Hardwick Fundlebuggy
“FEATURELESS! IT'S FEATURELESS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!”
Hardwick John Huffam Fundlebuggy, HMV QVC; pen-name "Da Wickster", was the foremost Irish writer of the 20th Century, as well as a vigorous social campaigner. Considered one of the English language's greatest writers, he was acclaimed for his rich storytelling and memorable articles on modern life, and has achieved massive worldwide popularity.
Early years
Born in Ireland, Hardwick spent much of his early life on the streets of Belfast campaigning for clowns' rights. When he was six, he moved to London to become a gentleman writer and soon found himself the apprentice of master lemur and quill expert Bill Bailey.
| Son, you shall go onto far greater things than I. I want you to take this pen and write with it so that future generations shall know the joys of reading. | ||
—Bill Bailey on his deathbed | ||
Tragedy, it's hard to care with no-one beside you, you're going nowhere[1]
The Internet was invented the day Bill Bailey died.[2]
| Tis a tragedic tale, that one held in such high regard as, erm, what's his name again? Oh yeah - Bill Barley never achieved greatness. It is however be fitting that his pupil, one Harry Fundlebuggy[3] should follow in his footsteps. Go, Master Fundlebuggy, make the world proud of Ireland! | ||
—Irish Prime Minister, 1987 | ||
And with that, Fundlebuggy moved to Romania to work as a circus midget.[4] He would resume his writing career in 1997 after much suffering at the hands of elephant nuts. It was to be a successful return for Fundlebuggy, his comeback novel 'Protect and Survive' reaching the top of the Gibraltarian book charts. But he was not satisfied: he wanted more, more!
After robbing the local Partners store for supplies and those fancy hole punchers, Fundlebuggy would begin work on his career-defining piece, 'Bouncy Castle'. It would take three years to complete but would catapult Fundlebuggy to Romanian stardom. He was asked to appear on Newsnight review shortly after, where he was grilled by Kirsty Wark. He would kill Jeremy Paxman shortly after recording of the show, ultimately earning him a place on the Queen's New Year honours list.
Apparition
Bill Bailey would return to Fundlebuggy in his dreams two years later, telling him to 'run the marathon' and 'boycott Snickers'. Despite not knowing what this was about having only been born in 1982, Fundlebuggy would single handedly bring about the downfall of Masterfoods Incorporated. He was hailed as a hero amongst skinny people, branded a menace by obese people.
Fundlebuggy made a brief visit to Norfolk in 1999 during which he accidentally ate the town hall, for which he was jailed for three months and a day. It was in Belmarsh that Fundlebuggy would meet the man who changed his life forever one day: Colonel Sanders. He quickly learned the ways of the fat people and became one of them himself. This was actually the very thing that saved his life: two weeks into his sentence he was shot in the gut but the bullet only punctured one of his stomachs.[6]
Fundlebuggy dropped the weight in minutes by eating some dynamite, though his intestines were never the same again. Upon his release he returned to Ireland, where he resides to this day.
Selected Bibliography
- Bouncy Castle, paperback, Reek publishing
- Protect and Survive, hardback, BBC publishing
- My Prison Journal, sexyback, Oxford
- Sesame Street: The Truth, hairyback, Potato Press
- The writing on the wall of the toilets at Paddington Station, brick, Bog Wall Communication
References
- ↑ Du duuu du du duh!
- ↑ But never mind that, because IT'S THE BEATLES!
- ↑ Fundlebuggy would only earn the right to use the 'Hardwick' name in 1994
- ↑ A feat made all the more remarkable by the fact he's only six foot five.
- ↑ Not pictured, this is in fact Hardwick's secret portal to prehistoric times.
- ↑ He in fact owned three stomachs; the one he was born with, one he acquired from becoming a fat person and a third he purchased from a cow.