Why Things Seem Smaller When Far Away
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Discovered in a backroom of a Medieval torture chamber, the diary of Ambrose C. Joseph L. Cajek, an insane mathemetician, has been unearthed and will now be displayed in Illogicopedia. Ambrose was an insane mathemetician, and so it is best to not read anything he wrote, no matter how entertaining, and downright sexy, his mathematical scribblings may be.
Ambrose's two-thousand page diary speaks volumes about the most controversial topic of his time... no, not that the sun went around the Earth, but that things were smaller when farther away. Yeah, people in Medieval times were fucking morons.
The Diary of Ambrose C. Joseph L. Cajek
Day 1 of Observation
They thought I was crazy when I said that things that were far away looked smaller! They thought I was mad! If I was an evil scientist, this would work in my favor. As it is, I have to hide out and conduct my experiments alone in this dark, drafty, two story beachside condo.
Day 2 of Obvservation
My diary is wrong. Today is really the first day of observation, seeing as how I observed very little yesterday. I must go to the supermar- I mean the bazaar, to pick up the tools needed for my very, very, extremely complicated experiments.
After an hour or two of shopping, I have discovered a most useful penguin to conduct my experiments with, among other things (but only if I get really lonely). This particular penguin I shall name Norbert after my uncle, who was an odd uncle, but closer to me than any uncle could ever be, legally or otherwise.
Day 3 of Ovbresvation
| Time | Distance from Norbert | Norbert | Conclusion |
|---|---|---|---|
| 4:30a | 1 foot | Honking loudly, begging for food. | Norbert is too close to draw any conclusions. |
| 5:00a | 2 feet | Honking is not quite as loud, but at least Norbert looks slightly smaller. | It took 30 minutes to move Norbert one more foot away. I wish I had an unpaid intern: THAT would make Norbert jealous. |
| 5:15a | about 3 feet | Norbert is beginning to recede into the distance, however honking has somehow become slightly more pronounced. | I wish I hadn't started so early in the morning. This is ri-DIC-ulous. |
| 5:30a | about this much | Norbert is farther away now, either that or he has shrunk again. | NOTE TO SELF: Next time, don't buy a penguin shorter than 5 inches for these experiments. |
| 11:45a | 5 feet or there-abouts | Norbert is not visible, but it may be because he is behind my painting of Lady Bronson, my deceased (and overweight) lover. I can hear him honking, but he is definitely not visible, even after squinting. | After losing Norbert in the distance when he was 8 feet away, I had to spend hours searching the house for him. NOTE TO SELF: Next time, don't buy a shrinking penguin for these experiments. |
Day 4 of Ojservtiaoin
Success! Although the experiments are not entirely conclusive, I have proven that at least penguins seem smaller when far away. Norbert seems pleased, not only with the results but with the new powdered wig I have proffered unto him as a reward (yeah, that's how we talk). He waddles about the house, getting smaller and smaller as he gets farther away. Now I must prove that things that are farther away do indeed get smaller. (NOTE TO SELF: Norbert is larger than 5 inches tall. In fact, when I am close to him it seems like he may, in fact, be 300 feet in length.)
Day 5 of Oserbvatoiqn
As I look at Norbert, who is across the room, I find it difficult to tell how tall he is. As of now, he is eight and one half microns tall, but when he is grovelling in his powdered wig for food, he either gets closer to me, or expands to a tremendous height of about 20 feet, honking in my face. Along with this is the disturbing conclusion that, when he is 5 inches tall I cannot touch him, but when he is 20 feet, touching him is hardly avoidable! (And I mean that in the sexiest way possible)
Obviously, there are some kinks to work out of my theory.
Day 6 of Looking At Stuff
Norbert honks gleefully in his huge powdered wig as I contemplate in my chamber. Why do things look smaller when they are farther away? A problem arises: how can I prove for certain that things are far away? When I hook my tape measuring device to my desk and walk away, I can distinctly tell that it is getting smaller, but I cannot prove it is far away. My tape measure gives a number which both Norbert and I agree upon, but I cannot prove that there is actual "distance" involved in a three-dimensional manner! I must be having a problem with my eyes, as my field of view is always in two dimensions!
Day 7 of Looking N' Stuff
My vision doesn't seem to be that bad, but there are problems. My vision only simulates distance via binocular vision, it doesn't actually show me distance! Oh woe, that my 7 hours of experimentation should be for naught!
Quickly, I place Norbert at the far side of the room, and ask him how tall I am. As he becomes smaller, he honks that I am getting smaller, but that he has remained the same size! What the FUCK is going on? I know for a fact that he is, as I write this, 2 inches tall, but he says he feels no different!
Apparently my hypothesis was backwards: When something becomes smaller it then recedes into the distance, not the other way around! How foolish I was in my younger days, on Wednesday.
Day 8 of Lookin' N' Shit
I decide that the best way to understand not only why things get farther away as they get smaller but also Penguin anatomy (WHY DO THEY CHANGE SIZE SO RAPIDLY??), I throw Norbert off the roof. Over time, Norbert gets smaller and smaller until I hear a *piff*. I reach out to Norbert, but I can't touch him for some reason. He is clear to me, and yet so small now. His powdered wig has flown off now, and he looks dazed and confused. He wanders around the beach for a while, getting smaller and smaller. I call to him, but there's no response. I reach my hand out farther, but Norbert is out of my grasp.
Norbert has swum away from me, and left me to my experiments.
Day 9 of Look At That
The Christian mob has found me and declared my work "apocryphal". I am sentenced to 30 years in prison with nothing but another apocryphal scientist by my side... or across the room... or whatever.
But, what is this? Norbert? They have arrested you as well? What did YOU do that was so "apocryphal"? You did a study on "Why Some Things Exist And Others Don't?" ...what are you, retarded?