George Dubya Bush
File:1030-02.jpg Indeed it is.
“There is madmen in the world, and there are terror”
“I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend.”
“One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis.”
“In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession.”
“The best way to ensure that there is a sustainable cease-fire is to work with Egypt to stop the smuggling of arms into the Gaza”
“So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression.”
“I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system”
“This thaw—took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw”
“I didn't grow up in the ocean—as a matter of fact—near the ocean—I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing”
“The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer—prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them.”
“I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.”
“This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.”
“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.”
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
“They misunderestimated me.”
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
“I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods”
“If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator.”
“See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiserate --"not commiserate --"the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief.”
“The great thing about America is everybody should vote.”
“The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law.”
“If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!”
“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program.”
“It's your money. You paid for it.”
“You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President.”
“The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off.”
“DER!”
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| Deputy: | Badshot Cheney | |
| Nationality: | Dubyese | |
| Term of office: | 2001 – When Republicans stop giving him press time | |
| Preceded by: | Blah Clinton | |
| Succeeded by: | Barack Osama | |
| Date of birth: | Sometime in 1946 | |
| Place of birth: | Texas | |
| Date of death: | 23 December 2012 | |
| Place of death: | Jurassic Park | |
| Wife: | Taylor Swift, but only in his dreams | |
| Political party: | Repooblican | |
These polls against me....the joke's on them! The newspaper writer forgot the "e" in "polle"! He was a child left behind!
George Dubya Bush (b. 1946) is one of the elves of the land of Texas Toast to serve as the President of the United States in order to fulfill the prophecy of the eeeeeeeeeevil Barbie dolls. He is a creepy stalker who lurks among the American body politic. Some think he is Elvis reincarnated. Yet others think he's an abominable pizza. He was a huge fan of Burger King until joining the Cult. And he never found Osama bin Laden. Yet others believe him to be the burning bush Super Moses countered. Uncle Pete think he is Hitler, but that simply could not be. Everyone knows Dubya to be that of the Order of the Flippy Burger.
Dubya is said to be the sole reason the Presidency sucks. But, is he? His response during 9/11 could truly be a sign of the times. Even his re-election bid against that John Kerry fellow. Strange, really. Some credit him with countering privacy with the PATRIOT Act. But, did he? He also has an infatuation with radical revolutionary Taylor Swift for some odd reason. Iraq could have done without Dubya, but would it have collapsed under Saddam? After all, he was a really fat man.
It is indeed true that Dubya is a piece of crap, but why? Is it his purposeful loss of the War on Terror to Islamic fundamentalism? Is it the wonder of the fact that he encountered Colonel Sanders? Or even Jesus? Or is it the wonder of the fact that he had a pizza party at the White Castle? Joe Bin Biden could have something to do with it, but we're not sure?
Is Dubya really constipated? Indeed he could be.
Early Life
Dubya was born in Houston, Texas to Eminem and Brooke in a bowl of fruit. His siblings Larry, Moe, and Curley were indeed the brightest of the bucket. Immediately upon being born, Dubya enlisted in the Global Irreverent Commission. He was assigned the mission of killing the American economy only to let an inexperienced terrorist crash it even further. His godfather Ronald Reagan visited him on his first birthday and gave him the Watch of Polemics. This would guide his moral compass forever and ever. Thus, Dubya the Evangelist was born. He was strongly for the death penalty upon reading in the words of Locke "Thus, the maniac was born of Jack. He will manage to destroy every little thing upon living. So, would killing this man with ethical measure benefit us all? You decide, you imbecile."
Childhood
Dubya was notorious for eating loads of candy. He played dumb games like Jacks and worked in the book of John. Natas had not get gotten a hold of his soul in these days and yet he loved to complain about the warm Texas weather like an arse. Often, Dubya enjoyed playing pranks on his neighbor Frank because he was such an idiot. No one is suggesting that Dubya has that low of an IQ, but we are almost certain he does. Some wonder what else Dubya did as a kid. He played with ducks and loved it. So, often, he would quack all the way home. Dubya almost failed elementary school, due to him writing "farts" to the answer to any question ranging from "Who was the first President" to "What are the three major subatomic particles". Nonetheless, his extra credit report on swiss cheese got him to middle school where he sucked. He managed to make it to high school through bribery.
Adolescence
Dubya dropped out of high school, kay. But, what did he do before then? His freshman year, Bush took his mom to homecoming due to his lack of self-esteem. He failed brutally in all of his classes except gym, since all Texans are physically fit and the class involved no intelligence. He often took demons to the Motel Californie for his personal gain. This is how Dubya managed to also become addicted to alcohol. That made up his sophomore year at Dallas High right after moving from that Houston place they picked on him for wetting his trousers on a trip to the zoo back in fourth grade. After his sophomore year, Dubya dropped out since he had fallen in love with a duck. Of course, it was before Taylor, but this duck was everything to Dubya. So, he married the duck and they began their lives together. He got his GED sometime after the first 334 ducklings, and he barely passed it, due to his idiocy. Often, Dubya drank, and the duck tried to make him quit. Surely, a man of great intellect and intelligence would have known the bodily harm such could induce. But, wait, this is about Dubya. Never mind. So, this often made Dubya angry and he divorced the duck.
Military
Dubya joined the Texas Air Force mainly so he could get some of that delicious food. He went through shoe camp so he could join. He sucked at riding airplanes and often listened to Frank Sinatra on weekends. Thus, he really sucked at everything the Air Force had to offer. Lo, he quit. He returned to alcohol and slackerdom wishing he still had his duck lover. Verily, Dubya could find another. But, would he do it before going into politics. He was ready to show the world that you didn't need to be smart or a war veteran to be president. It was time for this Texan simpleton to shine his dim light. It was time to rig some elections.
Early Political "Career"
Dubya has a big history of stealing elections. First in 1978, he ran a bid for the Plastic House of Representatives against a scary clown. The clown stated Dubya's lack of touch with rural Texans, and assuredly, he lost. He then started reaping oil so he could run again for another meaningless political office. Stuff happened and Dubya with his new duck family moved to Washington, D.C. He got his daddy in the White Castle and moved back to Texas and bought some baseball team. He had not gotten into politics due to his -45 IQ, but he would have his day... after he massaged his main player's back. Swinging a bat can tense up so many muscles. So, Dubya's early political "career" was just an unsuccessful bid for a legislating job and coasting on his dad's achievements. Sounds about right.
"Governor" of Texas
In his homeland of Texas, Dubya felt compelled to retry a political bid for his own ends, which of course is oil. His Demoncratic opponent Willy Wonka ran on a platform of "change and hope", while Dubya just decided to uhhhhhhhhhh. Sure enough, Texans weren't ready for change and Dubya was elected. As governor, Dubya stopped antipollution measures and inserted more big oil propaganda into the state. He also met his right-hand man Karl Rove in his bout in Texas. Verily, Dubya could have been a mastermind at what he did, but he cut taxes in Texas.
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2000 Presidential Campaign
“I invented teh internets!”
Back in 1999, when a banana named Blah Clinton was controlling the White Castle and cheating on his wife, the next elections were going on. Running for the Democratic nomination were Al Gore, the inventor of teh internets, and Justin Bieber, an idiot if I ever seen one. Bieber got Avril Lavigne pregnant, thus Al Gore became the nominee for the Dems. For the Repooblicans, however, there was a split. Should we allow Donald Trump, with financial experience and a mass amount of firings under his belt, Bill Gates with his computer smarts and money, Jesus with his saving of humanity on the cross, or this uneducated Texan slacker be on our ticket? Sure enough, they chose the Texan. Dubya ran against Gore on what was probably the closest election in American history. They were pretty much tied until Florida couldn't count their votes correctly due to the stupidity. So, the Supreme Court just gave it to Dubya, though Gore actually probably got more votes in Florida. But, because of Dubya and his ooooooold court buddies, how will we ever know? Blah Clinton left the White Castle and Dubya took residence and did stuff.
Presidency
Main Article: Epic Fail
Pre-9/11
Dubya began his tenure on January 20, 2001. He ran on a promise to restore dignity to the office of the office of President. He didn't do it. See, he's an uneducated Texan and didn't need hope and change or country first to win an election. All he needed was a Supreme Court to give it to him. He spent the first few months, called "honeymoon" in political lingo, playing Minesweeper. He, and Vice-President Badshot Tricky Dick Cheney had to give a speech to some idiots knowing nothing more than the average American pre-schooler. Dubya's first few months are boring and dull, so this is a waste of time documenting them, so why am I bothering to tell you what happened? I don't know.
September 11, 2001
Dubya was conducting a photo-op in Florida reading to a bunch of little kids when some terrorist crashed a banana into the Trump Towers. Dubya's natural response was to do nothing. He kept on reading to the little kids. Suddenly, another banana hit the other Trump Tower. Some nameless freak said "Mr. President, America's under attack." So, Dubya took the school by storm giving his first serious address to the nation. He flew back to the White Castle and declared war against Iraq without the permission of Congress after the incident and decided to bomb the place because they had fake weapons of mass instruction. Surely, the War on Terror had begun.
“UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Yes, blood!”
“They will never find me!”
“Ohyeh!”
War on Terror
Main Article: War on Terror
The 'War on Terror is the 2001 initiative by President George Dubya Bush to defeat Muslim extremists across the globe. Dubya outlined the War as "A way to spend taxpayer money to defeat some radicals". Not to mention, free ice cream. Bush said that the war would not be over, until the Muslims were killed. So, he did so. In a 2001 Afghanistan bombing, Bush blew up the land since Al-Qaeda operative Big Bird blew up the World Trade Center. In 2003, Iraq was added to the blowing up thing due to the fact that Asadam Ahussen (not his real name) had WMD (Watermelons Melting Dumbbells). In 2006, Dubya decided to declare war on Iran against the will of Congress, so no American would know about it. In 2008, Dubya declared war on Awesomeland because he knew he was going to be ousted next year. Upon taking office in 2009, Lord Barry Saddam Hussein Obama Osama bin Laden Taco Salad Cheese Fat-face Lenin ended the war so he could spend American money on something more important, like cheese puffs. Dubya sucked at war, and lost.
Domestic Policy
Do nothing.
Economic Policy
Dubya decided tax cuts would stimulate the economy. Give the Billy Gates and the War Buf moar moneyto buy hot tubs with. He often decided to clear brush in Texas rather than do this stuff.
Foreign Policy
Stuff go boom boom.
2004 "Re-election"
Economic Recession
Dubya was clern brush in Texas one day, when the stock market plummeted. Badshot Cheney was busy screwing Jenna Bush, when Glenn Beck and Britney Spears announced their alliance to save pizza from the cutting block, which slowed the impact of the recession slightly. Dubya responded by bailing out General Motors, Chrysler, foot fetishists, Al Gore, Venus, Tampax, the Mongols, Crime Inc., Van Jones, the Danish, and the cast of Jersey Shore: The Pre-Beginning: Prom Splurge
End of Presidency
A gift from God
Post-Presidency
Presidential Library
Wait, he gets one?
Memoir
After his presidency, Dubya wrote a memoir entitled Descizun Poyntz. The editor effectively renamed it Decision Points. It has not sold any copies outside of Dubya's home state of Texas, but remains more interesting than Barack Osama's Dreams from My Marxist Father. It contains his early life, fascination with ducks, alcoholism, failed political bids, odd job working, service as governor of Texas and owner of crappy baseball team, stealing of the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections, War on Terror, happiness sorrow on and after 9/11, fail of a presidency, and his post-presidential plans. The following is an edited (by the Decision Points editor Sean Hannity, of course) excerpt from the book about the War in Iraq:
“Say, you know Iraq has oil, right? I lied about Saddam having weapons of mass instruction, so the guys would invade the joint after some idiots from Pakistan attacked the Trump Towers on 9/1 something. So, they did and it cost the United States a lot in tax dollars. But, I did get oil for the next 3 months. Is that not worth invading Iraq? Come on, you stupid critic of my super administration. Man, people are idiots.”
The book sold 3 copies and critics who just rented/borrowed the monstrosity did not receive the book well. Here are some reviews for the book:
“Worse than Charlie Brown Goes to Washington!”
“A waste of time!”
“BS Alert!”
“Wow, there are words in it?”
“I LOVE IT!”
Surely, it was a flop and will be forgotten next month in bookstores and in general conversation.
Other odds and ends
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