David Cameron
| ||
| Deputy: | Satan | |
| Nationality: | British | |
| Term of office: | 2o/0 – The end of time | |
| Preceded by: | Death | |
| Succeeded by: | Goodon Broon | |
| Date of birth: | Unknown | |
| Place of birth: | Where the rich prosper and the poor struggle. Thatcher's Britain. | |
| Date of death: | -- | |
| Place of death: | -- | |
| Wife: | Mrs Palmstrong | |
| Political party: | Concernatives | |
“TWAT ALERT! TWAT ALERT!”
“What are you doing, Dave?”
David Cameron (A.K.A. 'D'-ave, Webcameron, The Heir to The Blair, The Liberal Conservative) is a simpering 'down wid da hood' do-gooder, professional hoodie-hugger and the world's first Tony Blair clone, created by a pack of Earls in Oxbridge, Aristocrasia. He's down with the kids, so you can call him "D to the A-V-E". His serious face is 2' 3" long but, when he speaks about what's best for spoon buyers, his nose can reach up to 5 foot. This is one of the longest on record, but not nearly as long as Madonna's when trying to be English. He recently founded the focus group 'Think Right, Talk Left'.
In May 2010 David Cameron failed to win a majority in the general election - so he had to beg Nick Clegg to betray his party and make a power sharing deal, which he did. Clegg was rumoured to be stoned out of his mind at the time and accepted the deal. According to his diary, he woke up with a massive headache and David Cameron staring into his eyes 'D'ave and his jolly old chums from Eton now rule the country and will be held responsible for the eventual death of the entire planet.
Early Life
David Cameron is the product of Margaret Thatcher's brief love affair with Buzz Lightyear, although still mobile, Thatcher is widely regarded as being physically and mentally dead, and is being kept mobile by the souls of dead miners. The trauma caused by Thatcher's death might explain why David Cameron is such an oily, obnoxious little Kuntz.
Education
Heatherdown Preparatory School
At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Winkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alleged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their Michalmas Term's supply of grade A cocaine.
Eton College
Cameron received his secondary education at Eton where he initially served as a fag. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983, six weeks before taking his O-levels when he was revealed to have smoked skunk with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang).
Oxbridge University
Cameron went to Brokeback College in Oxbridge University where he studied P.P.E(Pathetic Pretentious Economics) but his degree is worthless for the media still recognise him as "That toff from Eton".
Drugs
David discovered LSD in his Alphabetti Spaghetti as a 7-year-old, but he doesn't like to talk about it. David's drugs of choice are poppers, for he enjoys popping balloons on a regular basis. He says he simply takes poppers before making any public appearance as it helps him to relax and reminds him of his hot-air balloon days at Eton.
David Cameron still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative Sex Party chairman, Gordon Brown has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy". However, video footage has surfaced on the internet of Cameron, aged 7, snorting cocaine off the back of a drunk prostitute. This statement may be misleading, for the woman was in actuality Cameron's mother.
Concern arose in February 2008 when a farmer in Cornwall noticed David Cameron with his foot trapped in a sheep's anus. The farmer reported that he had a nosebleed and was wearing nothing but a leotard and kneepads. All concerns were dismissed however when the sheep turned out to actually be Margaret Thatcher.
Despite his plans for change and modernisation, Cameron suffers from the politician's disease and therefore must be treated as a lying, two-faced scab.
Business
David Cameron tries to win over the right of his party by taking part in an old Conservative pastime: puppy strangling
The silver spoon industry supports a small yet vibrant community in Northern Aristocrasia. Aristocrasia has a population of about 40,000 but has unlimited access to a market of nearly 60 million commoners. Its trade has been assured over the years by giving out free silver spoons, scratching other merchants' backs with said spoons, and doing other things with the spoons not fit for publication. Cameron thinks he can run somewhere called England, but is unlikely to get past the Scottish toff-beating industry's stake there.
The unfortunatley successful Quest Campaign For 10 Downing Street
At quarter-to-three in the morning of 26th December 2009, David Cameron was recorded shouting "IT'S TIME FOAR CHAAAANGE MY GOOD FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES!" over a glassful of gin, in his own library room, accompanied by a cooked shrimp and his Pet chimpanzee, Timtim the 4th. The remainder of the speech was just rambling about how he cant decide whether to break the taxi industry, how he is a racist bigot (especially towards those "European titties" and beating his wife to make her endorse his election campaign. Some say he may still be intoxicated to this day ; others say he was never drunk at the time but was simply 'speaking his mind'. The latter accusation is deeply inaccurate for one reason: Dave is unable to speak his own mind - he can only fake his views to convince the highly gullible British public, mainly Daily Mail readers and the misguided elderly.
Throughout the campaign Cameron has constantly produced posters which seem to be asking to be imitated: For the only reason he is remotely popular is "Well I'm not gordon broon".
For a reason not known to man he received a minority victory in the 2010 elections and after 6 days of begging a politically desperate Liberal Democrat party he managed to fulfil his lifetime goal and resume the reign of an Incompetent Conservative government after 13 years.
When will he go away?
Cameron will be returning to reality after his short disastrous spell as prime minister. He has already been targeted by the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign, a group comprised solely of Gordon Brown, Mr G. Brown, and, well... Gordon Brown's reflection. They are planning to replace him with another Conservative with a higher IQ - which of course, is impossible as all Tories have the intelligence of a (filthy rich) disabled puppy.
Cameron's destiny
Cameron will most likely end up in a care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Middle-Class excess. Should he ever become Prime Minister, he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret Thatcher. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guineas and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists, sociologists, vegetarians, hippies, vegans, or your mother.
Pathetic Blair Clone
Pathetically led by focus groups (consisting entirely of Daily Mail readers), Cameron has worked furiously on his image. What has emerged is a middle-class, middle-brow non-entity, whose mind has never been sullied by a free thought. Like Blair, he attempts to give the electorate the impression of a family man, who nevertheless might - in the right circumstances - take it up the shitter.
David's face
It has been noted that David Cameron's face is a polished egg of gold and more slippery than a greased non-stick frying pan. It has also been discovered that light shines out of his anus.
| The 2010 British General Erection |
| An Illogicopedian guide to one of the biggest general elections since the last one. |
| Gordon Brown (Nu Liebour) • David Cameron (Concerninglyposh Party) Nick Clegg (Liberal Aristocrats) • Nick 'Twelve Points From' Griffindor (British Nazinal Party) |
| Result: Parliament was hung |