Why the walrus?
No, it's not a documentary. It's a story about life and death, what makes us human, and how we can be a better person.
Well, somehow it is.
It is a story so powerful, so life-changing, and so complex, that children won't get it.
Chapter 1
Why the walrus looked at his watch and said "TIME FOR DINNER!". Suddenly he heard a scraping noise against his window. He gasped, "I HAVE A WINDOW???". Anyway, the scraping noise was from something scraping and he gleered over the side of the door!!! It was a...
Child:"'A.....a....what?"'
Me:"Wait, child. I have yet to begin reading again. People need to breathe, you know?"
Chapter 2
Why the walrus looked around the door and the scraping noise was coming from a scraper!!!
"A SCRAPER???" he shouted.
For it was not a scraper, but a flying scraper. Why the walrus quickly grabbed it and started scraping his foot.
"This feels so scrape-y" he said....
"Uh....how can something feel scrape-y"?
"It can. You have to believe."
"That makes no se-"
'"And now to continue!"
Chapter 3
It felt so good that Why the walrus went into a deep sleep.
A very deep deep sleep. Oh so deep, that he never woke up again.
THE END.
NOT REALLY.
"But....i wanted it to end. It sucked so much!"
"Hush, child. I haven't finished."
Chapter 4
Why the walrus woke up from his never ending sleep into a never ending waking up. And it was because of the coffee. "I HAVE A COFFEE?" he gasped.
Walruses cannot gasp, he thought.
"I HAVE A COFFEEEEE?" he walrused. He looked at the table.
He had coffee.
"If he was never ending waking up, how could he be drinking coffee?"
"Um...yeaaah. Let me finish."
Chapter 5
Why the walrus touched the coffee. I meant too-shay, as in fencing too-shay, for he had a fencing sword. He cut the coffee mug, and coffee spilled all over his foot.
YOWWEEEE!!!
But then he realized that WEEEE!!! was not in his home and he could not say YO to WEEEE!!!
He was disappointed...
"Um...dad....this story makes no sense."
"....Your point?"
"Uh....i still don't get what this has to do with life and death."
Chapter 6
Why the Walrus was late for work. What work, he didn't know, and for all he knew, he didn't have no job. Anyway, he was late for nothing. ALL FOR NOTHING. That equals zero.
He learnt math. Math was so happy, that it made him feel un-homeless, and smart.
I mean "SMIRT". Because that's how walruses pronounce it.
I feel smirt today, he said on his t-shirt. He walrused, "T-SHIRTS CAN SAID??"
The t-shirt can said, said the t-shirt. Why the walrus started going into a fit
"THISMAKESNOSENSETHISMAKESNOSENSETHISMAKESNOSENSE".
And no sense, did it make. Now it was time for dinner.
"DAADDD! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!"
"How? It makes perfect sense to me."
"You have no sense!"
"Oh? That explains why I fell out of the car."
"You did?"
"I DID?????"'
Chapter 7
Why the walrus was strange. He had been seeing people again.
Or was he being stalked by his grandmother??? He looked behind him.
Only a window...."I HAVE A WINDO...oh wait. I doooo!"
He felt happy. Suddenly his window exploded.
"AAAAH! FLYING WHITE SHARP THINGS!" he shouted.
"I'm going to sleep now. This story sucks."
"Yes. You do that."
Chapter 8
Why the walrus was stabbed consistently. So much that he died.
FOR REAL.
"THE END."