Num lock
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- Were you looking for your Numb Cock? It's right there. You just can't feel it. For it is numb.
The Num lock is the name of a useless key found on most modern keyboards. It is also the name of a rank of office in the sun dynasty. In this respect, it is the position of the Emperor's nephew's cook.
The 'Comfortably' Num lock
Located on most all keyboards in the upper left hand corner of the number pad area, the Num lock is only useful for the Num subspecies of humans. These more highly evolved creatures generally have between 14 and 18 fingers, and can flex them into oraganic shapes for quicker typing. The average typing speed of a Num is 3700 words per minute.
Due to increased friction caused by this typing, the Num lock key begins the process of supercooling the keyboard with a liquid oxygen mixture. All keyboards built after 1998 must implement this feature, according to the Worldwide Num Supremecy Act of 1998. Laptops have a special disclosure under the act, they must carry a Num Lk key, which can only be activated by the equally mysterious Fn key. Num Lk performs a completely different job to Num Lock, it massages the temples of a Num via telekinesis.
Keyboards built prior to December 2005 must be retrofitted with a Num lock key, but its only purpose must be to illuminate a green Num lock light. This serves no purpose.
The top ten most well known Nums are as follows:
- Bill Gates
- The guy who invented the num key
- Jim Carrey
- Santa Claus
- The Ghost of Christmas Past
- John Travolta
- That guy who's always on TV. You know the one.
- His sidekick
- Chuck Norris
- George Bush
In Sun Culture
The name 'Num Lock' means 'a binding caused by intensely cold temperatures,' and can be traced back to ancient Sun culture. The position was named this due to the fact that the original Num Lock (at the time being nameless) felt bitter towards the Emperor's nephew, Bitchicus. Bitchicus was quite possibly the most spoiled of all Emperor's nephews in the history of the Sun Dynasty, and was incredibly ungrateful towards his cook. Ancient Sun legend says that the original Num Lock killed Bitchicus by means of freezing him in the meat freezer. Oddly enough, the Emperor was quite pleased, and in return gave the position an official rank, and a few extra duties.
Primary Responsibilities
In addition to caring for his master's health, and preparing delicious meals for him, the Num lock has several other duties. These include:
- Being second in command of the infantry, but third in command of the artillery
- Being the nation's
unofficial bootlegger - Vacuuming his Majesty's royal bathroom carpet
- Taking part in religious rituals
Famous Num Locks
There have been several well known Num Locks in history, and some have been surprisingly notable:
- Greg (4 BC - 17 AD)
- George Foreman (1949 - Present)
- Your Mom (Last night)
- Jack Black (1174 - 1348)
- This Guy (Eventually)
- Prince (March 4th, 1942)
- Henry Winkler (2011 - 2033)
- Spongebob Squarepants (2049 - Eternity)
- Jim Carrey (1-2) (the only known Num Lock to also be a Num.)
Immortality
Much controversy has sprung up over the fact that the Emperor grants whomever becomes the Num Lock immortality. This is in memoriam of Num Lock I, who was already immortal when he took his job. The people of the Sun Dynasty have been angered since this ritual began with Greg's induction in 4 BC. However, the tension was eased slightly, when it was made law that the Num Lock would lose their immortal gift the second they left their position. As a result, several have lived longer than their Emperors, only to perish into a cloud of dust upon Donald Trump's call of "you're fired."