The Taming of the Shrew
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Act 1
SCENE I. Padua. A public place.
- LUCENTIO sits before a miniature trapeze set, a see-saw, a merry-go-round, a ferris wheel and a tightrope. Two shrews wander about, sniffing and leaving droppings. LUCENTIO rises from his seat and spreads his arms wide in dramatic fashion.
- LUCENTIO
- Grasp thy paws firmly upon the tethered bars or aroint thee, foul rodents! I implore thee, try not my patience for I know the name of a skilled exterminator!
- The shrews show no indication of noticing him. LUCENTIO sinks back onto a stool, cradling his head in his hands. Enter PETRUCCIO.
- PETRUCCIO
- Whatchoo got there then?
- LUCENTIO
- Do thine own eyes not tell them to be mice?
- PETRUCCIO
- Blimey, they ain't no mouses, mate. The nose is too long, innit? And the feet. They's got five toes on each foot, don't they? Mouses got only four.
- LUCENTIO
- Indeed. And you are...?
- PETRUCCIO
- Name's Petruccio, mate. And if it's all the same to ya, we can drop the posh talk. Just came by the park to float a sausage to the seaside but remembered I didn't filch a bog roll. Seen any big leaves?
- LUCENTIO
- I fear I have not.
- PETRUCCIO
- A shame. But then it's me own fault for eating that cuzzer. Always gives me the squirts, it does... Shoulda used the khazi before they threw me out. So whatchoo doin' with them shrews anyway?
- LUCENTIO
- Taming them to perform at my command, good sir.
- PETRUCCIO
- You must be barmy, mate. Whachoo wanna do that for?
- LUCENTIO
- Well, to make money, of course.
- PETRUCCIO
- You're all over the gaff, you are. Arsing about. What choo need is an expert.
- LUCENTIO
- (with suspicion)
- Someone like yourself, for example...
- PETRUCCIO
- Right! Gimme a bit of dosh and a few minutes with 'em and Bob's your uncle.
- LUCENTIO
- (losing the posh talk completely)
- What a load of cack. Bugger off, dosser.
- PETRUCCIO
- Crickey So you ain't a cabbage after all. No really, mate. For a bit of crust methinks I can help. It's a doddle, it is.
- LUCENTIO
- Honestly?
- PETRUCCIO
- Dead cert.
- LUCENTIO
- Alright then.
- PETRUCCIO
- Cushty. First thing you should know is that some of these little buggers is poisonous, so we'd be best get 'em good 'n monged before we start.
- PETRUCCIO pulls out a flask of unknown contents and spills some between the shews, who imbibe heartily.
- PETRUCCIO
- Awright. That should get 'em mullered. Now... 'ow 'bout a ride on the ferris wheel. There we are.
- LUCENTIO
- Love a duck! I thought you were a nutter, but look! Yonder alligators.
- PETRUCCIO
- 'Ave some 'a that!
- THE SHREWS remain on the wheel, staring around as it spins. Until they vomit and lose consciousness.
- LUCENTIO
- Mullered, eh? On your bike, plonker!
- PETRUCCIO
- Oh keep your pecker up. I just spilled a bit much. Giveum a minute to come 'round and all'll be luvverly jubberly.
- (FADE TO BLACK)
Act 2
SCENE I. Interior. A veterinary waiting room.
- LUCENTIO
- Pardon me, but you did say “luvverly jubberly”...?
- PETRUCCIO
- Oh for God's sake, quit wanking on about it, they'll be just fine...
- A nurse appears, shakes her head, and exits.
- PETRUCCIO
- ...and even if they ain't, I'll know what to do next time.
- (to nurse) Oi! Can we have those to-go in a take-home box? Thanks, love.
- LUCENTIO
- Dare I ask what you want them for?
- PETRUCCIO
- (frowns)
- Best not to. Anyway, me mate can set us up with a 'nother pair of shrews dead cheap.
- LUCENTIO
- Shove off before I go spare.
- PETRUCCIO
- These ones is on me, squire. He owes me. So whatchoo wanna try next?
- LUCENTIO
- Magic? With a bit of sleight of hand I imagine I could make them disappear up your bottom.
- PETRUCCIO
- 'Avin' a go at me, are ya? Fine. I earned it. Get it out of your system then.
- LUCENTIO
- No, let's just get on with it. I'm running out of ideas and you're the "expert" as I recall.
- PETRUCCIO
- Right. Well, maybe we's aiming too high. Need something simple but impressive looking...
- LUCENTIO
- We could shoot them out of a cannon.
- PETRUCCIO
- Been done.
- LUCENTIO
- Ride a hot air balloon?
- PETRUCCIO
- Too pricey.
- LUCENTIO
- Fetch my slippers and newspaper?
- PETRUCCIO
- Smeghead.
- The nurse appears and hands a box to PETRUCCIO.
- LUCENTIO
- Right, well what do you suggest then?
- PETRUCCIO
- Come to think of it, easiest way to tame a shrew is with a newspaper. Rolled up. Piss-easy, it is.
- LUCENTIO
- Ah, so they can learn from punishment?
- PETRUCCIO
- Nah. Usually get beaten to death first. But they're good an' behaved afterward, bein' dead an' all.
- LUCENTIO
- Where are you going with this?
- PETRUCCIO smiles and indicates the take-out box.
- LUCENTIO
- Never!
- PETRUCCIO
- Oi! The punters will eat it up. With the right sauce and a low price, we're bettin' on a winnin' horse 'ere.
- LUCENTIO
- Never!
- PETRUCCIO
- C'mon. People don't see nothin', do they? Won't notice. They just want cheap eats.
- LUCENTIO
- Never.
- PETRUCCIO
- Think of the money. We'll get a second-hand cart. Meat's nearly free. Almost 100% profit.
- LUCENTIO
- Really?
- PETRUCCIO
- Dead cert. Shrews is everywhere. They grow themselves. We'll give it some poncey sounding name. Like "shawarma". No one knows what that stuff is, really.
- LUCENTIO holds his chin pensively, as a smile creeps across his lips.
- (FADE TO BLACK)
Act 3
SCENE I. Interior. Lucentio's house.
- LUCENTIO
- (sighs)
- 'Tis a shame we could not follow through with your "shawarma" idea. I so liked the sound of it. So exotic. We'd have been singular; innovators of the marketplace.
- PETRUCCIO
- (voice from another room)
- Sorry mate, but there's no sense in whinging on about it. Like I was sayin', they hangs that meat on a skewer, see? Too visible. The public is idiots, but even they could suss that. The police would do us in no time.
- LUCENTIO
- How's it coming along in there?
- PETRUCCIO
- Bees knees. Have a gander.
- PETRUCCIO enters with a large tray of sausages
- LUCENTIO
- They look lovely! Thou giveth fever.
- PETRUCCIO
- Ta. I filched some skins from the butcher to make 'em look all professional like.
- LUCENTIO
- Shall I get the cart ready?
- PETRUCCIO
- Meet you outside in five. Bring the mustard.
- LUCENTIO and PETRUCCIO smile at the audience, clasp arms, and bow deeply.
- (CURTAIN FALLS)