Are you Freaking Kidding Me?

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"Are You Freaking Kidding Me?"

_{A novel in conversation.}

Chapter 1

Bob: Wtf?

LETBEPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's LETBEPICs.

Johnny: Wha?

Bob: Are you freaking kidding me?

Johnny: "WHAT THE HECK? This has to be the worst opening to a wannabe epic ever."

Bob: Woah, this is supposed to be an epic?

Johnny: Yeah, isn't it on T3canolis' to-do list?

Bob: Woah, lemme check... Crap, it is.

Johnny: Well, let's just have a long conversation...

Bob: Why?

Johnny: Look under the title. It says "A novel in conversation".

Bob: Darn this is gonna be hard.

Johnny: C'mon Canolis, couldn't you just write a story?

Bob: Naw, cause he's the suckiest Illogicopedian writer ever.

Johnny: Yeah, and what's with the names? Bob and Johnny? So cliché...

Bob: I know are you freaking kidding me?

Johnny: Bob, just 'cause it's the title doesn't mean you have to say it.

Bob: Then why is that the title?

Johnny: Cause when someone reads this they'll say "Are you freaking kidding me?"

Bob: That makes sense.

Johnny: Yeah, I know. T3canolis can't write a good article for crap.

Bob: F*** this s***. I quit.

Johnny: I'm stayin', the pay is worth it. Right? We get PAID!! RIGHT!!

Bob: Naw, I'm gone.

Chapter 2

Johnny: Aw... Man... I can't do this on my own...

Mark: Conversation for hire?

Johnny: Where'd you find this job?

Mark: Oh, some guy named T3canolis posted an ad in the paper.

Johnny: God dammit, Canolis. You resulted to classifieds?

Mark: Well, how much is the pay?

Johnny: I dunno.

Mark: So what's this for? A Typical Conversation article?

Johnny: No, an epic.

Mark: What the hell? An epic in a conversation?

Johnny: I don't know how he'll pull it off...

Mark: Well, let's keep talkin' so he'll think he can do it.

Johnny: Great idea.

Mark: Yeah.

Johnny: So, why is your name also cliché?

Mark: Oh, the ad also said "Cliché names only".

Johnny: I'm on the verge of quitting Canolis...

Mark: Are you freaking kidding me?

Johnny: No, I am not freaking kidding you, shut up.

Mark: I'm sorry. I thought I was supposed to say that cause it's the article name...

Johnny: I know, it's a common misconception.

Mark: So where's our coffee?

Johnny: Coffee?

Mark: Well, I figured we'd get coffee with the job...

Johnny: No. He wasted the money for coffee on that ad.

Mark: Wow. This is news to me...

Johnny: Well, he needs some business management skills.

Mark: Well... I gotta say... I quit...

Johnny: Oh well f*** you.

Mark: Bye...

Chapter 3

Johnny: So, Canolis, what are we gonna do?

T3: Well, I'm flying a guy in from Europe.

Johnny: Who? Bobby or John, or maybe even Eric?

T3: No... his name is... Scott...

Johnny: What the hell man? Why couldn't you get a Lenny, or Reginald?

T3: Okay. I will ask him to change his name to Reginald, okay?

Johnny: Thanks.

T3: I'll put it on speaker.

Scott: Hello?

T3: Scott?

Scott: T3?

T3: Hey, can you change your name to Reginald?

Scott: What the f-. Oh my God ,Johnny! Why do you care?

T3: So where's your plane?

Scott: I'm almost there.

Johnny: Wait, how could he be almost here? Mark just quit.

T3: I had a feeling I would need another person.

Johnny: Even so, a British guy?

T3: Sorry Testicles... I couldn't help it...

Scott: What are you saying about Brits?

Johnny: Bye, bye...

T3: Dude? Why 'd you turn off the phone?

Johnny: C'mon, we all know we don't want the Awesomeland fiasco again.

T3: I guess you're right...

Johnny: So, why did you want to write an epic?:

T3: Because I say "epic" all the time so it would be according.

Johnny: Well, you never say it in articles.

T3: Shut up! I have a life outside of Illogicopedia!

Johnny: That's obvious 'cause if you didn't, your articles would be better...

T3: Why'd I pick you for the article?

Johnny: Because I was one of the few people to answer the ad...

T3: Scott's here so I don't have to talk to an @$$hole like you...

Johnny: Bye.... Your articles suck...

Chapter 4

Scott: Ello!

Johnny: No. It's "hello", "hello". Can you say an "H" sound?"

Scott: Sorry if I'm gettin' a knot in ya knickers.

Johnny: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?"

Scott: Eh, just cause it's the article name don't mean ya have te say it.

Johnny: God dammit that's my line!

Scott: Wow, this is more painful than The OMG Scary Alien.

Johnny: Oh my God, we agree on something!

Scott: I know! T3canolis is the worst Illogicopedian ever.

Johnny: I totally agree.

Scott: He sucks so bad!

Johnny: Imagine if he ever wins Illogicopedian of the Month..

Scott: I know, that will NEVER happen, ha ha.

Johnny: It's like he tries so hard. But he never gets a feature.

Scott: I know. He thinks his article Toast is so good. It sucks.

Johnny: Imagine if THAT gets featured.

Scott: Haha, I know.

Johnny: Oh my god, I hate his articles..

Scott: I know! Have you read Kaboomy!?

Johnny: I know! It was even deemed an epic fail!

Scott: Have you seen his attempts at writing music?

Johnny: I know! You got Pwnd! was pitiful.

Scott: Hey! I've got a great idea!

Johnny: Wha?

Scott: We should make a hate club.

Johnny: I totally agree.

Scott: Yeah! Yeah! Oh... Darnit... It seems I've soiled my knickers.

Johnny: Uh.... Front or back...

Scott: Uh... back...

Johnny: Oh my god! Get me someone else!

Chapter 5

T3: I'm sorry. I can't get you a guy in person so I got you a guy over the Net.

Johnny: What's his name?

T3: It says his first name is l337.

Johnny: You gotta be s***in' me.

T3: What? I thought you wanted exotic names?

Johnny: Do you know what l337 is?

T3: Uh... a Russian name?

Johnny: Stupid Canolis! He's an internet speak guy.

T3: Sorry, already connected...

l337: hlo. how ru

Johnny: Good.

l337: i do nt undrstnd teh lnguge u spk

T3: I told you he was Russian!

Johnny: No, he speaks l337 as a first language.

l337: ?

Johnny: Ugh... kk wat do u wnt

l337 2 tlk 2 u

Johnny: kk wat do u wnt 2 tlk abot

l337: WoW

T3: What's WoW.

Johnny: World of Warcraft

T3: Okay. Keep going.

Johnny: so u ply WoW wats ur race

l337: im n orc cuz teir gren

Johnny: wat lvl?

l337: 6 bt i dnt no y cuz teh enymes wnt gve me exp

Johnny: u hve 2 leve teh furst area

l337: wat wuz tat lst wrd

Johnny: sry, ara

l337: o i c

Johnny: do u hve aim

l337: yea, lol

Johnny: u wanna tlk on it

l337: yea bt furst lt me say teh roflmao creed

T3: Holy crap! I need to end the chat!

Johnny: Why?

T3: He's... the ROFLMAO Guy!

Johnny: Whose he? He's not in an article you wrote.

T3: I know. I wrote about him on IllogiBooks:Biographies.

Johnny: Oh my god it's him!

T3: I know. How about another guest?

Johnny: Okay... okay...

Chapter 6

T3: Okay. I got you a dead guy.

Johnny: Are you freaking kidding me?

T3: No his name is A. Dead-Guy.

Johnny: Oh. So he's not really dead.

T3: No, he is. I reanimated him yesterday. He kinda smells from decomposistion.

Johnny: How long was he dead?

T3: Thirty-five seconds. But had to kill someone to do it.

Johnny: Oh! So your like the guy from that show "Pushing Daisies".

T3: No. I had to kill the guard in front of his body. What's "Pushing Daisies anyway?

Johnny: Nevemind... Bring him in...

A: Hey! What's up?

Johnny: So... How'd you die?

A: I'm dead? Aw dang... Must be the LSD again...

Johnny: I'll take that as you died from an overdose.

A: No way! That means I'm like the a total stoner rocker! Sweet!

Johnny: Wow... You're retarded...

A: That's semi-retarded...

Johnny: Are you sure it's not just the drugs?

A: Hey! You called me retarted in the first place!

Johnny: So who named you A?

A: My mama and pop 'o' course!

Johnny: Lemme rephrase that. Why did they name you A?

A: My pop was high as Mount Rushmore... I mean Big Ben... when he named me.

Johnny: So you smell alot.

A: Aw shucks. I'm sorry. I took so much coke in college I can't smell no more.

Johnny: So you upgraded from coke to LSD?

A: Yeah. What would I do? Downgrade.

Johnny: No... Just not take drugs.

A: Ugh...

Johnny: S*** I think he's officially dead...

T3: Okay. I'll get the body out of here. Ugh. Phew it's out.

Johnny: Okay. Who's the next guest?

T3: A buddy of mine.

Johnny: Who?

T3: JaqueSmith323.

Johnny: Oh crap! Not that Frenchie from the "No-Scope" series!

T3: Didn't you read the third one?

Johnny: There's a thir-..... Okay, I just did. Thank god he speaks English.

T3: I know. I was leading up to that all series.

Johnny: Wait. It's not true?

T3: Heck no! I'm the worst no-scoper to ever live.

Johnny: Are you freaking kidding me?

Chapter 7

Jauqe: Wazzup?

Johnny: Nothin' much; you?

Jauqe: Eh.. 'Sall good.

Johnny: So you went from gay Frenchie.. to gangsta?

Jauqe: Yeah, dawg. Ya feel me man?

Johnny: No I don't feel you.

Jauqe: Really? I'm touching your forehead.

Johnny: Oh... I thought you meant.. nevermind.

Jauqe: Man. I gotta admit this is crampin' my style, T3. I was playin' Halo 3.

T3: I was playin' Halo 3. See I was playing Halo 3. Hangin out with Master Che-

Jauqe: What the hell is that?

T3: Uh... YouTube... James@War... Parody... Nevermind...

Jauqe: Man, why you be wasting yo time on YouTube man. Dats all you do.

T3: Uh.. no..

Jauqe: Man, all you do is go on Illogicopedia and YouTube. Get a life, dawg.

T3: Hey all you do is play Halo 3.

Jauqe: Yeah but I play Halo alot, and I'm good. You go on Illogicopedia alot. And you-

T3: Okay, okay, my articles suck I've heard that enough today.

Jauqe: You mean tonight. It's 9:43 and your sitting in front of a laptop.

T3: Why'd I even butt in?

Jauqe: I dunno. Maybe cause your ugly.

Johnny: What the crap?

Jauqe: Stay outta this ya f*gg.

Johnny: How'd... how'd ya know?

T3: Are you freaking kidding me?

Johnny: Just becau-

T3: We know! Just cause it's the title. Blah, blah. I'm writing all of this. I control you.

Jauqe: What do you mean?

T3: I made you up. You're nobody. I'm writing this. You have no control.

Johnny: Well, if you control us. Why did you make fun of your articles?

T3: Uh... uh... uh...

Jauqe: I'm gone dawg. I ain't neva playin' Halo wit chu.

Chapter.. uh... 8.. yeah! Chapter 8!

T3: Why are you still here?

Johnny: I don't know...

T3: I'm suprised. Even after Jauqe's gay slur.

Johnny: F*** him.

T3: I know ya f*gg. Aw s*** I said it.

Johnny: Oh my god! Now I'm leaving! Ugh! I hate you! You ruin my life! Uh!!

T3: Stop cryin' and leave.

Johnny: Fine! I'm leaving!

T3: Okay... Who will I have a conversation with... Oo! How about another user!

T3: Okay... Who can I talk to... TReich, no. Hindle, no. Seppy, no. Bob, no. Ugh.

T3: Oh. There's one user I can talk to! Aw... It's M-WoW513... I'll talk to myself...

T31: Hello.

T32: Hey what's up self?

T31: So am I you or...

T32: I don't know...

T31: Ya know, I'm gonna have to kill you.

T3: Ah... That's much better. So what should I do...

Ring! Ring!'

T3: Ooo! My phone!

T3: Oh! It's dxpenguinman!

T3: Helloo! Uh-huh. What? It's not even out. 5 million dollars? Ugh.. Ah... Bye...

T3: Oh no! He's suing me for using the concept of his article!

T3: Ya know. Interviewing Yourself.

T3: He wants 5 million dollars.

T3: Oh crap!!!

T3: Ugh! Lemme get a guest..

Chapter 9

T3: Hello Mr. Serial Killer thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Mr. S: My pleasure

T3: So what's your profession?

Mr. S: I'm a butcher.

T3: Oooo... A German butcher?

Mr. S: No. A human butcher.

T3: Is that some Middle Easter butchery?

Mr. S: It can be.

T3: Can I order some sausages?

Mr. S: Certaintly but I might need your help.

T3: Why?

Mr. S: Well, there's a shortage of meat...

T3: Oh! Well what do you do with the meat.

Mr. S: Eat it. And I drink the blood.

T3: Oo! Exotic!

Mr. S: By the way my real name is Count Drack Yula in case you wanted to know.

T3: Oo! That sounds cool. Wait..

Mr. S: What?

T3: You kill people, drink blood, your name is Dracula and... Oh s***.

T3: Ah... thank god I had this garlic-covered stake in my hand... Yikes...

T3: Man, I gotta tell someone about this.

T3: I'm gonna call a random number! Hm... 1-324-649-3400.

T3: It's ringing! It's ringing! Hello? Yeah! I almost got killed by Dra-... What? How?

T3: Agh!! He said he's coming here and he wants to eat my babies! AH!!!!

Chapter 10

T3: Oh crap he's here!

Guy: Hello, PRANK CALLER...

T3: Don't eat my babies!

Guy: Shut up. You probably don't have any babies.

T3: So wha, what are you gonna eat?

Guy: I don't know... You?

T3: Come on! Two cannibals in a row? Jeez...

Guy: So, what's your name?

T3: Uh... uh... uh.... T3canolis...

Guy: Oh my god! T3canolis from Illogicopedia! I love your articles!

T3: Re-really?

Guy: Yeah! I loved Toast!

T3: Why does everyone like Toast? The author thought it wasn't funny...

Guy: I cried when The OMG Scary Alien lost in VFH...

T3: So did I! So did I!

Guy: I love your articles SO much!

T3: What's your name?

Guy: Reginald.

T3: Haha, Johnny left a little early!

Guy: You do realize no Illogicopedian has the attention span to read this?

T3: Uh... then who could read User:Testostereich/Digging A Hole.

Guy: Well... cause that's good...

T3: I thought you said you loved my articles...

Guy: Yeah... but this one sucks....

T3: You're lying!!! NO!!!

Guy: I wish I was...

T3: No!! I hate you!

Guy: Woah, woah. Don't go all emo.

T3: Just, just leave...

Guy: Okay... Bye...

Chapter 11

Johnny: I heard you say there was a guy named Reginald! Where?

T3: Ugh... he left...

Johnny: Turn that frown upside down!

T3: I thought you hated me?

Johnny: I do, I do, but I've always wanted to say that.

T3: So, can I get you someone to talk to?

Johnny: Okay...

T3: I'll get you The OMG Scary Alien.

TOMGSA: What's up Canolis?

T3: Nothin' much man, You?

TOMGSA: Nuttin' much! So why am I here?

T3: I need you to talk to someone.

TOMGSA: You mean this-

T3: Stop there. Watch what you say.

TOMGSA: Okay... I guess I can work this into my schedule. With movies and all...

Johnny: So... OMG Scary Alien... How are you doing?

TOMGSA: Good... So this is supposed to be an epic? Right?

T3: Yeah.

TOMGSA: Are you freaking kidding me?

T3: No...

TOMGSA: You wrote me and I think that's a crappy idea, man! What you doin'?

Johnny: I know it sucks...

TOMGSA: And the name? Are you freaking kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?

T3: That was a horrible pun..

TOMGSA: I don't care!

T3: Want me to send you back to your home planet? Would ya like that?

TOMGSA: I'm shutting up...

Johnny: Jeez. Why are all your characters so annoying in person?

T3: I don't know...

Johnny: What about Toast?

T3: He's dead...

Johnny: Wha? How?

T3: Oh my god! Read the end of my articles! Jesus!

TOMGSA: At least I'm not dead!

T3: Hey. Ya want me to edit that?

TOMGSA: No... no... AH!!!

Johnny: Wow... He just ran away...

Chapter 12

Johnny: So what character are ya gonna bring in now?

T3: My cyclops friend Bob...

Johnny: No... not Bob, the One-Eyed Guy... Your first article...

T3: Sorry.. He's here...

Bob: Hey! Where are you?

Johnny: Woah.. he's blind?

T3: READ UNTIL THE END

Johnny: Sorry...

Bob: So.. Mr. Canolis... Why does my article suck so bad?

T3: Because it was my first article and I didn't spend much time on it.

Bob: Doe-.. Does that mean... Does that mean you don't love me?

T3: You're a blind cyclops. Who the hell would love you?

Bob: Good point but why can't you improve my article?

T3: I don't feel like it.

Bob: Where'd you get the idea for me?

T3: It was inspired off of a story I wrote a year or two ago.

Bob: What was it called?

T3: What do ya think?

Bob: I see.

Johnny: You're blind.

Bob: Stop making fun of me!!! WAH!!!

T3: Stop crying ya baby.

Johnny: You made him a baby.

T3: Shut up. I made you gay.

Johnny: Good comeback but how do we get him out of here?

T3: Why ya askin' me for?

Johnny: Cause your the author

T3: Oh yeah. Lets try to lift him.

Johnny: One... Two... Three...

BANG

Johnny: Crap he smothered T3...

Bob: No... he's dead! He's dead!!!!

This article hasn't been dedicated to T3canolis, ?-2008.

THE END