IllogiNews:Horoscopes for July, 2011

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

  • Aries - Thou shalt not watcheth Jerry Springer. Wear a monsoonal.
  • Taurus - Obamacare has exploded in Obama's face due to the lack of socialized tonsils being a preexisting condition.
  • Gemini - You will incorrectly drink your coffee with a stirring straw. Jump off a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Cancer - My butt itches!
  • Leo - Avoid Virgos and Libras with buck teeth. They are part of a global communist conspiracy.
  • Virgo - Your significant other will hit you in the back of the head with a frying pan. Watch out for flying nematodes.
  • Libra - Conservapedia does not accept Libras. Add an "l" and guess why.
  • Scorpio - These little freaks will kill you. Add a certain letter to it and see why.
  • Sagittarius - You have too much baggage and therefore will be lonely for the rest of your pathetic life.
  • Capricorn - DFGIGRIOET409T4GDRKGDSIKGSEFDS;FDSFF;KFOGRPOGERPOGRPOWOPEWTOFSEPOFAEWPOWIETONR09T45ET4RT4RMOT4ROMGTRPOGTRPOM.
  • Aquarius - You are an essential part of Long John Silvers. Get e.Coli.
  • Pisces - Your driver's license was torn to pieces because of the Budweiser company. Sue them and get a fire breathing dragon who will scorch you.
  • Ophiuchus- This is not real, I'm sure of it! Please stop appearing on this page! There is no such thing as an "Opicjwwhoweverinthehellyouspellit"!