Saving the Village
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"Can I have two cheeseburgers, a number seven, and a small drink, please?" said Frank, a stout man with bright brown hair. He was wearing a pair of shoes, both of which were black, and he was wearing a suspicious pair of leather gloves. However, he was wearing nothing else.
"Sir, you are not wearing any clothes." said the person behind the counter.
"I amn't? Hm. I must have been sleeping again." responded Frank.
"And, sir? This is a bank, not Burger King." said the person behind the counter.
"It is, well, in that case, I'd like to make a withdraw."
The person behind the counter merely shook his head. "Sir," the person said calmly, "We have a zero-tolerance policy stating 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.'"
"Well in that case, I'll leave!"
"Thank god."
Frank proceeded out the door. He had to get to work. But first, he had to go home and get himself a cup of iced tea. He went home, put on some clothes and then left his home with a cup of steaming hot tea. Then he looked at his watch.
"Late for work again!" he said. Work was twenty miles away, and he had to get going. He wasn't sure whether he should get a ride on the bus or walk. "Work is 15 miles away! Why would I even consider walking?" he said.
On his walk to work, Frank realized that he had left his home without locking the door. "Oh no! If I don't lock the door, I can get robbed!" He stood and pondered for a moment, then continued walking to work. As he was walking, he noticed something on the side of the rode. It looked like and anthill covered with ants. "I love ants!" he said just before burning all of them with a magnifying glass. After seeing the dead ants, he yelled "Hey, who killed these ants!? Oh, well, better get to work. I'm supposed to be there at eleven, and it's already six!"
But then Frank had and epiphany. He realized his name wasn't Frank; it was really Tom. "Well, I'll be damned!" Tom then finished his walk to work, which was a small, run-down cottage. "Hm," he said. "Looks like somebody got a new paint job!" He went inside, to find absolutely nobody there. "Ah, another day at work. I sure hope the boss doesn't find that I'm late," he went to his office on the thirtieth floor, where he sat for five minutes thinking about fish. Then he got up and went to bathroom, which was really just a bag of potatoes. "Refreshing," he sighed.
After he finished his twenty-eight hour work day, he started his walk back home.
"My home is South of here." he thought out loud. Then he walked north for ten miles, before realizing he was walking the wrong way. "Silly me," he remarked. When he turned around to head back, he found himself in the middle of a Village. "Well, goodness me, how in the world did I get here?" He started walking through the village, stopping every three inches or so to admire little bits of dirt. "How intricate," Tom noted. After ten hours of looking at dirt, he finally noticed all of the people staring at him.
"Who the hell is that, and why is he in our village?" one of them said.
"I wish there was a podium for me to stand on to make my speech." After saying that Tom walked over to the podium in the middle of the road and attempted to stand on the fire hydrant next to it. He failed to do so, and instead stood on a car.
"Hello, people of this village! I am Tom, and I now declare myself the ruler, leader, dictator, grand master, dictator, and chef of this town you call home. If you have any questions or comments, leave a message on my answering machine at home."
Tom stepped off of the car. All of the people who were watching him pulled out a 9mm handgun and aimed it right at Tom's head.
"And where are you going, mister?" said a tall man in the group of people.
Tom looked back over his shoulder. "I'm going to your palace, so I can become King!"
The crowd of people were just about to pull the trigger, but then a giant dinosaur roared and started walking towards the village.
"Oh no! The Tranker is back! Everybody break into an uncontrollable panic! yelled a member of the people. The rest of the crowd started running and screaming, stampeding in an unorganized manner. Tom turned around to see all of these people and the dinosaur, which was about three feet tall. He walked back over to the car, and cleared his throat.
"STOP!" he exclaimed. All of the people stopped and looked at him. "People! We can defeat this beast! Do not worry! I shall do so!" AS he got off the car, he noticed the podium. "How fancy," said Tom before jumping on to it. Then he began thinking of ways to defeat the monster. The people still continued running and screaming, many shooting or dropping their guns. "If only I had some guns, then it would be easy to kill this thing," Tom said.
Tom got up from the podium and began walking towards the dinosaur. When he was standing right next to it, he realized that it was some where closer to one hundred feet tall. "How strange. It only looked three feet tall from far away. Well, uh, better do something then." He kicked the dinosaur in the foot. It stopped walking, looked down at him, and then bit off his arm. "Oh dear." Tom said.
The dinosaur left with a satisfied hunger, and Tom walked back to the village with one less arm than normal. As he was walking there, he was thinking about how alarm clocks work. However, his thoughts were cut short once he entered the village to a crowd of cheering people.
"You saved us! You’re a national hero!" one exclaimed. Others continued to cheer, and no one seemed to notice that he was missing an arm. Then he looked over to where his left arm was supposed to be and saw nothing.
"Hey, where's my right arm!?" he exclaimed. The crowd of people stopped cheering and looked at him.
"Our hero has lost his arm! Left's find it!" the entire population of the town, even the paralyzed old women who lived on the corner, started searching for his right arm. However, no one would ever find it because they were really looking for his left arm. His left arm was in the middle of the road, but no one payed attention to it.
After fourteen days of searching, the village gave up searching. "We couldn't find your arm," they Told Tom.
"Oh, it's ok!" he told the back. "It's actually pretty cool! Now that I'm missing an arm, the wound has become all gross and has red lines protruding from it! It's really cool looking!"
Just then the dinosaur came back, and the people of the Village broke into a panic.
"Don’t' worry, I'll save you people!" yelled Tom. The crowd of people broke into a cheer.
Tom began to walk towards the beast, thinking of ways he could defeat it. Once he finally reached it, he had thought of nothing. "Well, I could always kill it!" he thought. He took a pin out of his pocket and attempted to pierce the dinosaur’s three-inch-thick skin. It didn't work. "Damn, I thought it was going to work!" The dinosaur looked down, and bit off Tom's left ear.
Tom, now half deaf, walked back to the people of the village. They were cheering again, for the beast had gone away. Tom couldn't hear most of them though, because most of them were cheering on the left side of his head. Then he sat down in the road, and everyone went back to making cups of lemonade.
They kept doing so for three days. Tom just sat in the road, becoming more and more infected at his wounds. And then, after those three days were up, the dinosaur came back.
Tom, who at this point was as about as useful as an old, moldy sponge, was getting bombarded by people telling him to go kill the beast. Since he could hardly move, he got up and starting running towards the building marked "Movie Rentals". Once he was inside, he pressed a secret button beneath the counter that opened the secret room. In the secret room was a bundle of old newspapers. He took one and then left the building.
"Ok, people. We've got a situation. This dinosaur keeps coming back every few days, and each time he keeps eating more and more of me. If this keeps up, soon there won't be enough of me to fend this thing off. What we need to do is make a group movement so we can destroy this monster once and for all!" The crowd cheered. Tom continued. "What we are going to do is organize into groups. On group with get a lot of oil, the other will get a big giant pot and the others will get a few cigarette lighters. Got it?" The crowd of people proceeded in completing their tasks. After roughly four hours, the dinosaur was about twenty feet away from the village and everyone had collected the proper equipment.
"Ok, good people, good. Now what you do is put all of the oil into the pot, and then hold the lighters under it to heat it up. Once it gets hot enough, we'll pour it on the dinosaurs head and it will die. Sounds good?" The crowd cheered. They poured several thousand gallons of oil into the gigantic pot. Then, they got three little lighters and held them under the pot waiting for the oil to heat up. Seeing how it take more than a year to complete, Tom just walked up to the dinosaur, who was now four feet away, and then kicked him. The dinosaur, who was completely aggravated, went romping through the village eating people by the tens. "that's odd," said Tom. "I thought he would fly to China instead."
After the two hour massacre, the dinosaur left the village.
Only two village people were left, and both were missing a limb.
Tom went to the podium and said "Dear people of this village, what has become of us? Why have we stopped fighting? You cannot quit now, for the war has just begun. We must keep going, trying, and if we do we will finally kill that dinosaur! So what do you people say?"
"You idiot!" said one of the two survivors. "The whole town has been eaten except for two of us, and we only have one arm to work with! Why do you think we've stopped fighting!?" Both of the survivors walked away to the sunset happily, and both were seared to a crisp.
"Well that's a shame," said Tom. He continued with his speech, although no one was there to here it. "Now, I would like a show of hands. Who wants to beat this dinosaur!?" No one raised their hands.
"Well, I guess I will do it by myself," said Tom.
Tom had to wait for the Dinosaur to come. While he was waiting, he decided to take a stroll through the village. "I never noticed this village before," he said. "It's so quaint. I'd love to meet the people who live here!" He walked for about twenty minutes, and then he noticed that he wasn't wearing any shoes.
"Oh goodness, did I leave them at home again?"
Tom walked all the way to his house, got his shoes, and walked back. The trip was a total of seventy miles. Then he realized he forgot to lock the doors. "Ah, damn! If I don't lock the doors, I might get robbed." So then he started going all the way back to his house. Once he got there, he locked all of the doors. "All better, he said with a smile. "But... I always wanted to get robbed... so might as well leave them unlocked!" after twenty minutes, all of the locks were locked. "All better," he said.
He continued his endeavor back to the village. Along the way he was hit by a car and broke his back, but he still continued to the village.
"What a nice day for a walk," he said as it began to rain knives. Several stabbed him in the head. "This is some really great summer whether!" he said. Then he walked past a sign that read Today is: December 14. "Bah humbug," he said.
He had finally reached the village after his two day walk.
"Now what was I here for again?" he asked himself. Then he remembered he was there for the dinosaur.
"Oh yeah..."
After a day, the dinosaur walked up. "What am I going to do?" said Tom.
He looked around, and saw and RPG launcher. "Well, is it my lucky day!" he ran over to the RPG and picked up a penny next to it. "One cent richer, brother!" he exclaimed with glee. After picking up the penny, the dinosaur was standing right next to him. "Can I help you?" he asked politely.
"Actually, yes." said the dinosaur. "Where is the local pub?"
"Oh, it's about two miles east of here. Just head in that direction and you won't miss it." Tom replied.
"Thank you," said the dinosaur.
The dinosaur walked to the pub, got and got a drink.
Meanwhile, Tom sat confused. "Did I leave my wallet at home? Blast." he said.
As he began walking home, he slipped on a kid's marbles and fell on his head. The next day he was at the hospital. The dinosaur came to visit him, but he effectively crushed the hospital and everyone inside.
THE END. (Very non-sequitir)
Critcs Reactions
“The is probably the best story I have ever read. Except of course, everything with Winnie the Pooh.”
“My brain is like puddding after reading that.”
“The author should be sent to the insane ward immedaitely!”