Cut-Away Cornmeal
| The Popcorn Series |
Book One • Book Two • Book Three • Book Four (Alternative ending) |
DO NOT READ unless you have read Freeze frame popcorn and Stop motion Cob'a Corn And don't forget to read the alternative ending to this trilogy: Ted on a quest for corn peace
The beginning... of the end. And by end I mean last part of the trilogy
A black SUV pulled up to The Nuke'em Tech Nuclear Waste Facility. The sun cast a shadow of a man, roughly the age of forty six, getting out of the vehicle. With a calm expression the man walked into the heart of the facility and stopped. He looked down at his watch, 1:32 pm. Next he looked at the shiny metal case, clenched in his right hand. "Where is he?" he said to himself. The man had a scheduled appointment here and was going to sell the ultimate film script. It was a composite of action, adventure, comedy, fantasy, science fiction, and thriller genres. The script had been written over the course of 37 minutes and was priced at $1,00000000000.0000 billion dollars. He checked his watch again: 1:35.
"He's late." murmured the man. Suddenly a fat man ran past him, followed by a corn stalk. The two had a deathmatch among the nuclear vats and the corn stalk fell in. The fat man dove head first after the corn. Baffled, the man walked over to the edge of the vat just as Peter Jackson exploded as he plunged into the waste. Meanwhile a black van parked outside The Nuk'em Tech facility. As an eager looking man stepped out with a handful of cash the plant exploded. The man ducked under a chicken, who laid an egg right in his ear. Protected by the chicken the man survived the nuclear explosion, while 500 other people started dissolving. Punting the chicken out the nearest five story apartment, the man discovered a crisp metal case, It had a faded sticker on it which read: SECRET FILM SCRIPT. "Oh my gosh!" the man screamed. He walked over to a blob of corn meal, dropping the case on the ground. "Oh boy! I love corn meal!" he said. Suddenly Ted got up and looked around. He saw a huge crater and green slime all over the place. Then he saw a man with an unusual big smile on his face. "Who the heck are you?" said Ted.
The man shrieked and ran off. "Aw well! Some people just don't like corn meal." said Ted as he made his way over to wear the man had run. Dan Steve hid behind a streetlamp. He had just had an encounter with a weird talking blob of corn meal! As the corn meal approached Dan backed into a metal spear and was killed instantly. "Oh my gosh!" he thought. "I'm dead!". And so he was. On his way to the man he had scared away, Ted tripped over a metal box. "Hmm? What's this" he said. Opening the box Ted found a soccer ball, which he ate. After he consumed the ball he came across a pile of paper. "Oh my gosh!" Ted exclaimed as he held up the ultimate film script. And because he was a director Ted took the script and decided to use it to make his blockbuster hit: REVENGE OF THE CORN.
A script to die for
After reading the script over and over again, he decided to hire some actors. The Movie would be about a Pumpkin named Hen. This pumpkin was a conductor of a train that crashed in the ocean. The train was filled with air at the bottom of the sea, and eventually the passengers began to starve. This story was about the struggles of hen trying not to get eaten. At the end, a cornstalk would come and rescue them. Hence the name, Revenge Of the Corn. For the star of the film, Ted hired Peanut Mulch. But little did O'op Ted Yuyipoytoretellyrethoo know that Mr. Mulch was actually Steven Spielberg in disguise, one of Ted's Worst Enemies!
White Stream Incorporated
Meanwhile at White Stream Incorporated HQ the board of directors was discussing their latest find. They had recently discovered that a blob of corn meal had employed a script to make a movie, Revenge of The Corn. "I have heard about this script." said the CEO. "It is legendary, quite marvelous.". The board simply made whispering sounds in each others' ear. One of the board members, Luigi Mafleuy stood. "I believe, that if this is such a legendary and marvelous script that we should inquire to become this corn meal's production company." he stated. The others started to eat some cheese, for the dramatic effect. "Fine." said the CEO. "Get me his background check. I want everything. Name, family, schools, degrees, films, enemies, everything you can get on this corn meal!!!".
Theodore O'oop Yuyipoytoretellyrethoo
The CEO sat in his big leather chair. In his big spacious office, with the perfect view of the city. A golden name plate rested on the center of his desk, reading MR.GOOLOP, CEO OF WHITE STREAM INC. A knock came from the door and he threw a peach at it in response. Accepting his welcome, a small man walked in and handed Goolop a manilla floder filled with paperwork. On the outside in big red print it read: OFFICIAL BACKGROUND CHECK OF Theodore O'oop Yuyipoytoretellyrethoo. "You may leave." Goolop said. Casually he opened the folder and took out a paper. "Hmm. Let's see name Theodore O'oop Yuyipoytoretellyrethoo, species corn meal, directed various films, rivals are Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg, borhter named Herb, blah blah, blabla, balhlabla." he said. "Very insteresting." Goolop thought. Goolop concluded this Ted boy was a fine director, even though he only read the first page of the folder packet.
Take One, Revenge of The Corn
Ted snapped his director board and said "Action!". The camera men started filming. It was a peacful moring, and Hen the pumpkin was making her usual stops on her train. She picked up passengers here and there cheerfully throwing cats at the hobos on the streets. "Cut!" yelled Ted. "Nonon! You were supposed to chuck rhinos at the hobos not cats! Try again.". And so this time Hen chucked rhinos at all the hobos she saw. As a fight erupted in the back of the train, Hen left the wheel to spray the fighters with a hose. When she returned she had realized that she had not stopped the train and they were now heading towards a cliff.
"Oh my!" said Hen. She swallowed her iPod in frustration. Hen choked because an awful song started to play. The train ran off a cliff and plunged into the sea. "Cut!" Ted yelled. "Look Hen. You have to be a man now. All the sentences above this say "her" while bellow it says "he". It don't make sense. Readers! Just look in the next chapter and you'll see it says he! The readers might die of confusion! So I declare spontaneous pumpkin gender change!". And so Hen was changed into a guy. As the film continued Ted became instantly aware that a man in a business suit was watching him. He feared it was some blood thirsty lawyer, after his script. Ted slipped into the bathroom to try to find out what was going on.
Take Two, SABOTAGE!!!
Peanut Mulch, seeing that Ted had departed to use the toilet saw his chance to reck Ted's film. Mulch was Steven Spielberg in disguise, as we all know. Mulch farted in the train as it was sitting at the bottom of the sea. Now the whole train smelled like maple leaves and the passengers grew to hate "Hen". Starvation soon set in and the passengers would rather eat Hen the pumpkin because they hated him so much. Hen hid in the closet, wear he stored two rocket launcher, a machine gun, and his orange collection. Fearing for his life Hen took his box of oranges and threw them at the passengers. Mulch who was the actor who played Hen took two separate oranges and threw them at the cameras, ruining the film reel. Mulch stuck a bomb on the floor of the set and rode away on a tricycle.
Consulting the bathroom genie
Ted rushed into the bathroom. He knew that the all knowing bathroom genie could tell him what the heck was going on. But the genie called for a price. Ted went to the fourth stall and closed the door. He put up the seat and said, "Oh mighty bathroom genie! Come to me now!". Out of the toilet came a mystic cloud of fog. When the fog cleared Peter Jackson stood in the toilet. "Oh my god!" Ted screamed. Ted had thought that Peter was dead. After all he exploded. And now this?!? How could Peter be the bathroom genie? He wouldn't answer Ted's question, he'd just eat him.
"Oh crap. How do I get out of this?" thought Ted. A voice appeared in Ted's mind. "Use the force Ted.". "What?" thought Ted. The voice said again: "Use the force Ted. It is quite strong within you. USE THE FORCE!". And so Ted tried with all his might to use the force, but only suceeded to crap himself. Peter, determined to eat Ted choked at the smell of Ted "droppings". Seizing the opportunity to escape, Ted ran out the door.
Goolop's offer
Mr.Goolop approached Ted as he sprinted out of the bathroom. "Hello, Ted." he said. Ted greeted him and asked who he was. "I'm Mr.Goolop, CEO of White Stream Inc. I was wondering if my company could be your production company? I have personally reviewed your background." "Oh no!" Ted thought. If he had checked his background he might have found out about that thing a few years back. Ted remembered the incident very clearly. He was at a party with his friends and had peed in the punch bowl.
But corn pee is a very powerful thing. It has twice the more power than human pee. All the guests drunk the punch. All the guests died. Ted left the scene before the cops arrived so there was no proof that he had killed all those people. As Ted came back to reality he realized that Goolop was screaming. All he could make out was "Ted...-fire!-bomb-everybody-dead-Ted-AHH..!". Ted got up. His movie set was completely destroyed. All this actors were dead and Mr. Mulch was nowhere to be seen. "What happened?" he asked anyone who would listen. Goolop said that there was a bomb and that Mr. Mulch who was actually Steven Spielberg had sabotaged Ted's film and had ruined the shot footage. "Holy crap!" cried Ted. Goolop was now uninterested in White Stream Inc. being Ted's production company. All of Ted's work was destroyed. He left in a black limo, drinking pickle juice.
The Discovery
Ted was a wreck. "Why?!" he screamed to the heavens. All his hard work and dreams! All gone! He had devised the ultimate movie! Well actually he had not, since he found the script. THE SCRIPT! Ted ran to the gym locker that he kept the script in. The locker door had a big dent in the handle and the lock was broke off. Ted opened the locker revealing a pile of bananas, which fell on Ted. Ted climbed his way to the top of the pile and looked into his locker. It was empty, except for a note! Ted scrambled into the locker and read the note. It said: "Hi this is Mr. Peanut Mulch. But I'm really Steven Spielberg! I sabotaged your film and stole your precious script. I am using it for my movie!!! Sucker! --Steven Spielberg". Ted tore the note up. He was mad. Really mad. He was going to find Spielberg. Oh yes, and he was ging to get his script. And and then, he was gonna hit him over the head with a popsicle. "Oh yeah!" thought Ted.
The Hunt For Steven Spielberg
Ted put on a pair of slick shades. He replaced his smile with a expressionless frown. He tucked his trusty Popsicle in it's hostler. He got out his motorcycle. He was going to hunt Spielberg down. Ted sped off, down the road. He ran several red lights and killed four people. Ted jumped some sick ramps and was going about 120 mph in a 20 zone. He could smell his script was near. Ted rode his motorcycle through a plate glass window holding his mighty Popsicle high in the air! He was in a daycare center, and a child's head was firmly wedged under his wheel. "Ummmm.....sorry. Wrong address." he said as he pulled the child's bloody remains out from under his bike. Once again, Ted rode his motorcycle through a plate glass window holding his mighty Popsicle high in the air! This time he was in Steven Spielberg's movie set. "AHA!" he yelled. Ted stepped off his bike and charged at Steven. Out of nowhere Peter Jackson stood in front of Steven. "Whaa?" Ted said. "Hahah1" yelled Peter. "Me and Steven have teamed up! We are gonna steal your movie! And then I'm gonna eat ya!".
The Force
"Oh crap! What am I gonna do?!" thought Ted. Just then a voice appeared in his mind. It was the same voice from before. "Use the force Ted!" it chanted. "But how? I tried once and failed!" said Ted. "Try again, Ted. I will guide you this time." "Ok." thought Ted. The voice's power flowed into him. Ted could feel the force! And so could Peter Jakson, as another voice had instructed him in the Dark side of the force.
Deathmatch Ultima
Ted harnessed his great power. He transfered it all into his mighty popsicle. Peter transfered his power into an electric pencil sharpener. Ted charged with all his might as Peter shot a super laser from the sharpener. Ted matched it with his popsicle and Peter knew he needed a melee weapon. So Peter withdrew his power from the sharpener and transfered it into a stick of butter. Ted and Peter clashed blades. Popsicle and butter. Steven Spielberg started to film this battle for his new film: Deathmatch Ultima. He threw out the ultimate script as the deathmatch was far more awesome to him. Ted managed to strike Peter with a blow to the knee but Peter returned the favor with a swing of his butter stick. Ted was badly injured now. Everyone knew that corn meal was vunerable to butter. Peter Jackson knew this too. Ted remembered how his pee had killed all those people. Then he had an idea. Ted threw down his blade. He let Peter Jackson eat him whole, once again. Steven Spielberg thought it was a great ending and won a Grammy for the film.
Ted's Plan
Once inside of Peter, Ted put his plan to action. He unleashed a river of pee right into Peter's tasting gland. Ted knew his plan had failed since all Peter did was barf him up. Now Peter and Steven were angry. They were gonna have a real deathmatch now. They thought they had won before but now Ted was back. The battle had begun.
The final Duel
Sure, Ted had had amazing epic duels in the past... Like the one with The giant Qs or that time when he had to kill Peter Jackson, but obviously that didn't work... Did it? But none of those epic fights could compare to the one that would soon happen... As Ted raised his popsicle to slay the villains Peter swung around and knocked over Ted with his flabs. Ted lost his popsicle from the impact. Just then Steven Spielberg came and kicked Ted several times before whipping out a pistol and as he was about to pull the trigger, Ted leaped forwards and tackled Spielberg. Then, Ted punched Steven's face until Ted's hands were stained red... From Kool-Aid that Spielberg vomited on Ted. Ew. Ted then was pulled away by Brad Pitt who was playing Hen in the movie. But out of no where came HERB! Herb smacked Brad Pitt with a baseball bat and knocked his head off. Blood filled the room. "Where have you been Herb?" Ted asked while dodging Spielberg's blows. He replied, "I has been Lodged IN HIS REAR STILL!" Then I'ik appeared and did a dance. Somehow he was still alive and was playing Angry Passenger #3 in the film, he just had a cameo appearance then left. So then Peter Jackson emerged from the corner and surrounded Ted in the corner. Ted was now laying on the ground, saying his prayers and begging for mercy. Just then, out of the corner of his eye, Ted noticed the popsicle barely out of reach. "Oh ya," he thought, "I can change my shape!" So Ted made his arm longer, grasped the posicle and gouged Peter's eyes out with it. As Peter was on the ground Ted dug the end of the popsicle stick into his brains. Hopefully that would kill him. Then Steven Spielberg came and kicked Ted in the knees. It didn't hurt. Then Ted shoved Spielberg into a giant hole that appeared from the ground. It was endless fortunately. So that was the end of the enemies.... probably. So then Ted and Herb forgot their differences and walked away. With Brad Pitt's headless body following....
Summary of The Events that Followed These events
A few days later Ted found his beloved script. He finaly made Revenge of The Corn. Herb decided to play Hen and was great. The movie was a big hit, selling over a million copies worldwide. Peter Jackson did not die from the popsicle, although he suffered memory loss. Peter forgot all about Ted and continued making movies. Steven Spielberg eventually hit the bottom of the hole, but he was already dead as he starved while falling. Frog returned from what we all thought was the dead. But actually his stunt double got hit by that car. Frog went on to be a leading protestor in disecting frogs. White Stream Inc. became Ted's company, as Goolop had mysteriously died in a popsicle related accident. Ted became the CEO and ruled White Stream for many many years and made many more movies.