Space Elves
“There are a colony of them somewhere and I shall find them!”
“We came, we saw...and we came several more times.”
“My first girlfriend was a Space Elf!”
~ André Breton on Random Thoughts
“They are tall, sexy, and they last for hours...”
“We can only assume one thing...breasts will continue to get larger...”
Space Elves: These beautiful lustrious creatures hail from a planet known as S-69. They have made a grand civilization, which contains 3/4ths women and 1/4ths men. By the age of 6 a male Space Elf has had sex, while a female has committed herself at the age of 15. The men of this grand race are shunned by many and for the most part do not deserve to be thought for. On the other side, the females of this planet are loathed by every male in the galaxy. This includes the following: Pee Wee Herman, Barney, Zeus, Socrates, DaVinci, Michaelangelo, Cigarette Company CEOs, George Bush, Bill Clinton, and the many others who were not listed. Years in the entire future out of our lifetimes, this race had troubles. They were hated by female Space Midgets, Orcs, Humans, Elves, Midgets, and any other damn female species out there. War begun short after. In this great war, leveling up and maxing your PTs (Points) was extremely important. For at level 50 with max PTs you could dominate anything you wanted. Also, the higher level you were, the skimpier your armor became. To cut a long war short, the Space Elves drove all their enemies back in time to 2001 and placed them all in France, Iraq, Afghanistan, and other various Middle Eastern countries.
Elven Society
In this large world of Scandalous Space Elves, we see a form of monarchy. As in the popular children's book, Lord of the Rings, there is one to rule them all. This extremely gorgeous Space Elf is the one and only Veronika Zemanova. She leads the planet of S-69 with a set of iron breasts. Other than the leader of this grand space race, there are diplomats, councils, artisans, normal working class citizens, sextologists, and many other occupancies. Also, to supplement their mighty civilization is their army which consists of millions of scantily clad women. This army has invaded pornography on Earth for thousands of years dating back to the era of the Egyptians. The specialities of the military force consists of warriors, rangers, snipers, archers, templars, knights, black knights, conquerors, engineers, artisans, and many more. To supplement their society of raging sex hormones and non-diversity, there are mechanical farmers that go from planet to planet collecting various eatable foods for the Space Elves to eat very small amounts of to keep their beautiful and lustrious figures. Once stated by the Green Taco Guy, "There is no such thing as a voluptuous or obese Space Elf, every man can have a fair chance. The only thing you have to search for is who has the bigger breasts." Now the Space Elves do side jobs for the mafia and live in complete peace with the humans on Earth.
Space Elf Sexuality
Male space elves are all effeminate, and in fact look exactly like female space elves until you get their pants off, except for the fact that they have no breasts. This trait has actually been selected for by their evolution because of the fact that all female space elves are lesbians. Other traits that male space elves have been selected for include penis size and stamina, as they usually have to satisfy several females at once in great lesbian orgies that don't happen in real life but all men are convinced do. The combination of the male space elves' femininity, large penises, and abillity to get it on for hours upon hours at a time make men of all other races across the galaxy feel extremely emasculated, which causes men from across the universe to hate male space elves and discriminate against them. Male space elves don't care, however, because they have judged (correctly) that having sex with lots of women is more important than having male friends, as any sex they'd have with a male friend would be a major lifestyle choice. It has been reported that even other male space elves do not like male space elves. There was only one male space elf to have ever gone to earth without being hated, and he was kicked out of the space elf empire for not looking like a girl. His name is Nightcrawler, and that long, prehensile thing is NOT a tail.
Another theory is that the male space elf stamina is more due to environment then biology. The theory goes something like this: a male space elf will exhaust himself sexually and think that he can't go on, and then he'll remember that he's in a writhing pile of lesbians, and the thought will instantly revitalize him.
Female space elves are all lesbians, but do enjoy raping young boys on the side. They have an overpowering labido, and if they go more than twenty six hours without having sex, they begin to go into withdrawl. After thirty six hours of chastity, a female space elf begins to not really care if the person they have sex with is female or male. After two days, even you might get lucky with a space elf, assuming that you and her were stranded in the middle of the Sahara and there was nothing for miles around that was even remotely humaniod nor phallus-shaped.
| DISCLAIMER: This is not a gaurentee, you ugly bastard! |
Space Elf Empire
The space elf nation has incrued a huge empire through a combination of military might, political maneuvering, assassination, bribery, and fucking everything in sight. The exact location of the space elf homeworld is, in fact, unknown, because everyone was too busy having lesbianic sex to write anything about it. due to the mind-staggering amount of sex space elves have (3-4 times a day, average--in fact, along with smoke breaks, coffee breaks, and lunch breaks, space elf businesses are required to have "sex breaks"), their population is constantly exploding, which fuels the need to conquer more planets, or at least kill off a section of the population making the attempt--whatever releaves the population crunch.
Space elves in the military often have to go longer than civilians without sex. The idea is to put them into withdrawl, which will make them mean, but that sometimes backfires as battlefields turn into giant orgies. Even these giant orgies, however, works to the space elves' military advantage, as men and lesbians in the oposing army tend to die of exhaustion during them. Similarly, men in teritory occupied by space elves are very likely to get raped by their soldiers. As in, on a daily basis, if they happen to be girly enough. This is in blatent disregard of the Geneva Convention, but nobody cares. Also, this causes levels of metrosexuality skyrocket in space elf-controlled territory, as it is encouraged through rape.
With all of this...erm...interbreeding going on, there's a lot of crossbreeds around, but all crossbreeds are female, as only a male space elf can produce male offspring with a female space elf. It is unknown whether this is a genetic trait or if there is some secret that male space elves pass from father to son. If space elves dilute their blood with too many generations of interbreeding with other humanoids, they become nymphs. This is estimated to take 4-6 generations, depending on where the outside blood is coming from. It is unknown what would happen if male space elves made babies with human women, as male space elves only have sex with female space elves, for reasons that ought to be obvious.
The space elves once tried to conquer the Earth. Unfortunately for men everywhere, they were stopped by Chuck Norris, who roundhouse kicked the entire fleet, mistaking them for Klingons. After he realized his error, he briefly visited their planet. The space elf population immediately doubled and their fleets became unstoppable, but an entire generation of male space elves, having gone through the until-then unimaginable ordeal of going an entire week without sex, went into a severe state of shock, which more than half of them did not recover from.
Space Elf Hollidays
Valentine's Day, New Year's Day, Christmas, Easter, and their partner's birthday are amongst the only days on which a female space elf will not have sex, which makes them the exact opposite of some women. Anniversaries are also days on which female space elves won't have sex, but it doesn't matter, because most of them can't remember when their anniversaries are, anyway.
Lent is a dangerous season for male space elves, as female space elves give up lesbianic sex for lent, which means that male space elves, already only a fragment of the population, die of sexual exhaustion in droves during this season. The tradition was intentionally started by Queen Hippolytus VII, for the stated purpose of "cutting the weak ones from the herd." Another theory states that the reason for this tradition was that this is the season in which Chuck Norris came to them.
Father's Day is also dangerous for male space elves, as what their present is invariably that their daughters convince some of their coworkers to come to the house and have sex with them. Mother's Day tends to be a toned-down affair, however, and the usual gifts are a tie and a pen. Why a tie, no one knows. It's not as if space elves wear ties--or, come to think of it, much of anything at any given time.
Opposition to Space Elves on Earth
Believe it or not, there are people out there who don't want space elves to conquer the Earth:
This one ought to be obvious. If space elves were to conquer the world, and men forced into a state of sexual servitude, women wouldn't be able to use sex as a weapon to force them into a different sort of sexual servitude. Also, a lot of them are really jealous of how hot the space elves are, and it doesn't console them at all that that's to be expected in a species where even the guys look like chicks.
- Gays:
While the prospect of being raped by a hot, scantily-clad space elf warrior is an awesome concept for most men, for gay men, it's just, well, rape. And it doesn't help that the people most likely to get raped are the really gay. Bears, however, are likely to not even be looked at by space elves.
- Christians, Muslims, and Assorted Others:
This one is a little bit complaicated. Firstly, for secret inside reasons known only to themselves these people hate sex. Christianity hates sex, and even Islam hates sex, in spite of the fact that Muhammad had, like, a hundred wives. Or maybe because of this. It's not as simple as that, though. Not only do they not like sex, but, perhaps consequentially, they don't like women to even have minds of their own, much less for them to be in positions of power (in fact, one prominent christian who shall remain nameless has suggested that women get lobotomies in order to make them "less unruly"), which makes the idea of sexual servitude to an empire of amazons just plain grate on their nerves.
Tensions between space elves and the religious on Earth grew when space elves, hearing of this, surmized correctly that religious people were nothing more than a bunchy of crazies, and decided to show them absolutely no respect whatsoever. Space elves on Earth have been known to masturbate with crusifixes, urinate in holy water, and kidnap and shave muslim holy men head to toe before gang-raping their teenage sons.
The exact reason Chuck doesn't want space elves to conquer the Earth is not precisely known, as everyone is too afraid of being roundhouse kicked to the head to ask him, but it is assumed that it is either because Chuck is already the emperor of the earth and doesn't want anyone impeding on his turf, or because the present generation of space elves are all his descendents (see above), or else both.
Space Elf Biology
It is a common misconception that space elves are frugal eaters, when in fact they have very high metablolisms and do a lot of exercize. Things from earth space elves love to eat include but are not limited to, steak, pizza, pork chops, tiger, pig, cow, horse, potatoes (not cooked--fresh from the ground), samon, and semen.
The orrigin of the term "space elf" is unknown, as DNA tests have proven conclusively that space elves are not related to elves, and the experience of anyone who has been around space elves for ten minutes proves that space elves don't reproduce by "twelving," but rather by sexual intercourse--lots and lots of sexual intercourse.
The mitochondria, commonly known as "the AA battery of cells," of space elves are supersized, thus explaining their metabolism, their endless energy, and the fact that only one in four space elves born are male. Mitochondria have their own DNA which can only be transfered from mother to daughter, and so it is in the mitochondria's best interest to try to make as many of the mother's children be daughters as possible, thus by maximizing their chances at survival. The reason this phenomenon doesn't work like this with humans is that our mitochaundria are too small and wimpy to put up a fight. In fact, they are so small and wimpy that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his out of his body and replaced them with spent uranium rods in order to make himself even more invincible--something many Norrisologists had long believed to be impossible.
Other facts:
- Space elves don't have apendixes.
- Space elf abs are, truly, made of steel.
- The space elf vagina is always tight, no matter how much sex she has had.
- No matter how hard you squeeze a space elf's breast, it won't hurt her.
- Space Elf bodies are totally hairless.
- A properly-hydrated male space elf can cum up to 622 times in one day, producing twice his bodyweight in semen.