Coprodysmorphophobia
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“AAAAHH! Weird shaped poooooo!”
“No seriously, it's flippin scary.”
John zipped up his pants and was about to give the toilet flusher lever a nice little push, until something caught his eye. Something brown. He looked down into the bowl, and screamed. He screamed, screamed as though he were a little girl, as though he were falling into a pit of rabid aardvarks, as though he liked cereal. What cause this comotion was a deformed piece of poop. It looked faintly like a zebra. You see, John here has Coprodysmorphophobia, or what us "less educated" (whatever the hell that means) people call fear of weird shaped poop.
Being the 265th most common diagnosed type of phobia, Coprodysmorphophobia is a casue of major concern. People everywhere are running from bathrooms as fast as Kenyans. Bathrooms are being abandoned by the two's. Porta-potty makers are slowly but surely going out of business. Day after day, going to the bathroom becomes a horrible ordeal for people who tend to poop out feces that come out in the shape of something else, such as a mathematical equation.
Diagnosis
Coprodysmorphophobics have a range of very distinct actions that can indicate if one has this phobia. If you believe one may be a Coprodysmorphophobic, you should immediately cram them in an envelope and ship them to the nearest mental hospital's mailbox, where they will be tested for confimation of the diagnosis.
Typical symptoms include:
- Reluctance of going poopy.
- Wearing sleeping masks when taking a dump.
- Being completely careless of wiping their
fishbutt after pooping. - Screaming when leaving the bathroom.
- Typical fear of anything that smells similar to poop.
- Natural instinct to walk in the opposite direction of a bathroom.
- Inability to watch a movie or read a magazine the mentions the words "poop", "feces", or "mommy i has to go potty!"
Common Shapes of Feces That Trigger Coprodysmorphophobia
Many people do not fear odd shaped peices of poop, in fact, most people quite enjoy looking at the poop to point out the shapes. "Cool, it looks like gun!" and "Yes! Mine looks like a detailed blueprint of the Empire State Building!" However, sometimes, such unbearable shapes slide out of one's anus that they pooper is driven to the point of near-insanity. Some of these shapes include clouds, sporks, and picture frames. Try to avoid eating carrots, for they encourage the wastes of the body to be shaped into these three objects. Other types of food that have a greater risk of becoming deformed are turnips, lightbulbs, and paint cans.
Treatment
GENERAL SURGEONS WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO TREAT COPRODYSMORPHOPHOBICS YOURSELF. THEY TEND TO RESPOND BY SAYING "SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, PAL!" AND THROWING POO THAT ARE SHAPED WEIRD AT YOU.
If you know someone with Coprodysmorphophobia, it is highly suggested that you get them treated. Would you rather have someone run from the bathroom, or go in there and stink it up even more? My point exactly. The first step in treatment is remaining calm. If you do not remain calm, YOU TOO may become insane/fearful of poop. After this, there are many methods that you could use to help your friend out.
- Threat Method - The most commonly used method is that of treatening. Your victim may be reluctant, so the first step is coming up with a good threat. For example, threaten to lock them in the bathroom with a broken toilet. If they do not calm down, then follow through with your threat, or rape them. This will almost certainly abolish their fear.
- Torture Method - If your victim is still reluctant, te next suggested method is torture. You should torture them by confining them to a small place, such as a cat litter box, and containing them there. Then, you will get pictures of odd shaped poop to show them. After first they will scream and kick, but just punch them in the nose to calm them down. Eventually, seeing all this poop should help. If it doesn't, you may have to move into drastic measures.
- Murder Method - If the "torture" and "threat" methods both do not work, then you are left with two more options. One is the murder method. You could just gas your Coprodysmorphophobic or strangle them with a hose. What else you could do is stage a death to make it appear as though it were suicide.
- Trained Professional Method - If you are somehow unable to kill your victim, or if they come back to life as a zombie, you will have to use trained professionals as a last resort. First you must take your affected friend and fit him into an enevelope. In this envelope with your Coprodysmorphophobic also place an signed blank check. Then mail it to your local loony bin. Their doctors will ask very important questions. Once they have determined the case, the doctors will treat your friend.
They usaually just throw them off a cliff with all the other people who have obscure phobias and take the check and score a ton of cash.
Potential Troubles
If you know someone with Coprodysmorphophobia, they may have certain advanced forms. These forms may in fact be lethal, and if you don't know what that means, it means "It could be really really bad. Really really." If they have these extreme cases, murder should be the first and immediate reaction. Don't worry, we'll bail you out. Trust us there, pal.
Kopocoprodysmorphophobia
This is a special case of when a person with Coprodysmorphophobia tends to faint at the sight of a deformed piece of poop. The name implies that the person is afraid of fainting when being scared of poop, but seriously, who the fuck cares? I didn't know how else to say it, so, just go play with dynamite or something. If you ever run into one of these people, immediately stab them in the head with a wooden stake.
Coprodysmorphophobia (x2)
This case of Coprodysmorphophobia is double as severe; the person screams twice as loud and runs twice as fast as a normal Coprodysmorphophobic would. These people are often extremely hard to catch; it is recommended that you use a high performance vehicle to chase them down and shock them with 50,000 volts of electricity. If that doesn't kill them, their electric bill will!
Coprophobia
This is a less adavnced form of Coprodysmorphophobia, but it is in fact much worse. This is the fear of poop in general, and these people never tend to go to the bathroom at at all. If you work in the porta potty business, you know how much these people suck. The best way to dispose of them is come up with a fake conference for people who are afraid of poop and set of some explosives while they're grouped together.
In conclusion
If you know someone with Coprodysmorphophobia, treat them. You could take advantage of their fear, though, by enjoying the intriguing shapes of poop. Also, if someone has this fear, it makes it much easier to mock them.