IllogiNews:Horoscopes for July, 2011
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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.
- Aries - Thou shalt not watcheth Jerry Springer. Wear a monsoonal.
- Taurus - Obamacare has exploded in Obama's face due to the lack of socialized tonsils being a preexisting condition.
- Gemini - You will incorrectly drink your coffee with a stirring straw. Jump off a peanut butter sandwich.
- Cancer - My butt itches!
- Leo - Avoid Virgos and Libras with buck teeth. They are part of a global communist conspiracy.
- Virgo - Your significant other will hit you in the back of the head with a frying pan. Watch out for flying nematodes.
- Libra - Conservapedia does not accept Libras. Add an "l" and guess why.
- Scorpio - These little freaks will kill you. Add a certain letter to it and see why.
- Sagittarius - You have too much baggage and therefore will be lonely for the rest of your pathetic life.
- Capricorn - DFGIGRIOET409T4GDRKGDSIKGSEFDS;FDSFF;KFOGRPOGERPOGRPOWOPEWTOFSEPOFAEWPOWIETONR09T45ET4RT4RMOT4ROMGTRPOGTRPOM.
- Aquarius - You are an essential part of Long John Silvers. Get e.Coli.
- Pisces - Your driver's license was torn to pieces because of the Budweiser company. Sue them and get a fire breathing dragon who will scorch you.
- Ophiuchus- This is not real, I'm sure of it! Please stop appearing on this page! There is no such thing as an "Opicjwwhoweverinthehellyouspellit"!