IllogiNews:Horoscopes for June, 2011

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

• Aries - You will eat a banana found back in 1972. Bring a donut hat.
• Taurus - You will get married tomorrow in the back of your uncle's toy pickup truck. Lay off the cheeZe.
• Gemini - No, that little toothpick is not fit for human consumption. Die on a bridge.
• Cancer - George Dubya Bush says: EYE RACK!
• Leo - Who stole my pants?
• Virgo - You will forever remain a Virgo. Watch as that kid in the back laughs at you for it.
• Libra - Liberalssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
• Scorpio - No, I don't wanna eat your peanut butter. Shove it up your pa's arse.
• Sagittarius - Eh? I can't spell that! Eat a new shoe.
• Capricorn - Ducks are going to be after your gizzards. Call Nanny 911.
• Aquarius - You are an aquarium. Red Lobsters will attack you.
• Pisces - You will be torn to pieces. Shove it up your nose.
• Ophiuchus- I still don't believe it's real. Go back to China!