Ivanasti Chestikov
“Chamoneski!”
Ivanasti Chestikov was one of Russia's finest footballers, scoring many amazing goals, more even than Peter Shilton. After winning World Footballer of the Year in 1972 at the age of 24, he invented the tobacco toaster, a device that makes bread taste like cigar smoke. He won the Nobel Insanity Prize the following year after analysing the eeble and keeping a pet elephant under his bed for almost six months[1].
Life after football
After starring in a series of embarrassing cough drop commercials --apparently nobody told him his name is rather amusing to English speakers--, Chestikov went on to develop Benylin and later became a leading light in the amateur medicine movement. Unfortunately, his poor knowledge of the field, coupled with an inflated sense of self esteem only fame can bring, resulted in the deaths of many innocent civilians, but since there was no proof Chestikov continued in the role up until his retirement.
Death
Chestikov died of bronchitis in 2001 after smoking one thousand and three cigarettes in a day, a record for his Russian hometown, Ivanadayee. He was given a state funeral which was attended by over 300 people, again a record for his hometown.
References
- ↑ Apparently he kept it alive by feeding it bits of dirty magazines and Twixski (Russian confection) wrappers.