Spelling
“I R GEWD SPLELUR”
Speling iz tha praktiss uv ritting thengz gud. Itt rekwirez uzing wurds, leturz, end uh holl bunnch uv othur complikatid krapp, end iff enne uv yoo reederz reallee kaird yoo wood louk itt upp onn Wikkepedya, nott heare. Soe, letts git too tha emportint parrtz. Speling iz emportint, wethur yoo laik et ore nott, bekuz et iz rekwierd too kummunikate nonn-vurbullee. Iff yoo evenn no wut thatt meens.
Kreashun
Speling wuz kreatid bi uh mann naimed Jonn. Itt wuz eether thatt ore Johhn. Wee dount no maynlee becuz hee hardlee new hau too spel wen hee invenntid et. Howevvur, Jonn or Johhn, wheell juzt cal himme "J" fourr shorrt, maid et upp skribbling randumb thengs en tha sannd. Hee thenn sed: "Quite intricate, isnt', my small acquaintence. Alas, we could turn this new speculation into a world-changing concept." Thenn, hee roate doun tuenty sickz, ore ate ore sevin ore sumthing litul simbulls end gayv et ann enturesting naym: Tha Alfabett. Hee maid tha alfabett en 1908, thrie yeerz afftur ayr end watur wuz diskuvered. Uhmazinglee, tyme wuz diskuvered en 1905, thrie yeers afftur tyme inkramints wur diskuvered.
J wennt arownd teling peepul abowt hiz neww ideyuh, end evrywun emmediatlee wantid too joyn en onn tha funn. Howevur, sum gellus peepul maid ther oun alfabetts, laik tha Rushinz end Araybiens. Thay maid ther oun stoopid simbulls thatt suk bigg tyme. Howevvur, J keppt pursissting en hiz moovmint towurds spreding hiz alfabett, noww kald "English". Hee kald et thatt becuz hee wuz drunnk wen hee kame upp withh et.
Tha Alfabett
Tha alfabett iz uh seareez uv od shaypd thengs thatt peepul youz too rite doun inturessting litul thegns cald "wurds". En thiss Alfabett, therr r ekzaktly tuenty siks, ore iz et tuenty sevin? Wel I doent reallee no butt therrr r tuenty sumtheng litul simbulls cald "letturz". Theez letturz maik tha wurds, end tha wurds maik thengs cald centenses. Centenses r groops uv wurds thatt maik grammatic sence. Weeel gitt entoo thatt laitur. Centenses du nott wurk iff evin wun singul wurd iz mispeld. Iff yoo mispel enny wurd, tha baylifs cum end ripp yorr arrm awff. Soe pai speshul attenshun too speling thengs propurlee.
Atte playses cald skools, therr r peepul cald teechers hoo teech tha alfabett too smal, iddyotic end jennurully fulish chilldrin. Howevvur, theese chilldrin r offen reluktint too leern tha alfabett, becuz thay r dum end wannt too hav tha baylif cum end ripp ther arrms awff. Fuls.
“I is for... ice cream. J is for... Jump K is for... class you answer this one...”
“Kat”
“You're so fucking stupid!!!”
“Bitch! Only my daddy can swear at me”
“Fuck this life...”
“Spell "Duck".”
“Shut the hell up or I'll make some alphabet soup out your ass!”
Grammer
Grammer iz uh subjekt klosly relaytid too speling witch envolvz fourmating thengs corektlee laik puting uh peeryud end nawt makking runn un centenses end uhll uv thatt stuf end grammer iz uh highlee-reguardid praktiss. Et iz vury emportent four peepul nawt too youse tha rong punkchooashun att tha ennd uv there sentense? Du yu uhgree weth thiss! Grammer iz wut maiks centenses centenses. Et byndz al uv tha thengs reguarding litturachure togethur. Howevvur peepul laik too dikked et upp uh lottz wen thay tiped. Thay yoos rong punktuashun; end thenn thay yoos ronglee capitULIzashuN four absulutly reeson at al.
Howevvur, tha emportince uv grammer iz vury emportint. Withowt et, wee cood nott rite propperlee, ore maik funn uv stoopid kiddz hoo cannt seam too rite thengs corektly. Wee laik too throo rottin tumaytoes end chunckz uv brikk att thos kidz, juzt becuz thay cannt rite gruhmatikly corekt centencse. Et maye ceem harrsh, butt etz funn watcheng thim slipp entoo uh coemuh afftur beeying knokked en tha skul sevrull tiems weth roks. Allso, tha blud iz kwite enturesteng too wattch flo doun tha rode entoo tha storem drayn. Butt uhpart frum thatt, grammer cervez othur perpusses. Wun iz et supplys tunz uv thengs four peepul too rite abowt att Wikkypedya. Thos basterds. Allso, et givvs sevrul thousind oled ladys jahbz az tha stoopid teecher evrywun hayts. Thay tri too teech grammer end othur thengs abowt langwige too ther stoodints, butt tha stoodints r tu bizzy duing othur, moar funn stuf, laik eeting fude end bloing spittbalz.
Speling Beez
Thare r speshul kaynds uv tha ensekt beez that r gewd att speling. Thay hav bin yoused too teech stoodints haww too sai wurds. Thay hav bin nown too steng thoese hoo ceeck advize frum thim. Tha Nashunul Assosiation uv Gewd Spelers iz strounglee agenst tha youce uv Speling Beez.
“These wild insects say the help us but we shouldn't become to reliant on them”
Speling Beez r owtrayged att tha comennts abowwt thim.
“We do all this shit for them and THIS is what the give us?”
Mennee dabates end ryuts hav cum frum thiss dissagrimint. Tha speling beaz r kunsiddering bekumming ann indeependint kuntry too waje wor agenst tha hole wurld. Dipplomatts frum tha Yunitid Nayshuns diskurrage tha plann end thretten too blo themm too smithureenz. Noe wurd onn tha Yunitid Stayts cide onn thiss conflikt. Menne expurts kwestion tha Speling Beaz taktiks en thiss conflikt.
“What are they gonna do? Sting us to death? They're the smart bees. All the strong bees don't give a fuck about them.”
Tha leeder uv tha Speling Beaz haz tayckin tha hellm uv contreversy.
“This is a New World Order. We've been treated like parasites for too long. We've given you too much you ungrateful.. ungrateful.. worthless pieces of shit.”
Tha Speling Beaz hav puld uh stunnt laik thiss befour. En 2005, thay sed thay wer gehtting tyred uv huemens krap soe thay uhtakked uh smal toun en Jorja. Fiftee fiv peepul wer stunng butt onlee wun wuz kild.
Fonniks
Fonniks iz tha theng wear yoo lern hou too spel wurds bi sowding thim owt soe peepul thatt dropd owt uv furst graid kan spel thengs. Fonniks wuz develuppd bi overlee-kunsurned end greedee parints hoo wantid ther chilldrin too bee abull too reed. Thay wantid ther chilldrin too reed soe thatt thay kood gro upp end maik uh tonn uv munnee, uhllowing tha chilldrin too pae fourr ther parints' retiurmints. Uh kunning plann, iff eye donnt sae soe mieself, butt en fakt, fonniks turnned owt too bee wurse thann tha evul scheeming parints pland et wood bee. Chilldrin evrywear wer bekumming addiktid too fonniks, ore wut peepul cald "hooked" becuz uv tha stoopid lyne en tha kummershuls.
Teechings
Tha jennurul teechings uv fonniks iz too teech stoodints wut letturz maik wut sownd. Thay giv yoo pikshures uv thengs end yoo hav too naym wut thay r. Laik thay giv yoo uh pikshur uv uh skware end yoo hav too naym thatt itz uh skware. Pursunullee eye m terribull att fonniks end mye teecher wantz mee ded. Onn uhnuther noat, menne skools r kutting ther fonniks programms, becuz thay realyzed thatt tha parint's sheem maye bee probblematik
“My son needs to learn these skills and they're cutting them out of schools; this is an outrage!”
“Pfft. Have you seen your son? He's gonna grow up to be a freaking child's activist. You have no reason to get your hopes up.”
“Must read... must read....”
“No! What's wrong with my son?”
Sune, tha parints reelized thatt ther plannz hadd bakkfyurd end sune tha chilldrin cood nott stoppe reeding. Thay wood reed, reed, reed, end thenn gayn soe mutch nahwlidge thatt thay wood tayk ovur tha wurld. Parints hadd too putte ann ennd too thiss.
En skools thatt nevur hadd enne fonniks programms parints hadd fawt too git tha programms en tha skools.
“We need to bring these helpful programs into schools. They help teach the children”
“You're son is John right? He's going to become a gang banger anyway don't waste your time”
“Hey, Principal! You want some weed? No? Okay. Mrs. Jones? You want some weed? Fifty bucks. No? No? Anyone? Damn. I had much better luck selling crack.”
Kritisisum end Rekal uv Fonniks
“My son.. He started learning phonics... But then he got hooked.”
Expurts sune diskuvvurd afftur uh ceareez uv testtz thatt chilldrin evrywear wer sune fokussing ther attenshun ecksloosively onn fonniks. Thay wood nott eet, drinck, sleap, ore paynt tha howse becuz thay wer to bizzy withe fonniks. Tha syintists rekummended thatt tha parints remoove fonniks frum ther chilldrins' lyves, becuz "It is very, harmful to them. Almost as though it were an addictive drug." Menne parints attemptid too taik themm uhway, butt chilldrin didd nott uhllow themm. Sune, menne kiddz wer trieing too ovurthro ther parints, end starrt uh ribellyun too keap fonniks availibull too thim.
Parints, daturminned too putt ann ennd too tha "Fonniks Revalooshun", az thay cald et, wennt owt frum hoem too hoem kullekting tha fonniks setz. Thay tuk thim frum addiktid chilldrin, mennee uv hoom chaced thim afftur thay spedd awayy en ther minnee vanz ful uv konfisskatid fonniks setz. Tha chilldrin wood skreem ther newlee leernd wurds, sutch az "Dog" end "Bed", en uttur frusstrayshun uv loozing tha onlee theng thay kared abowt en lief.
Kunklushun
En kunklushun, thiss iz mye kunklushun. Gewd nite Amerika.