The Root of All Evil
The Root of All Evil is a popular tourist destination located at the head of the Persian Gulf, on the modern-day shoreline north of the original site of the Garden of Eden (now submerged under the Gulf waters).
Origin
"The Root", as it is colloquially known, was established in the year 277 Anno Mundi, or thereabouts. No one really bothers to write these things down, the failure rate of new businesses being what they are in a competitive marketplace—particularly in the entertainment and accomodation industry.
Whenever it was, it was at about the time that Adam had had just enough time to start up a family, become disillusioned with his life, and wonder if the whole apple thing was really worth a one way ticket to exile in Newark, Iran. And for that matter, what the hell was Eve thinking? Maybe it would be a good time to disappear with that attractive countergirl down at the fig shop and start a new career selling low-mileage, previously owned camels. Or perhaps not. Just who the hell is this God guy, and where does he get off sending his own creation, made in his own image, packing? "Sure, Adam, have the gift of free will, but don't use it". Some gift.
Editor's note: Actually, it might have been closer to 278 AM, the male propensity for brooding, wound-licking, and grudge-carrying being what it is.
In any event, Adam, Evelyn ("Don't call me Eve, alright? Makes me feel like I'm 8 years old!"), and their two kids Frank and Stella, jumped into their goat-powered sport/utility pull cart to return to the land from which they'd been banished, with only an axe and a plan to guide them. And, many a round of I-Spy to pass the time.
- Stella: I spy... with my little eye, something that is... beige.
- Frank: Hmmm... Is it... sand?
- Stella: Good one! Your turn.
- Frank: I spy, with my little eye, something... that is... granular.
- Stella: Granular?
- Frank: Grainy.
- Stella: Granular. Pah. A totally unbelievable word for a kid to use. Who writes the dialogue for these bits? I mean is this by a bad writer, or a wannabe good writer who uses interesting words even when they are completely inappropriate to the character's vernacular?
- Frank: Vernacular? Now who's using totally unbelievable words?
- Stella: Shut up. Are we still playing or what?
- Frank: It's your guess, hamster brain.
- Stella: MOM! Frank called me a hamster brain!
- Frank: She's not playing nice, mom!
- Stella: Fine! It's grainy. Is it... sand?
- Frank: MOM! Stella's cheating!
- Stella: I am not. And it's my turn, so quit blubbering. I spy, with my little eye.... something... that starts... with "S".
Construction
Anyway, The Root of All Evil resort takes its name from the Tree of Knowledge which bore the fruit that gave humankind the knowledge of evil, and ultimately led to banishment from the Garden of Eden.
Adam, having had plenty of time to mull over his future prospects and wrestle with the quandary of existentialism vs. determinism, decided upon a pragmatic solution based on financial considerations, legal risk, and feasibility.
In the end, it made more sense to have a go at the tree, rather than pick a fight with an omniscient, omnipresent, non-corporeal entity.
For that matter, his odds weren't much better against Evelyn, where he stood to end up in divorce court and lose custody of the kids, but still have to pay 30 shekels a year for spouse and child support while Evelyn continued to play on the side with the livestock boy. Though she'd long been a pain in his side, the ribbing he'd receive after being gutted in a court of law was more than he could imagine stomaching. Plus, as much as he'd entertained the idea of cleaving her in twain with the axe many a time before, he still yearned for her fruit, spoiled though it was.
So, upon arriving back in the land from which he'd been banished, Adam cut the Tree of Knowledge down to its cursed roots, for use as the raw building materials to construct the resort which now bears its name.
And God saw what Adam had created, and saw that it was good. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth Adirondack chairs and Chaise Lounges." And God bade them to go forth and multiply. And it was so.
And God was pleased.
And God created umbrellas, serving trays, end tables, straw hats, flip-flops, and every delight imaginable to sate the desires of every living creature that moveth, and God looked upon what he had done, and saw that it was good.
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made. And he ordered a Shirley Temple, and partook in its refreshing purity. And it was good.
And God was pleased.
Reviews
The Holy Bible, the definitive travel guide of the ancient world, described The Root of All Evil thusly:
- "And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden ... And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads ... And from the heads were borne many attractive and well-maintained pools for luxurious privacy bathing, a complimentary ice cube dispenser, and a spectacular waterslide and splash park guaranteed to delight children of all ages." (Genesis 2:8-14)
Accomodations & Amenities
The Root of All Evil is open year-round and features:
- 46 luxury huts and 34 economy hovels .
- Unlimited breakfast buffet featuring pita bread, labneh, olive oil and za'atar dip, boiled eggs, olives, cheese and beans.
- No TVs in any room. Television is the voice of Satan.
- In-room designated floor sleeping areas for both sexes separated by a high-tensile privacy curtain.
- Unlimited local calls[1]
- Unlimited long distance calls[2]
- Herds of goats (19 and under) stay free[3]
Our spectacular resort grounds also feature:
- An All-you-can-breathe™ Fresh Air Buffet.
- A 12 million square foot beach.
- Hovel-to-shore shuttle service.
- A gigantic outdoor pool.
- Unlimited outdoor tanning beds (Note: Women must remain covered at all times).
Sights & Souvenirs
Scuba diving expeditions to the original underwater site of the Tree of Knowledge are conducted daily by appointment only. Guests are permitted to marvel at the remaining mineral-petrified root structure for up to 5 fun-filled minutes. No shovels, scavenging, or flash photography is permitted, lest thou wish to part with thy right hand. Scuba gear rental cost is included in the expedition price.•
- • Tank oxygen not included, and available for a nomimal charge. Tank filling cost, transportation and handling charges, environmental levies, taxes, wear and tear expenses, depreciation, contingency fees, usage charge, non-usage penalties, insurance, drop off and restocking charge, disposal fee for unused portions, commission, finder's fee, and other miscellaneous and unspecified expenses and surcharges are not included (and extra).
Those wishing to purchase souvenir pieces of The Root of All Evil are invited to visit The Root of All Evil Gift Shoppe. Attractive pendants, broaches, and rings featuring genuine root fragments direct from the archaeological dig are now available in limited quanitites, for a limited time only, so buy today, don't delay.[4] Be the envy of all your friends.[5]
Booking
To avoid disappointment, particularly during heavy tourist season (Saturdays), please book your vacation 6-8 hours in advance of your anticipated arrival time. A major credit card is required to secure your room. Please note our acceptance policy below.
| Card type | Accepted? | Notes |
| Visa | No | Sadly, "It's everywhere you want to be" was just a marketing slogan. |
| Mastercard | Nyet | While our vacations aren't priceless, a booking here doesn't fall under the "everything else" category that the card promises to pay for. |
| American Express | Nein | Leave home without it. |
| Discover | Yes | Finally, you've discovered what this card is actually useful for. |
For more information, please contact:
Ali "Call me Al" Qaeda
Suite 602
No.75 Rah Sheitan
IR- 136 66 Shahr Naw
Tehran, Iran
Phone: (+98-021) 88846650-1
References
- ↑ For best results, cup hands on either side of the mouth and take a deep breath.
- ↑ Out of consideration for other guests, no yelling is permitted after 10:00 PM.
- ↑ Extra fee for clean up required. Guests are responsible for the replacement of eaten furniture.
- ↑ Any perceived similarity in appearance between the root fragments and cheap bits of coral available anywhere for practically nothing is the result of your own ignorance and inability to distinguish priceless biblical treasure from common sea snot. Caveat emptor. No refunds. In store credit only.
- ↑ Hubris is a sin punishable by the wrath of God, and eternal damnation in hellfire. Please gloat responsibly.