Why?:Am I sinking in this sand?
Ah, a nice day for a walk. A walk down... hm... not the dark alley with suspicious figures, not the street with all the homeless men.... ah! I'll go take a walk down by that scary looking swamp! Actually, it isn't all that scary... it just looks like some creepy manfishes will jump out of the swamp at any second and eat me. Nothing to crap my pants about... only pee them.
It's quite sticky down here, isn't it? Yes, I would suppose so, swamps consist of mainly mud, water, and rotting fish carcasses, so of course it would be at least a little bit sticky around here. These trees are all rotten... perfect to build my cabin with! I should bring the boys out here and we could build a replacement for our current house, a dumpster! Check out the sweet lake! I mean, it may be brown, murky, and full of dead fish, but still, I could teach the kids how to swim. That would be great! And, even better, check out the wildlife! Snakes, alligators, piranhas, I mean this pace is like my own petting zoo!
Oh, look! Sand! Why, the kids would just love this! It's like living at a beach. Not only does this place creep me out, it has the material we need to build a new house and it's a prime piece of real estate! What a perfect place! I guess I should go over and take as eat in that sand, considering I haven't done that since the war. Ah, it's like being back at the beaches, so much fu-- wait a flippin' second! Now why in the world am I sinking in this sand!?
There better be a good explanation behind this, or I am going to have to call the bailiff!
Why am I even here?
Let's go back in the memory banks here... ah, yes. I came here on my daily walk. Wait a second, since when do I go on walks? That's my wife's job, she does all of the hard work around here. There is something not right here. Oh, I remember now, I went out to go to the store to buy myself some brochures so I could look for a job. The wife has been pushing me to do that for ages... too bad I forgot. I guess I just wandered off. You know what, you could blame this all on one person: that demon that possesses me on Wednesday.
Yes, he heard me right, every Thursday from 8-9 some demon comes up from hell, I think, and possesses my body. All the while I am still perfectly aware, and I think I'm controlling my body, but this demon is really doing all of it. He is the one who sent me down the path to this swamp. But I shouldn't blame him for that, I mean, just look at this place! A beautiful lake, great scenery, cool animals, I mean wow! This place is awesome. But I'm pretty sure he was the one who sent me to this little sand patch. I mean, who else would have? My smart, intelligent self, or some demon? Obviously the demon.
What is wrong with this sand?
So, now I know how I got here, but I've got another question here: what the hell is wrong with this sand? I mean, what kind of retard sand sucks you down to an imminent doom? Definitely not the sand in California, that sand has people playing volleyball all over it. And they definitely don't sink, cause I was watching them play. People don't even sink in the water at the beach!! They all float! There is something seriously wrong with this sand.
What could the problem possibly be? There is sand, and we are a t a swamp, where things get extremely wet no problem. So what, just because this sand is at a swamp doesn't mean that is has to be saturated. I mean, from far away it sure looked fine. I wonder what the problem could be. Maybe I should consult that iguana over there. Hey, mister iguana! Do you know what kind of trouble I am in here? Cause I don't I was wondering if you could help me out here. I definitely need. It. Hm. He doesn't seem to be talking. Oh, there is somebody walking by! Hey! Sir! Could you tell me what kind of sand I'm in, here?
QUICKSAND!?
O my god! You know what they say about quicksand! They say really really bad things! They say things worse than what they sa about the economy! I mean that is really bad! Now that I've learned this interesting and potentially life-threatening fact, I better start moving quickly and panicking, because everybody knows that is what you do to stop sinking in quicksand. Wait, now I am sinking quicker! My god! Now my pants are saturated from pee!
Ok, I should calm down now. I mean, I'm up to my waist in this sand, and I'm running out of options. However, before I decide to make an attempt at saving myself, I've decided the best thing to do is elaborate even more on the dangers of this situation, as well as screaming some more. So, if I don' make it out alive, I'll probably end up dead. Maybe. And if I'm dead, who will support the family? Well, my wife will, cause she's the only one who does anyway. I just sit on my fat ass and waste time doing nothing. Well, I guess I do something, I mean I at least make some carbon dioxide for the atmosphere. And I make my kids proud. I think. I don't really know. But know, the sand is at my belly button, so I think I need to take a course of action immediately.
I need to get out.
But I'm not sure how. I have one idea, and that idea is to grab onto something. Well, let's see if there's anything I can grab onto. Well, there's that tree over there, and it's about twenty feet away. Also, there's that stick, and it could be used as a grasp hold as I try to get out. It's about ten feet away. Are any of those within two feet, my maximum reach at this point? Well, it appears not. I need to find something else that could get me out of here.
Ah, I have an idea! I could Call for help! It's flippin' brilliant! I'm am so proud of myself for coming up with such a good idea. Man, I'm s smart. But then again, I didn't get past first grade. THat's because those teachers rigged everything. Teaching me all the hard stuff, like spelling. Well, I better get onto calling for help. Ahem. HHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!! AAANNNYYYOOONNNEEE!!!??? Damn! Nobody is actually coming to help me, they're all staring. But not at me, They're staring at those nude ladies running around the street. Damn. I guess we can take that one out of the plan.
But what else do I have to do? I'm afraid I am going to die.
I'll have to take it like a man.
But I don't deserve to die! I've been a good person! I haven't sinned! Well, unless you call killing other hobos for their booze a sin. But other than that, I've been a sin-free person! I deserve to go to heaven! Please, god! I don't want to die I want my mommy! Just DON'T LET ME DIE! Wait, a second, I don't even believe in god. What's with this heaven business? Have I been sleeping again? Dammit, I have! I slept last night, now I'm having delusions.
You know what? This isn't my fault, or even that demon's fault. This is gravities fault. Look, without gravity, we wouldn't be in any of this trouble right now! God! Stupid gravity! Why don't you just go jump off a cliff or something! I hate you! You should just go away so everyone can float and have fun. Go suck one, gravity.
Uh-oh, here comes the sand. Someone get me a smoke! I've never done that before. I wish I was out of the sand right now. Do you like cider? I like cider. Will someone please get me my socks? Thank yoouuuuuuuggghghghghgh!
Because I died.
I died?
Aw, shit!