What if you can't find the remote

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What if you can't find the remote?

This is a horrible, horrible ordeal that no one on this planet should have to endure, but we do, because sometimes you just can't find the remote.

There are some things you should know.

Things you should know

• The remote is not dead. Do not give it a funeral.
• The remote is not invisible. Usually. If you still can't find the remote after you've completed everything on the latter part of this page, you may have to accept the possibility that the remote has become invisible. In which case, you need to buy an invisible item sensor and throw it in the general direction of where the remote ended up in the hope that they will collide without exploding.
• The remote has not discovered your darkest secrets and run away for some better couch potato. Everyone knows that remote controls cannot learn secrets. Only the TVs themselves can do that. You're not missing your TV, are you?
• The remote is not real. It never existed. Stand up and walk over to the telly, and push the buttons on it instead. That being said...
• By the time you find the remote (assuming that it is not invisible, or dead, or not dead...), you will most likely misplace your TV.
• The remote is smart.
• The remote is smarter than you.
• The remote will probably outsmart you.
• You are wasting your time. Go do something useful.
• The remote is finding you instead.

What to do (that is, assuming that the remote isn't invisible, which even if it were you wouldn't know it yet, so I don't know why I'm bothering to mention it) to find the remote

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1. Call up the remote's cell phone. Don't tell me you don't know your remote's cell number. I can't be held responsible for your mistakes. I mean, really! Not knowing your own remote's cell number? That's ridiculous, it's not even remotely excusable!
2. When it answers, hang up. Then call it again. (This doesn't do any good for you or the remote, by the way. I just want to see if you'll really do anything I say. Hee hee!)
3. Ask it where it is. Remote controls always lie, and very predictably at that. No matter where they say they are, they're always under the cushion on the right side of the couch.