated by how trollish, pesty, and overall pathetic the douchebag is. The reasons vary from deplorable stories to their forum interrogations in pursuit of causing trouble.
Reactions to nomination for Douchebag of the Week vary from accepting to outraged. Since Flame Rising puts up a link to the douche's profile from his own page, the douche may change their name several times in a single day to elude recognition (not knowing that pennames make no difference once a link is posted). In some instances, said nominee will claim their account was hacked for malevolent purposes without their knowledge, and that the hacker sent threatening messages to members of The Fireplace. The nominee may then conduct a poll to see if people are convinced of their innocence.
Flame Rising's Army
It is well known that Flame Rising is in reality a fascist dictator, who rules over his forums with an iron fist. He controls an elite personal army, which he uses to turn The Fireplace into a police state. This army, or the FRmy™ (also known as the People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs), is made up of several key members such as Admiral Asshole, Sergeant Suck-up, Major Flaming Kitty, the Sporker Princess, the dual Mistresses of Fuzzy Cuffs, Commander Furby, Private Asshole #1, Private Asshole #2, Private Kiss Ass, KosMacDaddy Kinsei, Quartermaster Dart, two WACS, a Canadian Mountie, a master ninja guy, and one janitor.
Along with defending The Fireplace from attack, the FRmy™ serves as Emperor Flame Rising's premier security agency, secret police, and intelligence agency, gathering information from all across Fanfiction.net to scan for foreign unrest and ensuring the Fireplacian Empire's stability through political repression.
The FRmy™ mobilizes at Flame Rising's command and meets at "the secret place" (which is rumored to reside somewhere in Mordor) to discuss important issues, such as the most efficient way to make a ten-year-old cry, the eradication of colons, and selecting the next Douchebag of the Week.
Counter-Revolutionaries and Enemies
Due to Flame Rising's ideals on criticizing stories, many members have come to complain about Flame Rising in his own forum (as he has stated that he doesn't give two flying donkey shits about what they reply to him in personal messages). On at least one occassion, a disgruntled Fanfiction member went so far as to "sicc [sic] the FBI on his ass", though he was able to escape to the secret place before being located and arrested. Along with a general difference in ideals, there are also the jealous wannabes that envy The Fireplace's prestigious position.
Numerous forums have been started all across the Internet to complain about F/R's tactics, such as the "Flame Rising Victom [sic] Support Group", n00bs on TV.com, whiny crybabies on deviantART, and cult members referring to themselves as the "New Order" (the "Old Order" being decimated in the Second Fireplacian War).
Some of them seek to hack and eradicate The Fireplace, while others attempt to usurp its #1 spot. Counter-revolutionaries like these are often regarded with derision by members of The Fireplace. As dubbed by Sergeant Suck-up, they hold the likes of people such as "The Wizard of Mystical Magical Hoodoo Bullshit" and "The Satanic Wannabe Racial Slur Slinger," an obvious reference to the fanatical cults on Fanfiction.net.
Countless trolls (countless meaning a handful with several puppet accounts) have come to inspect his forum and, of course, try to bash the living daylights out of him. Those offended with his reviews have complained about him in their profiles, on their own forums, and, occasionally, on websites separate from Fanfiction.net. Despite the amount of reports and members bitching about him instead of sucking it up, Flame Rising, his account and forums, still stand to this day.
Allegations of Libel, Cyber-Bullying, and Non-Existence
Flame Rising has (libelously) been accused of the serious crimes of cyber-bullying and libel on several occasions. Top-ranking officers within the FRmy™ are also deemed guilty by association. The last person to accuse F/R of libel was declared Douchebag of the Week and forbidden entrance to the Fireplacian Empire. However, those accusing him of cyber-bullying are far more numerous and harder for the FRmy™ to silence. Forming weak nation-states that are scattered and powerless across the Internet, they are occasionally (see: rarely) smart enough to unite together and try to actually do something about him. The largest hub of counter-revolutionaries is The Largest Forum Ever, unaware that the forum is nothing but a puppet kingdom of the Fireplacian Empire and their every move is under constant surveillance by the FRmy™. There, counter-revolutionaries assert that harshly criticizing stories is akin to rape, murder, kidnapping, theft, battery, aggravated assault, fraud, embezzlement, racketeering, arson, obstruction of justice, and the Holocaust.
Some people respond to Flame Rising in different ways, however. In his book, The Flame Rising Delusion, biologist Richard Dawkins scientifically proved that Flame Rising doesn't actually exist. Despite all signs that an intelligent person is typing articulate and relevant fanfiction reviews and sending them to the appropriate stories, Dawkins proved it is entirely plausible that a set of books fell on top of an old keyboard and mouse, typing up and sending said flames. Thus, what appears to be an act of intelligence is in reality just an illusion. He went on to say that believing in Flame Rising was not only wrong and childish, it was also dangerous and harmful to your mental health. When asked how Flame Rising's account could have been created, and how Flame Rising is able to continuously send flames and post on The Fireplace, Dawkins snapped that anyone who didn't agree with him was an idiot.
Flame Rising: The Movie
There has recently been talks of turning Flame Rising's life story into a movie. Several major Hollywood figures have already expressed interest in participating in the production, and many actors have volunteered to fill roles of FRmy™ officers. Upon hearing the idea of turning F/R's life story into a movie, Roger Ebert immediately gave it a thumbs up, saying that something so awesome had no mathematical chance of failure. In the face of the obvious problem that no actor alive could possibly fill the role of Flame Rising, talks have recently turned into making the movie an anime. If this turns out to be the final plan, then Christopher Lee would most likely do the voice acting for Flame Rising.
It is currently estimated that the movie's production budget would be somewhere around three trillion dollars, since the tale would encompass the creation of the Fireplacian Empire and the first four wars it engaged in on its path to glory. Due to the scope of F/R's amazing life story, it is obvious that the movie will spawn several sequels.
There have also been discussions to turn the movie into a video game series. Upon hearing this, Microsoft immediately bought all rights to the idea in order to make the game an Xbox exclusive. In retaliation, Sony bought the entire Microsoft Corporation from Bill Gates, gave false documents to Nintendo, then kept the original papers and sold Microsoft to Donald Trump at twice the price it had been acquired.