Mississippi
A report on Mississippi, by Loyd G. Vargramptus III Senior, The Great, The Fifth.
Mississippi is in the south of the United States of America, but they don't know that. Mississippi believes that it is its own separate country because nobody ever told them that they lost the civil war. They do not have internet in Mississippi and nobody can read or write. So they basically have no idea what's going on anywhere in the world.
Fun Fact: Flying dinosaurs ate the eyeballs of every person living in Mississippi, so they are all blind.
Mississippi has humid summers. [see above]. The Mississippi flag has that weird Dukes of Hazard looking Confederate cross thing on it so all the other states laugh at Mississippi for being racist.
THE HAVE A LOT OF CATFISH AQUACULTURE FARMS BECAUSE THEY ALL EAT CATFISH.
When hurricane Katrina happened, Mississippi got *&^%$# up. 238 people died but nobody missed them because everyone is blind and they have no idea what the population is. The capital of Mississippi is Jackson, it was named after Tito Jackson because everyone in Mississippi thinks he is more talented than Michael, which is true now because corpses are not very talented.
Fun Fact: When cock fighting became illegal, Mississippians tried to start pigeon fighting. But when the cages opened, the birds just flew away. This lead to the killing of the fight promoters, and a full ban on all fun in Mississippi.
Mississippi has two U.S. Senators, one of them is named Thad Cochran. Thad is a really strange name. Thad never shows up in D.C. because as I said earlier, they still have no idea they are part of the United States. He just sits around eating catfish all day wondering why he's blind. Mississippi has 5 members in the United States House of Delegation. 3 democrats, 1 republican, and a shopping cart wheel.
There is a city named Biloxi. That is a stupid name.
Anyone who lives in Mississippi is a moron because that state gets owned by mother nature all the time. Aside from Katrina, THE GREAT NATCHEZ TORNADO of 1840, and hurricane Camille of 1969 killed a lot of people. This is proof that God hates Mississippi and wants everyone there to be dead. He will show them no mercy.
Fun Fact: Lumber is prevalent in Mississippi.
Mississippi apparently has littering problems. It's because nobody can ever find a trash can. Even if they could, they couldn't read the words on the side that say "trash can" so they wouldn't know what to do with it.
Somebody called me from Tennessee last night, I have no idea who it was and didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer, but I got curious and googled the area code and found out they were from Tennessee. WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT? Anyway, Tennessee is not equivalent to Mississippi. They are two different things. Like coffee and calculators.
The official state beverage of Mississippi is milk. I didn't know that, I think they stole that idea from Wisconsin. I bet they are pissed. The official state fossil is the prehistoric whale, which is funny because whales are harmless and hilarious.
Apparently, Mississippi has a state "soil", it's called "natchez silt loam". I have no idea what a loam is, so whatever. The state rock is petrified wood, which is funny because IT’S NOT A ROCK.
I grow tired of writing this essay, so let's all sing the official song of the state of Mississippi.
States may sing their songs of praise
With waving flags and hip-hoo-rays
Let cymbals crash and let bells ring
Cause here's one song I'm proud to sing
Go, Mississippi, keep rolling along
Go, Mississippi you cannot go wrong
Go, Mississippi, we're singing your song,
M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I.
We eat catfish all day long
I'm making up this part of the song
We are racist and don't get along
With people who don't sing along
Go, Mississippi, keep rolling along
Go, Mississippi you cannot go wrong
Go, Mississippi, we're singing your song,
M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I.