The Tragedy of The Psychedelic Magician and His Benevolent Army of Latin Terminologies

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The Play

introducing the characters in order of appearance:

• Psychedelic Magician - an eccentric old hermit.
• Latin terminologies - an army of benevolent latin terminologies. Prone to vanity and violence.
• Fool - A mexican man in a purple poncho who slowly develops into madness. Damnit we spoiled the plot! Well, what does he develop from? Eh? Eh?
• Poogle - this doesn't exist, we just thought the word was cool.
• Ighand - an italian witch doctor who believes in peace and wants to smack the shit out of Psychedelic Magician. Wears glasses.
• The British Public - they make most of the magician's decisions after democracy ran riot.
• Democracy - although he doesn't feature in this play, we just wanted to point out that he's a wanker.
• Raven sitting on a skull - (ominous)

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Act I Scene I

The scene is set. The sun rises and falls. No-one knows why. Even the scientists are stumped. What are they being paid for?

Psychedelic Magician: (casting a spell) Nem lauxe som ohr ofsi aide pik iw!

Latin terminologies appear

Psychedelic Magician: Woop!

The next day Enter RC Ighand, LC Psychedelic Magician and Latin Terminologies, severally

Ighand: Ooh, what are those? latin terminologies? You big sissy. I use manly terminologies like moreover and bulldog! Where can I set my horses?

Psychedelic Magician: You're just being mean. I'th'mire.

Ighand: Prithee, if thou lov'st me, tell me.

Psychedelic Magician: I love thee not.

Latin Terminologies: Vice versa ergo.

Enter Fool LC

Fool: Prithee, holmes! If a man's brains were in's heels, were't not in danger of being shanked in the ear?

Psychedelic Magician: ...yes?

Fool: Then I prithee be merry; thy wit shall not go slipshod, holmes.

Psychedelic Magician: Ha, ha, ha. I can actually understand shakespearean terminology, so stop calling me stupid!

Fool: Shalt see thy other girlfriend will use thee; for though she's as like this as a crab's like an hero, yet I can eat fajitas.

Latin Terminologies: Verily, error illustratus. Et cetera.

Fool: If thou wert me, I'd have thee beaten for being a sop o'th'moonshine, better known as a man so full of sword holes that one can see one's liver having the moon shone upon't!

[Dies]

Fool: She that's a virgin now, and laughs at my departure, shall not be a virgin long.

Ighand: Wait, didn't he die? I guess the writer's lost the plot, and he's the one who's supposed to be writing it! How now? are the horses ready?

Psychedelic Magician: I will not set your horses.

Ighand: Why then, I care not for thee.

Psychedelic Magician: If I had thee in my grasp, I would make thee care for ME! Wanker, I know thee.

Ighand: What dost thou know me for?

Psychedelic Magician: Wanking. I'll make a sop o' the moonshine of you: draw, you wanking wanky wanker, draw!

Ighand: Draw what?

Psychedelic Magician: Two swords, with which we can have imaginary fights!

Ighand: Can't we just have a physical fight? Look, I have two real swords here!

Psychedelic Magician: (sighs) fine. I guess you forgot to read the health & safety papers that came with the script.

Ighand: I did read it! If smoking is a form of reading.

Divers alarums. What does that mean. It looks cool. Both characters draw their swords. Magician and Ighand clash swords. They then drop them and have a girly slap fight.

Ighand: Ow! You slap like an anorexic cripple!

Fool: I should'st think his hand tastes as a tortilla does to tequila. (is slapped) Help, hoe! murder! help!

[Dies]

Ighand breaks Magician's nose with a golf club.

Ighand: You haven't seen the last of me! Mwahahaa

[Exit RC, fast, with a limp]

[Enter Ighand LC]

Ighand: Told you so! (smacks Magician on the head with a brick)

[Exit LC, slow, without a limp]

[Enter Ighand RC]

Ighand: Haha! (runs across stage and stamps on Magician's head)

[Exit LC, fast, with a limp]