IllogiNews:News articles becoming anticlimactic

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

EARTH

A recent study of various news stations has revealed that news reports in newspapers, on television, on the radio, and on the internet are becoming increasingly poorly written, so that an increasing percentage of them end badly. By "end badly", scientists mean that news articles have become increasingly awkward, anticlimactic, and generally lame, especially towards the end. I mean, come on, no one even walks off happily into the sunset anymore!

"We're not quite sure why this is happening", says a lead journalist, "but news reports will start out interesting enough, then they'll just--die. Like they've just, run out of enthusiasm, or something along those lines. Now reporting horrific murder isn't fun anymore"

What effects this will have on the world are as of yet...unkown. Yeah they're, um...unkown, as in that, uh...nobody knows what will, uh..happen. Because of this. This, uh, thing. That is happening.

Yeah.

That's the, uh, end. Of this, um..news report.