Garfield

File:Fat Man.JPG

Garfield may end up taking over the world!

Garfield is a cat who became the first non-human, terrorist and 8th President of the United States.

He loves lasagna. His fear of losing his lasagna led him to fund and support The Al-Qaeda Network and terrorism. Garfield has his own comic strip, cartoon, and movie.

He is a real live talking cat, worth billions of USA cents. His archnemesis is Odie, a dog who always seems to outsmart him since Odie is a member of the United Nations. He lives in a house owned by a human named Jon Arbuckle. What Wesley Willis was to singing, Jon is to dating.

Garfield's life started out amusing, but rapidly became mundane and unfulfilling. He finally died after contracting a fatal case of presidency.

Did You Know?

Garfield is a cat from a comic book and a cartoon series. But he is no ordinary cat. No. He is a cat with a list of accomplishments longer, even, than the manly appendage of John Holmes. Here is a short list of just some of those achievements:

1. He can eat his own face while standing on 1 paw and writing the meaning of life with the other.
2. He can eat more lasagna than Almer "Scarface" Frappachino.
3. He is even less funny than Roseanne.
4. He has a genetic mutation allowing him to grow suction cups from his hands and feet.
5. He has another genetic mutation making him the only cat in the world with hands and feet.
6. After being ship-wrecked by the sinking of the Titanic he was stranded in Japan for 20 years.
7. The Japanese revered him like a God because of his mutant ability to grow suction cups from his hands and feet.
8. In adoration the Japanese give him free rides wherever they go, allowing him the most respected location in the car, the back windscreen.
9. During his infamous "Japanese Period" he became the leader of an elite band of Clinja assassins.
10. He once assassinated the Japanese Shogun using only an origami flamethrower.
11. He swam the English Channel 15 times during the D-Day invasion ferrying troops and tanks across on his back.
12. He was assassinated by a lawyer because he would not give the lawyer what he wanted.
13. He was the last of the "Log Cabin Presidents", the first, of course, being Escape Key.
14. He toured with Elvis Presley, once famously beating him in a "Deep-fried-peanut-butter-and-banana-sandwich-eating competition" by 3 sandwiches and 4 wickets.
15. He never said anything funny.
16. No, not even, "I hate Mondays".
17. I mean, he said, "I hate Mondays", but everybody knows that's not funny.
18. Except, perhaps, Bob Geldof, but let's face it, he doesn't know much, I mean, not even how to use a comb, the fool.
19. He single-pawedly discovered the cure for syphillis after diagnosing himself with the disease after a night of ill-advised sex with Nermal.
20. He became a high-priest with the Church of Jebus Christ of the Saturday Saints, setting a new Guinness World Record for the defilement of virgin pussies. and
21. He became the first President to visit Jupiter when he hitched a ride on the Voyager 2 Probe which was not nearly as funny/cool/successful at the box office as the Voyager 1.
22. Garfield was born on 12 separate dates, and each Garfield from each of the 12 dates one day combined to form one Garfield that had an incredibly high bone density. He was later hunted by HG Wells because his special bone density created really sweet spears that HG Wells liked to throw at peasants in developing countries.

As you can see, that's a lot of achievements, especially for a fucking cat.