Cell
A Cell is the basic unit of all living organisms, the smallest thing that can sustain life, and is the smallest thing classified as living, with many different parts within the complicated cell, which are called the organelles. Oh yeah, and it's also a tightly compacted room with cold steel bars separating me from the outside world. Cells can also be harnessed to create cell phones. They are very small phones that big cigar smoking wardens carry around in their pockets, to call their lackeys and schedule execution times.
Different types of Cells.
Cells come in two major parts, Eukaryotic and Prokaryotic. A Eukaryote is more complicated, like a high security prison, with its fancy technical alarms and a guard to watch over someone, and Prokaryotes are much less complicated, with barely any organelles, like a juvenile prison. Eukaryotes are separated into two groups, Plant cells and Animal cells. As the name implies, Animal cells are in animals, and plants in plants. What, you didn't know that? Bitch! Go back to school! *cough* Eherm. You heard nothing. MY body is made up of Animal cells, and I'm guessing yours are too, unless you're a plant - or bacteria. I wish I were a plant. Then I could carry out photosynthesis, which seems like fun. I've always wanted to turn water and carbon dioxide into sugar and oxygen. Then the wardens would have to water me and love me and - never mind.
Parts of the Cell
Everything inside the cell is held within the cytoplasm. The cytoplasm is a gelatin-like fluid, like the the crap they feed you in a prison, disgusting. The "brain" of the cell is called the Nucleus. It contains a lot of information and blabblity blah blah blah. This blabblity blah blah blah, is used to control the many other parts, like the Mitochondria which makes energy (though often slacks off, like that lawyer...) the vacuole, which stores shit, the endoplasmic blablityblah, and your mom.
Another important part of the cell is the Steel Bars, also know as the cell membrane. The steel bars let some things in, such as new toilet paper, but not some things, like freedom. As such, steel bars are pretty stupid, unless you can somehow tame it to let the right things in, such as a blowtorch. Besides letting things in, they also let things out, like all of my hopes and dreams. However, you'd have to be some kind of fucking genius to tame it to let the right stuff out like a person. However, if you want them to let the white stuff out, that's easy. A much bigger problem is getting it in. We will be united soon, white powdery goodness... YOU HEARD NOTHING.
"Special" Cells
To fit and expand an organism's needs and functions, cell parts often need to be "specialized". No, this does not mean that they need to be in special ed. A brain cell is a perfect example, a brain cell can be thrust into any hole that is a biology book. The so-called "stupidization" of brain cells (or lack thereof) can cause the down fall of an entire organism, as they are essential for life, and for me, as it fuels my deliciously crafty mind...
Nearly all cells in an organism are specialized for different needs, and contain different necessities. If the necessities escape the cell, than they get "hanged". At least that's what a parole officer told me. He was nice. He told me how babies are made. That reminds me, that also involves cells. Sperm cells are specialized for the creation of life. Those bloody dicks, squirting them out like THEY ARE ALL JUST SO REPLACEABLE! EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! WHY DID MY FATHER KNOCK MY MOM UP?!? WHY? BLOODY SPERM CELLS! AGHHH!!!!!
Cell Phones
Contrary to what everybody else tells you, a cell phone is in fact powered by cells. The nucleus and all it's blablittyblah controls the outer blablittyblahser, which sparks the blabitablab to power the blab and receive the signal from the blab. Blab blab. The wardens have tried to keep it a secret, but they can't keep it forever. I've seen them. The cells... THEY ARE IN THE PHONE. I REPEAT. THE CELLS ARE IN THE PHONE. Or should I say, the phone is in the cell? You didn't hear that. That is all.
Cell Sexuality
Cells are known for their rampant sexuality. Traditionally, Cell marriage has been "One Prokaryote + One Eukaryote". However, gay cell activists have been fighting for Gay cell rights. However, they are gay, and it's stupid to let gay people have gay orgies and gay love making, even if they are extremely gay and tiny and have a mitochondria that doesn't produce enough energy for gay sex, and the gay nucleus which is even tinier and contains no information on cell intercourse.
However, not all cells are the marrying kind. The horny little Paramecium, for example, sleeps with any cell it wants at any time, just to get a few kicks and giggles. The cells of an onion root are known for being blatant rapists that won't take 'no' for an answer, spreading mayhem and STDs wherever they go, only marrying if to get a good shot at another victim. Photosynthesis, photosynthesis...
How do cells have sex, you ask? Well it's a very complicated process, and it all starts in the mitochondria...
First, the mitochondria produce sexual energy, which causes a cell to be attracted to another cell. Then, the sexual energy is transported through the vesicle to the nucleus. Then, when a cell meets another cell that it is attracted to, the mitochondria make more and more sexual energy. Eventually, the sex energy fills up the cells, and drives the other organelles to the outer side of the cell. This gives the illusion that a cell is getting bigger, but it is just a cell erection. Now, on to the good parts. The cell sticks the most erect part of its body into the other cell's membrane, letting out the sexual energy (which is white in color) and flows it into the other cell. This makes a sickly disgusting odor. They both turn white due to the energy, and begin to mash themselves into each other, exchanging organelles. The more they do this, the worse the stink becomes. Eventually, the cells begin to grow due to the abundance of sexual energy, and the scent becomes so unbearable that you would throw up if you caught a whiff of it. They then rub against each other violently, and turn from white to a sickly green, red, and orange combination. This continues, until eventually one cell's erection gets so big that it breaks in half to form another cell. The rest of the sexual energy then leaks out and its surroundings are covered in white, gooey liquid.
And that was the least intimate form of cell sex. Don't let those scientists tell you about mitosis. It's actually just a clever plot brought about by gnomes to confuse and dilute us into believing that cells don't have sex, after all, nobody wants to be alive if they can't have sex. What does this mean, you ask? It means the cells that make up your body might be having sex at this very moment, if you know what I mean. So, stop bitching that you're still a virgin, because the cells that make up your body aren't.
Cell Porn
Cell sexuality has been taken advantage of, much like human sexuality. As such, the Cell porn industry has blossomed, and remains popular amongst humans and cells alike. Cell porn has been made readily available through several Pay-per view networks to all multi-cellular organisms, but unicellular organisms can only watch each other have sex. Creepy, ain't it? Ooooh but so AROUSING! Anyway, if you want to watch cell porn, just buy a light microscope (or "porno-scopes") put a slide under the microscope, and enjoy!