IllogiNews:Whacks on, whacks off; the Christine O'Donnell story
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WASILLA, Alaska -- The hometown to the likes of Sarah Palin and an Irish Wolfhound named Anus, will host the American Party of Teabaggers convention this year at the small-world class Mooseback Inn and Root Cellar. One of the anticipated speakers for the event has bowed out due to political pressure from people who are not complete idiots.
Departing from a local airfield in a huff, Christine O'Donnell declined to comment as she was inundated by a seething tide of reporters and an albatross, all seeking confirmation of the rumor that she's not quite as bat fuck insane as previously thought.
Video documentation reveals her stance on masturbation, calling it virtually the same as adultery. Although this issue has not been foremost in her list of platform objectives, it has been discovered by intrepid IllogiNews staff that Ms. O'Donnell owns controlling interest in the No-Wax Corporation, manufacturer of Handz-Off anti-masturbatory creme. We speculate that if she wins the election to the Senate, she will push anti-masturbatory legislation in order to corner the market on a product which (and face it Americans, we love jacking [[[off]]]. In fact, pretty much anything Americans do can be reduced to masturbation), and make huge wads of cash (heh heh... I said "wads").
We also simultaneously think it's a hoax. She'll turn out to be a deep-cover operative for the Democratic Party, and will reveal her identity at a key electoral moment as a demonstration of what kind of wacko many Republicans and Libertarians vote for.