Battling Asema

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This article is quoted from a chatroom somewhere.

<IRC>

#illogicopedia
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 Flameviper> people who flame me, on average, have the intelligence of a bowl of pubes”
 =-=	Topic for #illogicopedia was set by IllegalEagle on Tuesday, July 17, 2007 9:49:06 AM
*ChanServ*	[#illogicopedia] Welcome to ?pedia, http://illogicopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page
<Flameviper>	HAY GUISE
<Flameviper>	WATS GOIN ON IN DIS TOPIX
<Flameviper>	fonch_is_bored but why?
<fonch_is_bored>	mhm
<Asema>	[[Hello]], Flameviper.
<Flameviper>	MathPoetAway Asem A_KAway PrincessCaitlai SilentPenguin
<Flameviper>	Asema!
* Flameviper	schnuggles
<Flameviper>	*shnuggles
* Asema	returns the favor
* fonch_is_bored	uhghhghelsssssssssssssssssfdfdhs
<Asema>	For a moment, I thought we would end up fighting.
<Asema>	Y'know, because we're arch-enemies.
=-=	fonch_is_bored is now known as urtyoerd
<Asema>	Urtyoerd?
<urtyoerd>	yes
<Asema>	Speaking of which, Flameviper...
<Asema>	...Someone's been wanting to give you a letter.
* Asema	hands Flameviper a sealed envelope.
<Flameviper>	HOO
<Asema>	Myself.
=-=	urtyoerd is now known as leoisntpotter
<Asema>	It's got an important note within.
<SilentPenguin>	SOCKY!
<Flameviper>	Anyway, Asema, are you going to be on every day and such or just on occasion?
<Asema>	Every day, nowadays.
* SilentPenguin	bans leoispotter on the wiki
<Asema>	But please read the letter.
=-=	leoisntpotter is now known as fonchyone
<Flameviper>	i type in all lowercase. because cool ppl type in lowercaes. its inteligent.
* Flameviper	reads a blank sheet of a paper
<Asema>	Suddenly, text appears!
<Asema>	"This text is /so/ not a magically-charged letterbomb."
* Flameviper	notices a drawing of a man strangling a snake
* fonchyone	is bored
* Flameviper	looks quizzically at Asema
<Asema>	boom.
=-=	fonchyone is now known as fonch_is_bored
<Flameviper>	O NOES
* fonch_is_bored	is bored again
<Asema>	http://illogicopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Asema/Feral_Parties
* Flameviper	takes 50 damage!
<Asema>	Here's my idea to accomodate Ducks for Ducks.
* Flameviper	has 50 hit points!!!!!!1111
* Asema	laughs maniacally.
<fonch_is_bored>	yes
<Asema>	Scroll up about a message or so.
* Flameviper	summons a WHORICANE
<Asema>	"Feral" isn't the correct word.
<Asema>	O NOES!
* Asema	takes 25 damage.
* Asema	is weak against wind!
<Flameviper>	It's a hurricane made not of wind, but of FRENCH PROSTITUTES!
* Asema	takes 25 more damage.
<Asema>	Oh.
<Asema>	I'm french, so I'm immune to that.
* Asema	only takes 25 damage.
<Flameviper>	WInd too, but mostly the hookers
<Asema>	Oh.
<Asema>	30 damage then?
<fonch_is_bored>	WATCH TALKIN ABOUT
<Asema>	I summon up a MEMECANE!
<fonch_is_bored>	WATV+CUFA
<fonch_is_bored>	dmkdxd
<Flameviper>	Oh noes!
<fonch_is_bored>	asema what do you mean
* Flameviper	does a barrel roll
<Asema>	The deadly combination of wind, tubgirl, lemonparty, goatse, meatspin and several 4chan memes strikes at you!
<Flameviper>	NO NO NOT THE UNHOLY TRINITY
* Flameviper	dodges a flying Mudkip
<fonch_is_bored>	what about church of fudge
<Asema>	There's also more mudkips.
<Asema>	And longcat is there, too.
<Asema>	What shall you do now?
* Flameviper	does battle with the longcat in an epic clash of really long reptile versus really long mammal
<Asema>	Damnit.
<Asema>	Your turn.
* Flameviper	summons burr
<Asema>	OH GOD
<Asema>	NO
* Asema	is reduced to 1 HP.
<Asema>	You've incited it now, Flameviper!
<Flameviper>	YOUR SOCKS TAKE 85 DAMAGE EACH
<Asema>	You've incited the wrath of..
<Asema>	DISCO JESUS!
* Asema	holds hand up.
<Flameviper>	zAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
* Asema	watches as he flies down.
<Flameviper>	I SUMMON ZOMBIE JESUS!
* Flameviper	watches as he rises up
<Asema>	Disco Jesus: And now, I shall do my cool tricks!
<Flameviper>	Zombie Jesus: Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssssss!
* Asema	watches as Disco Jesus shoots Resident Evil bullets out of his nose.
<Asema>	At zombie jesus, that is.
* Flameviper	watches as Zombie Jesus dodges in slow-motion
<Asema>	Disco Jesus: And now, before I go back and avoid getting eaten, I shall turn WATER!
* Asema	watches as Disco Jesus splashes you...
<Asema>	Disco Jesus: INTO FUNK!
<Flameviper>	OH GOD NO
* Asema	watches as you smell so bad Zombie Jesus won't go near you; holds nose.
* Flameviper	takes 40 damage
* Flameviper	summons the 40-Foot Jesus
<Asema>	This battle is mine, oversized reptile!
* Asema	summons Buddha.
* SilentPenguin	makes asema smell his own socks
<Flameviper>	Oooohhhhhhhh
* Asema	makes Flameviper read Ann Coulter.
* Asema	does the same to Seppy.
* Flameviper	summons the northern sage of few words!
<Flameviper>	SILENT PENGUIN! ATTACK!
<Asema>	Flameviper...
<Asema>	I have news for you.
<fonch_is_bored>	bye
<Flameviper>	:O
<fonch_is_bored>	im going
<Asema>	I will continue this battle after you get past my distraction...
<Flameviper>	:()
<fonch_is_bored>	im gonna eat
<Flameviper>	0______0
<Asema>	..But for now, I'm just doing this to see what happens.
* Asema	summons Femviper.
* Asema	runs away.
<fonch_is_bored>	(?)
<Flameviper>	Y halo thar.
|<--	fonch_is_bored has left irc.freenode.net ("ChatZilla 0.9.78.1 [Firefox 1.5.0.12/2007050813]")
* Flameviper	sexes Femviper
* Flameviper	flees
* Asema	has loaded up on icy chainswords enchanted with Ice-9.
* Flameviper	brought a sock filled with quarters
* Flameviper	brandishes the sock and swings it over his head
* Asema	also has the freakin' best in swordie tech, courtesy of Eliwood.
<Flameviper>	:)
<Flameviper>	:D
* Asema	stabs you with his SwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordina.
<Asema>	I summon the ultimate Viperbane!
<Flameviper>	SwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordinaSwordina what?
<Asema>	CHARLES WITH A SPORTSCAR!
<Asema>	AND HIGH-OCTANE-PREMIUM-ULTRA GAS!
* Asema	summons Charles.
* Flameviper	jumps over the windshield and does a cheesy bullet-time backflip
* Asema	watches as Charles crashlands in a ditch.
* Flameviper	gives Charles the "lol wut?" face
<Asema>	That may have failed..
Asema>	But this won't!
* Asema	summons Bob to drone on you with fake intelligence.
* Flameviper	listens to long dissertations on the finer points of waterfowl taxidermy
* Flameviper	hits Bob in the head with Introduction to Criminal Justice
<Asema>	Damnit.
<Asema>	it doesn't work so well when your opponent created the characters, does it?
<Asema>	Well, I have news for you!
<Asema>	RAPID SMASH!
* Asema	attacks 9 times in a row with an icy chainsword.
<Asema>	Your turn.
 Flameviper	looks for "Infinity" on the character set
<Asema>	I can counter Infinity.
<Flameviper>	as in...
<Asema>	It's a passive trait that counters any Infinity attacks with an Infinity + 2 attack.
* Flameviper	takes ∞ damage
<Asema>	Flameviper...
<Asema>	You've been going easy on me...
<Asema>	..I want you to unleash your FULL POWER!!!
* Asema	uses dramatic camera angles.
* Flameviper	meekly throws a  into the center of the room
===	 Erroneous Nickname
<Flameviper>	===  Erroneous Nickname
<Asema>	Besides, it's an obvious cliche that when we unleash our full power that we somehow destroy half the universe and have to fight for the control of the rest of it.
<Flameviper>	lol wut?
<Asema>	Look.
<Asema>	Do you want to use your full power or not?
* Flameviper	watches as the  turns into a ferocious beast with unlimited power
<Asema>	Ah ha!
<Flameviper>	, I COMMAND YOU TO ATTACK!@!!!!!!!111111
* Asema	uses 1/3.
<Asema>	Now it has only 1/3 unlimited power.
<Asema>	Which BOTH of us surpass.
* Asema	beats it into a fine monster paste.
* Flameviper	watches as the  spews flame and brimstone everywhere, sort of like King Ghidorah
<Asema>	King Gidorah sucked.
<Asema>	He's too damn slow.
<Asema>	And he was KILLED BY MOTHRA>
<Asema>	A FREAKING MOTH.
* Flameviper	holds the  in his arms, shedding a single dramatic tear
<Asema>	You'd better cry.
<Asema>	Honestly, for every newbie you killed, I want you to shed one tear.
<Asema>	Only way I'll do that is by GOUGING YOUR EYES OUT!
* Flameviper	is unable to cry
* Flameviper	casts Water-7 on his eyes
<Asema>	Okay.
<Asema>	There we go.
<Asema>	NOW can we fight?
* Flameviper	does Doublecast, Doublesword, condenses 4 target squares into one, and casts Light Brand with Runesword
<Flameviper>	Which would be...
* Flameviper	calculates
<Flameviper>	10 damage each, times 2, times 2, times 5
<Flameviper>	20 times 10...
<Asema>	Finally, you got it.
<Flameviper>	200 damage
<Asema>	Bravo!
* Asema	is reduced to 0 HP.
<Asema>	Except you forgot one thing.
<Asema>	AUTO-LIFE, BITCH!
* Asema	is revived with 1 HP. heals himself back to near-full.
* Flameviper	buries Asema bafore he auto-lifes
* Asema	cannot be buried.
<Asema>	However...
<Asema>	I have news for you.
<Asema>	I learned some more summoning spells.
* Flameviper	looks at his blistered tail and the large hole in teh ground that used to hold Asema
* Asema	summons Gandalf the White, Gandalf the Black, Tubgirl the Juicy, Goatse the Guy, and The Hooded Lemon. Summons six mongooses with Ice-9, and summons fourty ice mages. Summons the Ur-Grue, summons Godzilla with eye beams, summons five intelligent icy chain swords, and one brownie, which he promptly bites into.
<Asema>	Your turn.
* SilentPenguin	pwns everyone
<SilentPenguin>	checkmate
<Asema>	You're not in this combat.
<Asema>	You're in the other one.
<Asema>	You know, the one with like 10,000 other enemies against you.
<SilentPenguin>	didnt you hear, i just pwned everyone
<Asema>	You pwned everyone in the arena you're in.
<Asema>	But not us two.
* SilentPenguin	pwns you two
<SilentPenguin>	checkmate
<Asema>	You can't.
<SilentPenguin>	i just did
<Asema>	We're in a hyper-omni-giga bubble.
<Asema>	Okay.
<Asema>	You pwn us.
<Asema>	Shall we continue, Flameviper?
<SilentPenguin>	:P
* Flameviper	elbows SilentPenguin
<Flameviper>	SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS
* SilentPenguin	elbows back
* Flameviper	casts Snookums-10
<Asema>	OMG
<Asema>	NO
<Flameviper>	SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS SNOOKUMS
<SilentPenguin>	no snookums
* Asema	watches as my army dies.
<Asema>	Okay, I surrender.
<Asema>	Shall I hand my weapon over to you?
* Asema	gives you his Longsword of Ruination.
* Flameviper	summons Chuck Norris with flaming chainslaxechucks
<Asema>	You never really see me in melee. Funny that I have that.
<Asema>	Except for one thing..
<Asema>	SNEAK ATTACK SNATCH STEAL INSTATELEPORT, BITCH!
* Asema	does sneak attack damage to you, snatches his sword back, and teleports away.
<Asema>	Suddenly, 100,000 femviper clones appear!
<Flameviper>	http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/List_of_melee_weapons_that_don%27t_exist%2C_but_should#Slaxe
* Flameviper	looks nervously around
* Flameviper	unzips his pants
<SilentPenguin>	zip them back up
<Flameviper>	This could take a looooooooooooong time. All right, form a single file line...
<Flameviper>	THEY SHOOK ME ALLLLL NIIIIGHT LOOOOOONG
<SilentPenguin>	anyone read the last harry potter then?
<Flameviper>	and the subsequent decade, but that's a different story
<SilentPenguin>	i was bored, so i read it
<Asema>	No.
<Asema>	Does Harry die?
<Flameviper>	HEDWIG DIES. FRED DIES. VOLDEMORT TRIES TO KILL HARRY. HARRY DIES. SNAPE WAS GOOD. SNAPE DIES. TONKS DIES. LUPIN DIE.
<Flameviper>	Spoiler bolt!
<Asema>	Thank god for all of that.
* Asema	is healed.
<Flameviper>	Oh wait, harry doesn't die
<SilentPenguin>	harry doesnt actually die
<Asema>	Well, at least Hedwig does.
<SilentPenguin>	yeah, i was vomiting by the end
<Asema>	I hate that god damn, avian, white-feathered piece of crap.
<Asema>	But that's me.
<SilentPenguin>	hah
<Asema>	Any other good [[thing]]s?
<SilentPenguin>	it dies really early
<SilentPenguin>	like in the first few chapters
<Flameviper>	HEDWIG DIES. MAD-EYE MOODY DIES. FRED DIES. VOLDEMORT TRIES TO KILL HARRY. VOLDEMORT DIES. SNAPE WAS GOOD. SNAPE DIE. TONKS DIES. LUPIN DIES. RON MARRIES HERMIONE AND HAS TWO CHILDREN, ROSE AND HUGO. HARRY MARRIES GINNY AND HAS THREE CHILDREN; LILY, JAMES, AND ALBUS SEVERUS.
<Flameviper>	page 57
<Asema>	...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<Flameviper>	Also, Rufus Scrimgeour dies
<Asema>	RON + HERMIONE = IMPLOSION!
<SilentPenguin>	hah
<Asema>	NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<SilentPenguin>	you can tell flameviper was glued to it untill he finished it
<Asema>	So, Silent Penguin.
<Flameviper>	You know, it kind of implies that since children were produced, they had to have been...made... in some way...
<Asema>	I know you're mute, but can you make vocal noises?
* Flameviper	does an evil 15-year-old laugh