Red Storm, or How the Americans Stole my Butt

*A wizened old man sits himself down in an armchair. Only after he's made himself comfortable does he begin to speak.*

Well, you know what they say, here in Glorious Яussia. Everyone appreciates freezing in their Siberian holiday lodges, and burning grandma for fuel. But what about the heroes who made this country what it is? That, my son, is why I shall tell you this scary story, because this is the time of year when capitalist pig-dog-monkeys scare the shit out of their children and give them candy. Since there is no candy in Glorious Яussia, I guess you'll have to make do with the out-of-you-shit-scaring. I advise you to get away from the picture of Stalin, because you know what happened when your brother Vodkask used that one of those as toilet paper in the Great Paper Shortage of 1948....

*Typical flashback montage ensues, with the ripple affects across the visual parameter signifying the transition from real life to memor*

Well, you see, I was one of those conscripts who defended Stalingrad from the fascists. I dunno how it happen, it's just one minute I was drinking vodka with my comrades, and the next minute I woke up on the streets of Stalingrad. Y'know, I might have been drinking in Stalingrad, but anyway, I began to kill some Germans nonetheless. There were loads of them, and they all had the best cheat codes, but we got a bonus for being on our homeland, and for urban warfare, so we were very quickly scoring combos.

THEN, SOMETHING PREDICTABLY SCARY HAPPENED

So, yeah, I was like wtf, and there was this gigantic AMERICAN. He had horns and a tail and was, like FIFTY FEET TALL. He also threw fire and rockets and pumpkins. The Americans were our allies then, but this guy was seriously psycho, so as I was preparing to smash him with my broken vodka bottle he used his lasers, and I woke up, minus one butt.

Seriously...

The place I woke up in (again) was really scary, it was full of all these kids who were sober! I simply freaked out, and bought a plane ticket, and I found myself in Super Russia. Super Russia is like this awesome place with twice the redness squeezed into half the size. After getting totally pissed on super vodka, I went home to my apartment, and it was twice as derelict as before. Not only that, but the secret police abducted me in half the time it would usually take. I was sentenced to spend time in a super gulag! It was amazingly horrific.