Nick Clegg
Judas Clegg, leader of the once 'Liberal' Democrats and handpuppet of David Cameron is a professional traitor and two-faced slimy git. Mr Clegg's political history is pretty much summed in the phrase "get famous, fuck up, sell out." As the MP for the posh bit of Sheffield he has continued to do absolutely nothing apart from receiving a stupid amount of votes in his area for being a 'local lad'. Despite his ties with South Yorkshire he is actually a Buckinghamshirian educated at Westminster Private and therefore a Tory at heart (shudder).
Personal Life
Not much is known about this man, mainly because nobody bothers to ask.
What is knownst is that in the exciting year 2000, Nick Married some (also) liberal Spanish whore. Since then they have had 3 children, who have been brought up to be as notable as daddy. Unlike most Spanish spouses, this unpronounceable Spanish woman is granted freedom from the Kitchen 24/7. Nick scrapped his earlier plans to make his 'Woman Policy' a Liberal Democrat policy, due to lack of interest from anyone but his children.
Nick is an Athiest, following an argument with god over a lost tennis racket. Clegg is still fuming to this day, filing a lawsuit annually against god for £500k in compensation and a replacement racket. Recently he requested the inclusion a stolen bouncy ball of his childhood to the compensation claims.
Rise to notability
In the lead up to the 2010 general election, the British public realised there was still a three - party system. Due to the fact that neither of the other two candidates are in favour with anybody at the minute, he started to gain popularity and a new campaign was born. Within days billboards had sprung up almost everywhere proclaiming his rise to power, most of them depicting the Prime Minister hopeful punching a dead badger. Inspiring though they were, the choice to erect the billboards upside down and backwards so that only the name of the billboard company and a large graffitied penis were visible had a less than expected impact on the electorate. Downhearted and his hand now throbbing with tetanus, Clegg led his entourage into Vince Cable to regroup.
A 6000 strong crowd of Lib Dem supporters soon gathered outside of Vince Cable, waiting with baited breath for their leader to emerge. Finally, after a tense three day wait Nick Clegg clambered out of an ear, followed by his party and holding part of Vince's kidney aloft in the air. The crowd cheered with delight. Thus, somehow, the idea of the leadership debates came to be.
The Leadership Debates
Sat between Gordbot and Dave Cameramanlookatme, Nick felt rather smug with himself. The leadership debates had been a stroke of genius, and one that he'd have to thank Vince Cable's pancreas for personally. As he sat deep within the Deputy leader, chewing the end of what he hoped was a pen, an idea had hit him, an idea in the form of a glycogen bubble that had escaped from the main pancreas area and burst violently in his face. That was just it, he had a face! When put next to the other party leaders, who instead of faces had demented plastic balloons with mouth holes, the public would notice the stark difference and the election would be won. It was genius!
The debates took place over maybe a couple of weeks, each leader presenting their views of how they'd run the country in a slightly different way to the others while the other two talked over them and attempted to elbow them out of the way. Soon the umpire's flag fell and the hand picked audience of kidney's were left alone in a room to make up their mind about who they thought had won. Nick, scared of the wrath the tabloids would extend upon him should he lose, quickly shouted that he'd lower import tax on urea as the door swung shut behind the retreating kidneys; the other two furious they hadn't been quick enough to think of the idea themselves. The minutes spent waiting slowly lengthened into hours, and then slower still into days. Eventually someone was sent in to check on the kidneys. Upon opening the door the scout was shocked to find that they'd somehow transformed into aubergines, a plant thoroughly despised in Britain that had no place dictating politics. The fruit were hurriedly swept under the carpet and Clegg was declared the winner by default. Sitting on a slight popularity advantage (the hunched over MP for Surrey) and more popular than he had ever been, all Clegg could do now was sit and wait for the election to roll in.
The General Election
The date was set, the booths were set up and the public were ready. May the 6th came faster than any politician could have expected, overtaking several days by using a short cut, and completely bypassing the month of April. The public turned up in the masses, clicky pens at the ready, eager to vote. And they did. Well, most of them. Some polling station operators got annoyed the result wasn't going their way and closed the polling stations early in a huff. After making nervous election sex to his dad, Nick Clegg set himself down with his party in front of Sky Sports News, eager to see the results of his campaign come in.
Following a tense night of constituency swapping and beer pong the Lib Dems decided they should probably check up on the scores (the channel had long since been changed). Much to their surprise the Lib Dems had actually lost seats instead of gaining them, as they had previously expected. This was most awkward as some of their members would have to sit on the laps of others to fully accommodate their party in the House of Commons. Grumbling slightly as the party's minister of defence Tubbo was assigned to his lap, Nick almost forgot to check how the other parties had done. After glancing past UKIP and the Greens his eyes came to rest on the result of the big two: the Conservatives hadn't secured enough votes to form a majority government. "Guys look!" he screamed, pointing at the screen and jumping up and down. "It's a hung parliament!" Face alight with glee, he yanked his trousers to the floor and examined himself. Just as he'd suspected, everything had become magically larger. "Awwwwww yeah."
The Hung Parliament
The next 6 days passed in a haze for the MPs, all too busy bumping into walls or attempting to locate trousers large enough to canvass their now-massive wangs to notice that the country was without a government. I'm not really sure how this applied to the girl MPs, they might have grown giant vaginas or been crushed against the sides of doorways by passing wangs or something. Just bare with me on this one.
Having managed to extract him from the downstairs toilet he had been lodged in since the night of the election, David Cameron asked Nick if he wanted to go out some time, and that would Saturday be good? Nick Clegg uttered an aggreeance before promptly passing out as the last of his blood left his brain to fuel an erection.
The Coalition
Not much is known about how the coalition between two of the most different parties in British politics came about, the authorities keep the information under tight wraps and people have been killed for 'knowing too much'. Some suggest it was borne out of the void labour had filled, others have suggested it was engineered by Satan himself. However scientists believe that its most likely Cameron and Clegg ran into each other accidentally at top speed - merging them through their very souls. Why the same result hasn't happened when we've tried it with some of our researchers, and the very question of the soul itself seem to weigh against this conclusion, but the scientits assured us they were running very fast.
The Important work of Guvnemnemt bagins!
As part of the deal Nick was appointed Deputy Prime Minister, a post given to him mainly out of pity. His new job entailed many responsibilities he'd never had to deal with before, such as not stealing office equipment and making sure the computers in the office were turned off after everyone had gone home. Within 2 weeks his ineptitude became apparent and Cameron promoted him to corner inspector, finally allowing Clegg to fulfil his lifelong dream of standing facing the wall without talking as office equipment was gradually moved around to hide him from view.
Nick hasn't been seen since. Occasionally Cameron's aids will stick a cardboard cut-out of him in the background at press conferences so no one calls the fuzz, and the guy who plays Minty in Eastenders has been hired to play him at home, but as for the real Clegg he's still somewhere in London, facing the corner.
“Guvment came and took mah baaaaaby!”
IMPORTANT UPDATE ON NICK CLEGG'S WHEREABOUTS
No one cares. ...what? Have you tried checking your mum?
See also
| The 2010 British General Erection |
| An Illogicopedian guide to one of the biggest general elections since the last one. |
| Gordon Brown (Nu Liebour) • David Cameron (Concerninglyposh Party) Nick Clegg (Liberal Aristocrats) • Nick 'Twelve Points From' Griffindor (British Nazinal Party) |
| Result: Parliament was hung |