Penglish uprising
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The Penglish Uprising was a popular battle, enjoyed by numerous people between 2007 and 2007⅓. Reviews were mainly positive, The Guardian giving it 4 out of 5. Though the battle remains undecided, with both sides locked in a tight stalemate, it is thought the outcome will determine future key world events; such as the winner of the next Presidential election, the fate of the known universe, or, perhaps most importantly, the price of cheap novelty figurines.
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Reviews
“This spectacular battle just goes to show there can never be one too many decapitations or groin shots in a war. The blood-filled frenzy is fast becoming a national phenomenon, giving children fantastic heroes to look up to, like Silent Penguin. Hardly a wasted scene.”
“BOOM! HEADSHOT!”
“My mother died in that battle; it was fantastic!”
“Don't ask me, I'm just a slightly right wing-biased newspaper”
“Sadly some of the penguins with big tits died”
“Everyone died horribly in the most gory way possible”
“Survivors were urged to p-p-pick up a penguin. A dead one, that is.”
“If slaughtering endangered Penguins is wrong, then I don't wanna be right!”
Below is an accurate account of the battle, scribed by a limbless corpse found near to the action. Here's what happened:
Around the world people were unable to think of a better method to obtain ice aside from importing it from colder countries, so to make a quick buck The Emperor Penguin exported half of Antarctica's ice; leaving many penguins furious, aside from those few penguins who had a fetish for warmth. But we won't go into that at the moment. All the penguins (apart from Silent Penguin, who just sat down and said nothing) formed a secret rebel alliance against the Emperor. However after much pot-smoking, and deaths as a direct result of AIDS, the organization finally disbanded. Bitter and disillusioned the remaining rebels slowly whittled down to just one.
Deciding that it was time to take action, Seppy lifted himself back onto his flippers, then said "Whew, that was really quite exhausting." He then took an eight hour nap. Over the course of the next few days, he waddled about four feet, taking long naps every eight inches or so. Historians would come to refer to this as the "Shitzkrieg," or otherwise, "That boring, four-day stretch before the battle where nothing happened."
Finally, he grabbed a sock full of change and went for the throat of a nearby oppressor. Unluckily for him, he happened to be looking in the mirror as he got all riled up, which is why he subsequently beat himself senseless - eventually removing his own windpipe. Those who were watching You've Been Framed at the time believe this to be behind his speech problems.
Tooling up
Although both the penguin's pride and face had taken quite a beating, he did not give up. Deciding a sock full of change was possibly not the greatest of weapon choices, he slid on his belly to the nearest weapon dealer, a mysterious shady character know only as 'IronRose'. After much leasurely browsing and uhming and ahing, the now silenced penguin trained his eyes upon 'the one weapon to rule them all', the ULTIMATE SHOTGUN!!! This was, acording to the slightly camp shopkeeper, the most disturbingly brutal weapon ever created. Silent penguin liked. But the price-tag was slightly out of his £2 budget, at one hundred and 73 billionty ten pounds.
Silent Penguin left the shop, knowing that the only way he would ever get his hands on that gun was if it happened to appear there for some reason. He also knew that this was unlikely. He sat down on the pavement, disheartened. It was at this point that he noticed a poster on the wall of the shop opposite him, a sexual-toy outlet:
The search
Silent Penguin knew he had to find that Black and White Female Pygmy Goat With Horns. He got up, pulled out his sock full of change, and sniffed the air. He caught the scent of Black and White Female Pygmy Goat With Horns within seconds. He knew that smell well from some unfortunate experiences in the past, and it was unmistakeable, like a combination of Black and White Female Pygmy Goat, and Horns.
He found the goat copulating with a rock after only a few minutes of searching, and handed it to the poster, collecting his reward. He slid on his belly faster than he had ever belly-slid before, crossing the entire road to the gun shop in just 3 minutes. He grabbed the Ultimate Shotgun, threw the vast sum of money at IronRose (killing him) and spat at the '3 weeks waiting time' poster, as he exited the shop. As soon as he was outside, he tested his new-found baby, blowing the spine out of a nearby rent-boy. Grinning to himself, he began his journey to the palace of the Emperor Penguin.
All that separated Seppy from his goal now was a mere 10,300 mile stretch of untrasversable frozen tundra. Having blown all his money on the gun he had no dough left for the bus, which was a problem. Seppy had two options here; He could either walk the 50 yards to the ATM, safe in the knowledge his bus wasn't going to arrive for another good half hour. Or, he could attempt a dangerous armed assault on a bus which would typically be filled with loads of heavily armoured bazooka-wielding police officers, most of whom would be undercover scoping out some potential hot young female offenders.
Wanting a bit of that leg Seppy decided to go for the latter option. Of course, it would be foolish to enter a gunfight in which you're almost definitely going to lose without some training first. After organizing his funeral and selling his kidneys to communists on eBay, the gun-toting Penguin slammed on the atmospheric music, donned the polarised glasses, and readjusted his toothpick.
He sat at the bus stop for several minutes, and then saw a three year old child approaching on a tricycle. And yes, there are plenty of kids riding around on tricycles in Antarctica. That's perfectly plausible. He decided waiting the full 25 minutes for a bus to arrive would waste too much valuable time, and chose to hijack the tricycle instead.
He pointed the Ultimate Shotgun at the young child, and said "Take me to the palace of the Emperor Penguin!" Of course, Seppy couldn't speak English, since he was a penguin, and besides his vocal chords were all screwed up. What he said sounded something like "Blurphamurhspahmoophalumpglumph." The kid, meanwhile, stared at the round, robust penguin in front of him and thought, "Wow! A soccer ball!"
The innocent child grabbed Seppy by his plump feet, and said "This is the best soccer ball I've ever seen!" He decided to test out his new soccer ball by drop kicking it, and he did so, sending Seppy flying up into the air. Seppy attempted to fly, before remembering that he was a penguin and penguins can't fly.
"It looks like this is the end," thought Seppy, "That is, unless if I land on a trampoline or something, but that would be really, really unlikely!" But, to his surprise, he landed on a rather comfortable mattress, with a sign next to it saying "The official mattress of the north pole. This mattress is private property, so please don't land on it."
He got off the mattress and started dusting himself off, before remembering that there isn't any dust at the north pole. Then he said "I wonder how far it is to Emperor Penguin's palace."
Just then, he looked up and saw a sign that said "Three miles to Emperor Penguin's palace!" Seppy was in luck.
The Palace
Seppy was on a roll. He was a black and white wrecking ball with a large gun and an attitude problem. He would let nothing stand in his way. He was the Alpha and the Omega. He made Rambo look like a girl-scout. He ate souls for breakfast. He was an unstoppable force, and he would make rubble out of the immovable object. He was off the frickin' chain.
Except that his plans had been put on hold because he had a stitch. A really bad one too. He had to like, rub it and stuff.
On the verge of tears, Seppy stumbled towards the nearest Pengu-inn (See that? That's a play on words and a half). He fell on the door, forcing it open, and crawled to the counter.
'Ah, you'll be seeking a room then, eh?' Asked the shady character behind the till.
'Quahabakahabaquackwapwap' replied Seppy,
'Certainly, you can have our very best room. It's full of hookers and pictures of the Hoff.'
'Quack.'
'What? What do you mean your on a super secret mission to overthrow the ruling body of this land as civil unrest has forced action to be taken and the majority of your race do not posses the skill or bravery to do so?!?'
'Quack.'
'Wow, maybe I can help...my name is Slim Cognito, I too dislike the ruling body immensely, as they introduced vast amounts of unnecessary shady inn-keeper taxes. Damn them, why can't they just leave us and our inn-keeping shadiness alone?'
'Waaaaaap.'
'Yes, yes I shall help you!! To the Batty-mobile!!'
Unfortunately the batty-mobile had an expired tax disk and was therefore temporarily unavailable.
'Whaap?'
'Yes I know I should have paid that handsome tax collector, but I was too lost in his eyes.'
'Quarup.'
'Oh that? That's just my kid-sister's tandem.'
Seppy admired the pink colour and floral designs.
'Quack.'
'What do you mean that'll do? it's completely gay! We'll look like a couple of bumboys.'
Ten minutes later the two bum-boys were pedalling merrily along a country lane. The gentle breeze was only punctuated by the occasional sound of passers-by jeering and calling them Queer.
'I think we should pull over and make base-camp. If I don't go shoe-shopping soon I'll just die.'
'No wait, that's the bike talking! Think manly hetero thoughts. Penis! No wait, uhh, Hairy Balls! Yeah that's more like it!'
Seppy was barely listening, he was busy ogling a passing IT consultant's crotch bulge. He was captivated by the way the light caught it in the mid-morning sun.
'Stop looking at my crotch bulge!' he protested.
'Sorry, he doesn't mean it. It's this tandem bike, it's infused with this ancient magic that makes you gay while you ride it.'
'Ah one of those, we had one down the old IT consultancy place the other day. We killed it.'
Seppy flopped out his banning cane and waved it threateningly at the misguided computer whizz. Seeing this threatening gesture, he raised a hand to his face and peeled of his rubber face-mask to reveal that he was in fact... not actually who he originally claimed he was!
'OMG he's not actually the man he originally claimed he was! Quick Seppy, use your giant shiny shotgun to kill that fricker!'
Seppy was miles away, observing flowering buds and butterflies.
'I've had just about enough of this tandem! If the seat didn't fit so snugly into my rectum I'd seriously consider using another means of transportation. Seppy, stop stroking that imposter!'
The Palace (Part two)
Following much innuendo and bike-induced feminity the guys finally arrived at the Emperor's palace. Exhausted, they dropped several perfumed IT consultant-esque limbs and went up to the front door.
'Emperor douche, come out here so we can overthrow you.'
'No bugger off I've got a headache. But you can have a lovely little twostep with my ten billionty strong army of uber penguins.'
'No I think we'd rather just overthrow you.'
'I don't think you're quite getting the point. I'm attacking you with all my military might.'
'Damn man that's whack' added a passing black person.
'Yeah, quack.' said Silent penguin.
'Hey you're not very silent for a Silent Penguin!' said Slim.
'Shuttup quack!'
'Hey guys, guys, let's not argue. You should unleash your anger on your aggressor, not your friends.' inserted a passing buddhist monk.
'He's right;' added a passing Rabbi, 'also, look after your money.'
'No, I find the answer in these circumstances is to worship millions and millions of Gods.' injected a passing Hindu.
'Whatever let's just kick the door in.' Said Slim.
FOIGHT!!!!
'Hey Wonka, drag your tiny penis in here so that we can kill you.' Shouted Slim
'No! I refuse, and wait, my penis is relatively, uhh, average sized.'
'Oh come on, we've all seen your forbidden straight-to-DVD sex tape. Man that sh*t was whack!'
'Shu- I uh, it's not THAT small!!!'
'Pfft, it's about as big as my thumb.' Yelled Seppy.
'How big's your thumb?' added the emporer hopefully.
'I don't have a thumb, I'm a f*cking penguin!'
'Oh wha-, awwww.'
'Hang on Seppy, were you speaking again?'
'Wharrp?'
'Look, you can't talk and at the same time be known as a penguin who cannot speak...it totally wrecks your image, no matter how hilarious that last comment was.' said slim.
Seppy loaded a warhead into the shotgun and rammed the barrel into Slim's face.
'OK, see, when I say you shouldn't speak, what I really meant was...speak more...yeah, speak loads, don't stop speaking, let everyone hear your lovely voice. Anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are? Like, little tiny dull black beads of pure brilliance...'
Seppy was bored at the distinct lack of door opening. He decided action must be taken if this emporor was to be overthrown before the icecaps melted.
For starters, Slim had to go. He had fulfilled his usefullness in supplying the homo-cycle, and was becoming annoying with his constant breathing and looking at things. Yes he and Seppy were united in one cause, but he was an incomprehensively massive geek. And he had a comb-over.
'Wharrp'
'Great idea, an act of some sort to show the Emperor Penguin we mean business and are willing to get disturbingly violent is just what the doctor ordered...'
Seppy cocked the shotgun and buried the gun into Slim's ribs.
'Wha-'
Seppy pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened.
'F*cking wharrp!'
'You little traitor! I let you experience a brief period of homosexuality and this is how you repay me? What about the sex? Was that just a ploy to get me to come along so that you could butcher me?
'WHARRP!'
'I don't need you pingu, once im done killing you, I'll take on the vast legions of the emporor's gurds myself!!'
'This is why you should always listen to us buddhist monks. We don't wear these silly robes for no reason, we wear them because we are always right!'
The monk instantly regretted saying this as his face was demolished by a high velocity flipper.
'Quck, mother f*cker!'
'I'm gonna rip yer wee flippers off and stick them to your head so you look like a sort of rabbit-duck hybrid typed thing!'
'Quackmwahrahwapwap!'
Slim pulled out a brick with a nail taped to it. Seppy revealed his sock full of change. Both men lunged foward, and were about to lock in epic battle when the author suddenly fell asleep.
The Aftermath
3 years after the Seppy vs. Slim Ubar-epic battle, the world was still a desolate place, un-aided by time. The planet had been unable to contain such levels of OMFG, and had fallen apart at the very seams as the seemingly never-ending battle had raged.
9 years. For 9 long years, Seppy and Slim had been in constant battle. The sky had been burned red, and the ground had become scorched and torn. The conflict had passed through most of the planet, killing almost all of its 6467 billionty inhabitants. And a platipus.
After tearing the world to pieces for almost a decade, ending the lives of untold zillions, and killing a platipus, Seppy stood tall as the victor.
The next bit
Seppy rubbed some vaseline into his various owies and booboos, and returned the the gate of the Emporor Penguin's palace.
'You again? Wow, I assumed you'd suddenly liquified yourself or something. Is it odd that I assumed that? Why would I assume that? That's a pretty odd thing to assume right? But hey, whats been assumed can't be un-assumed. Still though, crazy old me, eh? Always assuming the seemingly unassumable, yeah? Mental I am, a right mad'un, yeah? Crazy. Anyway, what do you want?'
'QYUARAAK'
'Ah, the noblest of nobles eh? I can admit I saw this coming a mile off, stupid me, shouldn't have auctioned off our ice should I? Oh I am dreadfully sorry. Now, back to your killing. Guards! Attack that Penguin!'
The gate was tossed aside as a tirade of drugged-up sword-wielding maniacs surged at Seppy in an angry blob. Seppy readied his sock full of change (now down to only 55 pence) and swung wildly as the blob engulfed him. Change was flying everywhere. Penguins dropped left and right as pennies hit them. The survivors dived down to retrieve the money and fell on their heads and died; the dead would've liked to have joined in, but they were too dead. The battle raged on for a century, many lives were lost but eventually, the hero stood. The rest saw their better, Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater Seppy. Then some more enemies came:
The gate was tossed aside as a tirade of drugged-up sword-wielding maniacs surged at Seppy in an angry blob. Seppy readied his sock full of change (now down to only 53 pence) and swung wildly as the blob engulfed him. Change was flying everywhere. Penguins dropped left and right as pennies hit them. The survivors dived down to retrieve the money and fell on their heads and died; the dead would've liked to have joined in, but they were too dead. The battle raged on for a century, many lives were lost but eventually, the hero stood. The rest saw their better, Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater Seppy. Then some more enemies came:
The gate was tossed aside as a tirade of drugged-up sword-wielding maniacs surged at Seppy in an angry blob. Seppy readied his sock full of change (now down to only 28 pence) and swung wildly as the blob engulfed him. Change was flying everywhere. Penguins dropped left and right as pennies hit them. The survivors dived down to retrieve the money and fell on their heads and died; the dead would've liked to have joined in, but they were too dead. The battle raged on for a century, many lives were lost but eventually, the hero stood. The rest saw their better, Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater Seppy. Then some more enemies came:
The gate was tossed aside as a tirade of drugged-up sword-wielding maniacs surged at Seppy in an angry blob. Seppy readied his sock full of change (now down to only 17 pence) and swung wildly as the blob engulfed him. Change was flying everywhere. Penguins dropped left and right as pennies hit them. The survivors dived down to retrieve the money and fell on their heads and died; the dead would've liked to have joined in, but they were too dead. The battle raged on for a century, many lives were lost but eventually, the hero stood. The rest saw their better, Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater Seppy. Then some more enemies came, but a very bored Seppy just told them to f*ck off and went inside the palace of doom, via the gate. Of doom.
Inside the palace. OF DOOM!
Of doom
Once through the gates of doom, he went up the stairs of doom. He took a quick whizz in the toilet of doom, before finding the X Box of Doom and playing Doom on Doom of Doom. Of Doom. He went into the giftshop of doom, and bought some candybars of doom. He decided his first act of rebellion against the emporer would be to steal some chocolate buttons. However he was caught on the way out and asked to leave. He had to battle his way back in. After making his way back up the escalator to heaven of doom, he realised he'd forgot to wear any pants. Back at home he remembered penguins don't wear pants, wearily resigning himself to battling his way back into the palace. He trudged to the elevator of doom and pressed the button for floor 3, of doom.
Floor 3 of doom!
Crap, wrong floor.
Floor 4 of doom!
Oh wait it was floor 3.
Floor 3 of doom! Again, of doom!
After being tortured by the elevator music of doom, seppy stepped out of the lift and asked the nearest guard of doom for some directions, of doom. He told seppy to piss off. And he did.
After battling his way back into the palace again Seppy dragged himself towards the chairlift of doom. After turfing an OAP out of the chair he made his way to the top of the slope. At which point a guard pushed him down. Seppy hadn't realised there was a ski jump of doom built into the design of the palace, and took that instead. Unfortunately he'd never ski jumped before, and hurtled over the palace wall with great velocity. Faceplanting into the guard, he cursed before battling him for entrance into the castle.
'Time to overthrow this emperor!'
Seppy gradually made his way through the fortress to the Emeror's bedroom, being kicked out of the castle several more times before finally succeeding.
'Slim, WTF are you doing in here? I thought I killed you in an epic battle that spanned nearly a decade and destroyed almost half the planet?? I mean Quack.'
'Yeah but I'm emperor now.'
'Care to explain the logic behind that? I mean, you were dead.'
'Yeah but the author couldn't think of a new character so he just recycled an old one.'
'But how did you overthrow the 10 foot tall, aggressive Emperor Penguin of doom?'
'It turned out he was just a shrimp in a costume.'
Seppy left disheartened. Very low on loose change he realised his mistake and battled his way back in.
'Quzack'
'Overthrow me through a long, melodramatic slow-mo fight scene with backup dancers and a score by Michael Palin (dir. The Wachowski Brothers)(2008) ***** Showing Tuesday 15th March on Sky Movies Premiere HD extra +1? Ha! I'd like to see that! You only have one measly penny left in your sock, whereas I have sellotaped a second nail to my brick! Muahahahahahaha! Wait, it fell off. Bugger... well, I'll still beat you like a bitch anyway.'
'Bu'
'Nooo! You have defeated me in a war of words! Sod it, I'll beat you in a war of weapons.'
After 15 minutes of pummeling the crap out of Seppy's head with a brick (the other nail fell off) Slim rolled off. And then stamped on his head for a further 20 minutes! Seppy was, to put it lightly, in a bad way. To put it in a heavy way, he was pretty much dead, and still bleeding profusely. He nonetheless had the strength to stand up, run across the room to where Slim was eating scones impatiently and shouted "Boo!" Slim was so scared that he swallowed the scone whole, which turned out to be a replica scone made out of gunpowder and fire. It exploded in his throat and Seppy was hit hard by his tongue. He fell to the floor, dying in agony, but at least he was Emperor. Up until when he died, at which point he was forgotten forever.
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