Nintenrabies
Nintenrabies is the latest in the series of Pet Simulation games released by Nintendo for their new portable console the Nintendo DS. The latest instalment in the series see’s you given the chance to adopt a Rabid Dog and call it your own. The game was originally designed for the new PlayStation 3, but due to issues such as lack of a touch screen and the PS3’s tendency to seek Global domination domination on a tri-weekly basis, the Game was ported to Nintendo’s newest gaming platform, the Nintendo Wii360.
What features can I expect?
Nintendo has seen fit that your $45 Wii360 Game has enough fresh content to make up for its boring repetiveness. Not only has Nintendo added an extra 1.7 new minigames, the Game also features an exclusive “Save the Baby from the Dingo” Mode, which will play eerily similar to breakout or Halo 2. Also, the creators have seen fit to port Paris Hilton into the game, (Lets face it, she’s a stupid bitch.) Upon completing the 2.5 Hours of gameplay the game has to offer before your pooch dies of Rabies, You have the option of watching some “Secret” Bonus footage of boring Japanese Executives talk about how the evils of war must be stopped and the importance of love and friendship. The other option is Paris Hilton in a lesbian Porn flick.
What is the age rating of the product?
The Publishers, Nintendo, have felt that due to violent themes such as Feeding the Dogs or cleaning up their Kaka, that the game itself is in no way appropriate for gamers under the Ages of 50. Also, themes of Rabies infected Dogs attacking the mailman who has a likeness of Hitler as he screams “ACTUNG! ACTUNG! MEIN KAMPF!” would cause strokes, heart-attacks, obesity or unexplained exposure to DDT has resulted in the ban of the game to anyone over the age of 50 years, 7 days and 4.5 Hours. Leaving a limited market of Gamers, with Nintendo hardware that doesn’t exist (Wii360), Speak English, Like Virtual Pet games, Enjoy owning Rabid Dogs and are aged between 50Y and 50Y, 7D, 4H, 12M. Current market estimates float around a target population of 12.4 People (One guy got 1/6th of himself eaten by a NintenAlligator). But we all know that Parents aged between 50Y and 50Y, 7D, 4H, 12M will buy this game for their 12 Year old Kids and then blame the video Games when their “Good little Children” rob a bank, there will be huge riots by angry parents, starting the Great Angry Ignorant Parents who blame video games when it is really their own fault and trash the sony H.Q and hang Sonic the Hedgehog off a rafter in a library like in a Stephen King short-story novel such as 4 Past Midnight and then the Master Chief and Freddy Kreguer come out and blast half of them away and then some other weird shit starts happening War of 2136.
What languages will it be in?
Eigo desu. Anata wa baka desu. Wanka.
What is the Release Date?
2 Days before Duke Nukem Forever, however the Game will probably be a sequel to Duke Nukem Forever later sort of thing.
Where can I get a Copy?
Do not do so.
Instead
Go to your local game store and buy a copy of Halo 2. What? You’ve played Halo 2? WELL I’M TO F****ING POOR TO AFFORD AN XBOX AND A COPY OF HALO 2. I WANT MICROSOFT TO RELEASE HALO 2 ON XP, NOT VISTA! HALO 1 & 2 RAN ON THE SAME F***ING CONSOLE! WHY DOES IT NEED TO RUN ON A DIFFERENT OS! DEATH TO THE MICROSOFT INFIDELS! I DECLARE A JIHAD ON ALL THINGS MS AND INTERNET EXPLORERLY! MAY YOUR CAPITALIST EMPIRE CRUMBLE AT MY FEET AS WE, THE FORCES OF NINTENDO AND SONY, DO BATTLE AGAINST YOUR EVIL NATION! MAY MARIO JUMP ON YOUR HEADS AND HOLLER “YIPPIE!” AS HE SMITES YOU WITH HIS LARGE MASS. MAY SOLID SNAKE SNEAK UP BEHIND YOUR PRECIOUS MASTER CHIEF AND THROW HIM OFF A BUILDING! MAY SAMUS PWN YOU WITH HER LASER CANNON! AND MAY YOU NEVER, EVER TRY TO MAKE A HOME CONSOLE THAT DOES ALMSOT ANYTHING BUT PLAY GOOD GAMES. FACE IT MICROSOFT, YOUR ALL CROSS-PLATFORM PORTS.
(Due to the author having very little change at a gasp of air during the above rant, he has just been rendered unconscious due to severe asphyxiation. Let us pray that the internet never see’s the light of this sort of Crap ever again!)
Fine then. Go buy Halo 3.
(Oh crap.)
