IllogiNews:Fish exceeds speed of light
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HAAGEN-DAZ, French-Swiss Hinterlands -- Using a silly device called CERN,scientists with degrees in massage therapy endured a happy ending to their dumb experiment, the object of which was to accelerate a fish to near-light speed. World-renowned nuclear physicist and rapper DJ Fresh Quarks Three made the formidable announcement to the international scientific community, holding up a nondescript fish in his left hand and a burger in his mouth.
"Today, we smart guys have accomplished the unaccomplishable. Since Ghenghis Khan first observed the motions of the thingies in the heavens, man has sought to grasp the ultimate reality of reality. Using this big-assed particle accelerator, powered by demons and farts, we have succeeded in breaking the light barrier, propelling a fish both forward and backward in time."
Supposedly this is all backed up by some guy called Albert Einstein and the relational modeling theory. Cool people don't know about such things. Anyway, all this magic stuff resulted in the fish returning to a quantum state of Wisconsin.
The Russian Speznaz is performing a mopping-up operation in lieu of a proper gin and tonic. Travel through the immediate area is restricted and disgusted.