Carrier pigeon
Carrier Pigeons
A carrier pigeon is a specially bred and trained bird able to generate the radio carrier frequency upon which a radio or television signal is modulated for transmission.
“I once had a Carrier pigeon. It was my bestest friend, but it died. So I got a new one, but it died carrying my old one to the grave.”
The whistling sound of a carrier pigeon is modulated by one of two means:
- AM (altitude modulation) involves placing the bird higher whenever a louder signal is to be sent
- FM (feed modulation) involves changing the amount of birdseed to raise or lower the pitch of the bird's whistling
If neither of these suffice, the MPEG-based DVB (darned voracious bird) protocol is used, in which a very large bird is placed into geosynchronous orbit and a series of large bird baths (colloquially known as "satellite dishes") are carefully aimed to listen for the distant but nonetheless distinct bird calls.
The largest of these birds is Big Bird, transmitting PBS programming from geosynchronous orbit at 87° west.
An earlier approach required stringing cable across town, allowing birds to perch on the wire at periodic intervals in order to repeat or rebroadcast the signal to individual cable subscribers.
While usable and less equipment-intensive, this does not provide the viewer with access to the same number of birds as would be visible upon installing an individual bird-use dish (BUD) and positioner in order to see all of the birds directly.
More recently, carrier pidgeons have also been used to generate and transfer packets over the Internet, replacing the inefficient cables that were used previously.
Carrier pigeons have been known to ferry groups of Battle Pelicans to their required destinations.
Passenger Pigeons
Passenger Pigeons are extinct. Unable to drive, these special kinds of pigeon could only live vicariously through others by stomping imaginary brakes and dramatically getting smacked upside the head with invisible airbags, thus ensuring their immediate extinction via natural selection.
Evolution
How a regular pigeon becomes a Passenger Pigeon is still a complete mystery for bamboozled scientists. The most reasonable explanation is that they are a separate breed of pigeon, which secretly are not birds, but iguanas. There is circumstantial evidence hard-core mathematical proof for this theory because the DNA consists of precisely the same materials as that of iguanas (namely, A, C, G, and T, and the number 2).
Another explanation put forward by idiots is that Passenger Pigeons are formed when an ordinary pigeon has its wings ripped off. This is obviously stupid, as even a wingless pigeon will still fly if you throw it hard enough.
Reasons for extinction
The untimely extinction of the Passenger Pigeon has been explained over and over again, but you just won't listen. The Passenger Pigeon had problems with maintaining their balance when riding other pigeons, which resulted in millions of Passenger Pigeons falling off of the pigeons they were riding, and helplessly plunging thousands of meters to certain death. The speed by which they went extinct has not been slowed by the well known fact that it's not against any religion, to want to dispose of them (see Tom Leher)