The Real Santa
You might think Santa is as described in the more commonly available mainstream article. But no, so it isn't! That article is vicious, horrible propaganda, an evil plot whitewashing his true activities!
For in actuality, he is the most evil mastermind of all reality, his secret headquarters located in the fourth dimension on a vast, snow-covered mobius strip!
Evil genetic engineering of all of us!
Yes, such his horrible, wretched mutant reindeers have performed; viciously, without the slightest hint of remorse, WEAKENING US ALL AND RENDERING US MERE MORTALS SUBJECT TO HIS RULE!
Just what else does he do?
He has ENSLAVED US ALL, giggling merrily and saying HO HO HO in his eeble, sinister voice!!!
It is nothing less than a Sonic Disruptor cannon, influencing our minds EVERY SINGLE SECOND, convincing even innocent children to sit in his lap, near the very den of evil!
It is the truth! The ONLY truth!
If you have the slightest bit of good in you you will instantly recognize this!
Quick!
Observe, as the evil Santa teleports instantly through time and space! Eeeeeeeee! He is after us all1!!1!111
There is no time to lose, and do not let him sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through Christmas beverages, as he has so sinisterly plotted to do! No, not even must is safe, due to the moose reindeers!