Real Life Cops: The Reality Series
Real Life Cops: The Reality Series is a reality television show that shows the real cops in the world. It was made because everyone with a brain knows that Cops is staged, so producers set out to make footage of your every day, real life cops. The demand steadily grew for the show, mainly due to people's utter amazement as to how stupid cops really are.
Most of the show is composed of small portions, each about ten to twenty seconds each. They play clips of each moment, than move onto another. Below is the pilot episode.
“Life on the beat ain't easy. Believe me. But it's my job. Protect and serve, beeyatch!”
“Woah!”
“What?”
“It's A BOMB!”
“I like fucking donuts. Yeah. It's true. But that doesn't mean I'm fat.”
“What? That's just wrong. I completely denied that.”
“Who we're looking for is a heavy-set male, about 40 years of age, balding, brown hair, and blue eyes. Over to the left is a picture of the assailant. Any questions?”
“Isn't that you?”
“Well... uh... when you- uh... Say it like that then....”
“Are you guys selling drugs?”
“DId they get that one on film? Crap!”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Why?”
“Because you're gay! Ha!”
“What!?”
“Um... My uh- deputy told me to do it...”
“What the hell man? You sold me out. What!? Is that a gun!? Fuck!”
“Did you really think it was a good idea to go into the drug dealer's house with nothing but socks on?”
“I couldn't find my clothes.”
“DetectiveGreen, let me see your badge and gun. You're being suspended.”
“Why?”
“Because of yesterday's incident where you peed on an innocent old lady.”
“She peed on me first! She was asking for it!”
“Detective... That was your mother”
“Officer Bradley, we're going to need you to take this case.”
“Sure, captain, which one?”
“The Fitz Case.”
“Are you freaking kidding me? All that happened in that case was a kid got his cookie taken by a dog!”
“Yes, I know. You aren't good enough for anything else, though.”
“Good point. I'll get right on it, sir.”
“Moron.”
“There's a robbery at the corner of fifth and Broadway and one at Ninth and Grand.”
“Fifth and Broadway it is.”
“But sir! Ninth and Grand is a bank!”
“I know! But Fifth and Broadway is the donut shop!”
“Officer! Officer!”
“Lady, I'm a sheriff.”
“Sheriff! That man stole my money!”
“Hey, lady, I'm reading my book here. Now shut up and go away.”
“Sheriff! He got away! And, uh, I'm a man.”
“Well, well, well... Seems I found this little bag of weed in your car. Ooh... I can make ALL of that go away with a simple payment of... I don't know; $1,000. Wait? The cameras are rolling? Uh...”
“So, Detective Marks, could you say you saw the defendant running away from the murder scene?”
“Woah, woah, woah. What case is this?”
“*sigh* The Litman case.”
“Well then... Define saw.”
“Sir; have you been drinking tonight?”
“It's 7:00am, officer.”
“Officer Sherman, Officer Sherman! Do you think it was just to unload 30 shots on that cat yesterday?”
“What? That was a cat? I thought it was Satan.”
“The whole day was running smoothly until the unthinkable happened. Lieutenant Rogers discharged his weapon towards his testicles while on a pee break.”
“Officer Williams, can I see you in here? Officer, you have failed our drug test. You tested positive for heroin.”
“Uh.. I ate poppy seed bagels.”
“We found ENORMOUS amounts of heroin in your body, sir.”
“Uh... I went poppy crazy, you know? Uh... I ate a lot. For uh.. breakfast.”
“Officer, is that a syringe sticking out of your arm?”
“We've got a bar fight on the corner of 12th and Grand.”
“I'm on it.”
“Sergeant Connors; do you believe you abuse your power?”
“No I don't. But you're under arrest for Obstruction of Justice.”
“Here are the suspects.”
“Aren't those the characters from Winnie the Pooh?”
“As a matter of fact, they are.”
“What are the charges?”
“Stealing a jar of honey from my pantry!”
“Tensions were running high throughout the precinct as Detective Mitchell was twenty minutes late with the coffee.”
“Deputy Watson! What do you think about the reports of the vicious butter knife murderer?”
“No comment. Wait a second...”
“This vigilante serial killer has claimed twenty victims already. We need to find him before it's too late.”
“...and we want to stop him why?”
“Captain! I'm almost finished with it.”
“With the Redding case files?”
“No. With the Impossible Quiz!”
“So.. Mr. Peters, what makes you qualified to become a cop?”
“I've logged at least 500 hours on Crackdown.”
“Being a police officer driving around on the streets isn't easy.”
“Dude! You're getting jacked!”
“Get out of the fucking car and give me the god damn keys!”
“Alright, alright. Someone call 9-1-1.”
“This is a prime suspect.”
“Uh, sir, that's a garden gnome.”
“I know.. but can't you see it? He wants my flesh! It's like he's... plotting something.”
“Uh, Captain, I would like you to meet Doctor Finch. He's a psychiatrist.”
“Hey! That guy is stealing our car.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Aren't you gonna' go stop him?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“'Cuz, he's my buddy. He works at Dunkin' Donuts, and he's gettin' me freebies.”
“Life as a cop is a hard life.....”
“What's that mysterious ticking noise?”
“Oh that's a pipe bomb.”
“Oh, that's nice.”
“Hmmm. Doesn't look live, feed it to the dog, eh?”
“10.”
“9.”
“7.”
“6.”
“Let's see....red wire, blue wire.....green wire?.”
“Actually captain, I think it's red yellow blue then green.”
“4.”
“Private! Can't you see that I'm trying to save a housefull of puppies and 17 hostages?? ”
“1.”
“Ok, we're going to need to surround the house and save the hostage. Here is a picture.”
“Captain... is that your wife?”
“Yes, it is, and I need to get her out of that baby shower or else she's going to come home and never stop talking about it!”
“Ok, Cotrez, flip on the siren.”
“What for? There's no emergency.”
“I know, but do you really want to wait at this red light?”
“Good point.”
“There's more to life than just donuts and coffee, you know.”
“Uh... like what?”
“Hm..... well, you know what? You guys are right. Pass me a glaze.”
“Will you PLEASE let me go?”
“Is that Mario?”
“Yeah.”
“Why is he in jail?”
“He's in for animal cruelty towards turtles. P.E.T.A wants this guy dead.”
“Well you killed 50 people.”
“If you let me go; I'll be your best friend!”
“Works for me.”
“Sir; you were doing 70 mph on a 50 mph zone.”
“Officer, but my wife here is giving birth!”
“Yeah. How many times I get that one. Everyone knows babies come from the stork. Don't give me this whole, 'giving birth' business”
“Ok, officers, time for your weapon trainign! Put on ear and eye protection, please.”
“Hm, I wonder what this trigger does...”
“Wait! Tilman! No!”
“Let's find out!”
“Sir, we have three hours to meet with their demands.”
“What are their demands?”
“They want three million dollars wired to their given bank account.”
“I'll see what I can do, kid.”
“I've got thirty bucks. Will that cover it?”
“You have the right to remain uh... silent...? And you have the right to a.... oh, ya! A toilet break! Wait, no, that's not it....”
“I became a police officer so I could protect my country. As it turns out, we don't protect Bolivia, we protect the United States. That's strange.”
“I joined the police so that I could get free donuts and coffee. Also, a gun and shiny gold badge really brings in the ladies.”
“Good point.”
“This guy is going really fast! It's going to be tough to catch him!”
“Wait a second! Oh no!”
“What is it? Why the hell are you turning around!?”
“I left my cat at home! I was supposed to be taking him to the vet!”
“So, Jackson, what do we got here?”
“Two dead. No prints. No weapons. We're out of leads, Mason.”
“Well that's not good. Hm, what's this?”
“Oh, whoops. I guess we missed that conspicuous clue.”
“Hey, Davis, what's that?”
“That's Mr. Police.”
“What is he for?”
“We have him so it looks like we have an officer standing by and surveiling a place, so criminals fend away. All of us are too lazy to actually go and "survey".”
“Hey, Tyson, pass me another beer.”
“Man, we are soooo buzzed right now...”
“Totally... Wait are those sirens I hear coming?”
“Oh crap! The cops! Run!”
“Wait, we are cops.”
“Oh yeah... still, hide the beer.”
“Sergeant Winston, can I see you in my office please?”
“Sure, Cap'n, what is it?”
“Well, I hate to say this but, you've been doing some pretty bad work lately.”
“Sir, I'm realy really sorry!”
“Hey, do't worry, just cause you let three murderers get away with ten kills a piece doesn't mean you're a bad cop. In fact, I called you in here to promote you!”
“Really, sir? To what rank?”
“I'm 'promoting' you back down to First Class.”
“Wow! Thanks, Cap'n!”
“We found your prints all over the scene. The guns and knives were found in your house, and we found videos of you killing them and confessing to doing it. Did you murder all of those women?”
“I give you my word, I didn't.”
“Okay. You can go.”
“Captain Sheffield, do you think it was right to let him go? I mean, the evidence is damning, don't you think he did it?”
“I thought that until he gave me his word. And everyone knows its impossible to lie when you give someone your word.”
“Detective Marshall had subdued the rapist but had accidentally maced himself in the eye.”
“Does anyone know where the sugar for the coffee is? Wait, here it is.”
“Officer Aarons, you know that's the cocaine we recovered from the Robinson case?”
“Well then...”
“Uh... Snorting cocaine is illegal.”
“Don't worry. I'm a cop.”
“Hey, Johnson. You're going to have to get me a warrant for this place. I know there's some sort of important evidence in there.”
“What are you talking about, Smith?”
“You're a police man. Now go get me that warrant!”
“I'm a police man?”
“Officer Franklin! You just ran over that deer!”
“Well he didn't have his turn signal on.”
“I can catch so many criminals on GTA: San Andreas! I should get a medal for this!”
“You have commited several felonies... but for the small price of $299.99, I'll let you go!”
“Get the mob gear! We've got a donut shop to protect!”
“They say protect and serve... but protect and serve what? The drug dealers?”
Real Life Cops: The Reality Series!